FEMINISM|PSYCHOLOGY

Why I Want (Many Of) You to Be Much More Selfish

Not in the narcissistic, self-absorbed way that some people exhibit

There are too many people I know, especially women, whom I wish were (much) more selfish. I am not talking about those who already are pretty damn selfish. I’m talking about (and to) those who tend not to ask themselves what they want or need and have an even harder time satisfying their wants and needs.

Oftentimes they place themselves second, or even last to everyone else.

The list of reasons why people do this can be long and varied. There are societal reasons, religious reasons, biological reasons, rational and irrational reasons.

I am simply stating my case as to why I want some of you to be much more selfish.

You deserve, and have probably earned, more than you give yourself credit for

I have been in this boat for numerous years and thought that I was a better person spiritually for putting so many other people’s wants and needs ahead of my own. It gave me a sense of pride and satisfaction to do as much as I did for others. That was not the problem.

The problem was that I oftentimes felt drained and became burnt out from running myself ragged because I didn’t take good enough care of myself.

One of the worst things about this sort of behavior is that we can feel hurt by others for whom we do things when they don’t acknowledge our help or kindness, especially when it’s not done in the ways that we hoped for or expected.

Knowing, respecting and advocating for your boundaries is a vital part of being a healthy adult

This point can be very difficult, particularly for parents.

Kids learn more from our actions than our words.

Knowing what we want and need, and going about satisfying these in healthy ways, helps children better learn how to do this for themselves.

It also tends to make them respect you and others more as well.

Even though I do not have any children, I have spent over 30 years helping others raise children, including my niece and 2 nephews. I have been and am “auntie” to many kids who have taught me a great deal as well. There is nothing like fostering and nurturing a child’s sense of worth.

Our romantic partners learn to love and treat us by our examples (not movies)

My final point took me the longest to truly comprehend. It was in my early thirties that I fully grasped this reality. I’m a sucker for a good love story. The Princess Bride has been a favorite movie of mine since I was 12. Pride and Prejudice is currently one of my all-time favorites.

Despite knowing that many guys don’t watch “rom-coms”, I still expected them to know how to treat me romantically and be especially good at it “if they really loved me” and wanted to be with me. However, I didn’t even treat myself that well, nor did most of the girlfriends I have had over the years.

It was so obvious, but I was so blind to it. Some of us tend to be hard (too hard) on ourselves and treat our mates better than we treat ourselves.

I needed (and wanted) to become my own “true love”.

I put an end to this unhealthy behavior with my friends, family and romantic partners by the time I reached my late thirties. I had enough

It can be challenging to me still to be more selfish, even with basic things like making sure I get sufficient sleep, taking a day to myself or spending hours reading a book. I fight feeling guilty about how I could help or something for another, even when I know they’re fine and are supportive of me.

I used to get sick EVERY YEAR during the holidays because I’d overextend myself to friends and family. I’d try to do too much for too many. It was common for me to spend Christmas through New Year’s Eve recovering from mild to severe colds because I’d wear myself out.

In recent years, I rarely get sick, even with a mild cold. The last time I recall being sick was when I had the flu in March of 2016. I still push myself and take on too much at times, but I am much better at taking time out before it gets bad.

Hopefully, if you fall into this category, you will at least TRY to be more selfish. If this, isn’t you, and you know someone who is, forward this article on to them as a form of encouragement, and consider talking to them about some of the things they can do to take better care of themselves.

For we ALL, individually and as a society, benefit from a healthy dose of self-love that helps to instill a regular practice of self-care

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