Why I Think I Love Toxic People

The illusion of stories and shared openness

Feeling hurt all the time. Confused. A little manipulated. Never stable. Always waiting for that apology.

These are all good descriptions of the dark sides of most of my relationships.

Before the waves of the last settle, sometimes it feels like the next one is already on standby, ready to rock the boat. Suddenly, I’m taken onboard a journey headed to stress and chaos.

Surely, there must be a reason this keeps happening.

Are the only single people in the world toxic?

As much as I feel like it sometimes, at some point, you have to start looking inward, right?

I started becoming curious about what kept drawing me to toxic people. Here’s what I’m learning.

The Power of Their Stories

On the surface, toxic people are toxic people. Really, they are much more than that though. Toxic people are not always, but often, hurt, depressed, angry people who have traumas of their own.

Does this excuse their behavior? Absolutely not. But there is something compelling about their stories that draws me in.

Every toxic relationship I’ve been in had way more underneath. Stories of abuse, family instability, mental health, the justice system, discrimination, substance dependence, and more. If you listen long enough, often these seem to stem from childhood wounds.

While repeating patterns isn’t okay, knowing their stories makes me feel more connected with toxic people. Their rough pasts can mean they have a little more insight into the darkness of the world. They see reality a little more clearly than the Pollyanna types. They understand something a little different about it. They’re more than surface-level sunshine. It humanizes them and can make us feel closer.

Even after painful endings, I still feel it was an honor to bear witness to their vulnerable storytelling.

The downside is that some toxic people use your empathy against you and play you with their experiences.

The Illusion of Shared Openness

As I said above, toxic people tend to have a lot of deep stories. This vulnerability can create the illusion of shared openness.

Because they’re safe with us, we feel safe with them.

Because we’re willing to shoulder their pain and faults, we think they’ll treat us with the same kindness. If we accept their story, we might assume they’ll accept ours too.

When this doesn’t happen, it can be confusing. I often wondered why things were so one-sided. Why was it always about his problems?

With one guy, whenever I brought up something I was dealing with, I was ignored at best. At worst, I was told my issues weren’t issues because his were always bigger (p.s. comparative suffering shouldn’t be a thing!).

No matter how much I tried to be there, he couldn’t be there for me.

I tried to pretend the openness was shared, but it was just an illusion.

Relatable

Toxic people are often erratic in their emotions and behavior. Although this isn’t healthy, this lack of perfection can feel overly relatable.

Being with someone who’s emotionally stable all the time can feel weird if it’s not what you’re used to in relationships, friends — or even yourself.

If you’re someone like me (or pretty much anyone) who goes through rough periods, it can be comforting to know others have gone through similar.

On this front, a toxic person can comfort you a lot. That’s because they love talking about themselves and sharing anything that will earn them love or sympathy points.

Chances are if I were going through less mental struggle myself, I’d find the toxic person less relatable and be able to let them go easier.

It Feels Like Home

Let me be an unlicensed therapist for a second and ask you something.

Are there any patterns from childhood that you’re re-creating in your relationships today?

Often this can be the bottom line of why we love toxic people.

They feel like home.

Toxic relationships can mimic the instability we got used to as children. It feels normal. Even though we know it’s not healthy, some part of us has been conditioned to feel comforted by it.

I’m learning that the never-stable nature of many relationships I’m in is reflective of my parents. Things never seemed good between them. They were always arguing and yelling and never happy. They never did or said anything affectionate. Or even talked to each other much besides when they had to.

As an adult, I logically know this isn’t what I want. Even though I don’t like emotionally distant people, it could be who’ve I’ve learned to accept because that’s all I saw for years.

You Learn A Lot

I would never choose to be in a toxic relationship to learn yet another lesson. It’s a consequence — but it’s also a benefit.

If we can remove ourselves from the situation and see the person for their entire life, there’s often so much to the story.

We can learn empathy. While I’ll never go through some of the traumas as some of my toxic exes, I can learn how to feel for it. I can see how those events may have shaped who’ve they’ve become. Or the factors that paint the picture of who someone is.

I begin to see the world in more grey tones. Even though it’s a harder image than black and white, it reflects reality more.

With that empathy comes our lessons about boundaries. Even though I might understand why you’re acting this way, I don’t have to excuse it. I can learn to be kind but draw hard lines.

Toxic people also teach us about the world, even the things we’d rather not know about. We shed a little of our naivety. We accept that manipulation exists. We see that just because everyone has good, doesn’t mean they are good. At least not for us.

We also learn about ourselves. After each toxic relationship, I become a bit more resolute in my standards — what I’m willing and not willing to accept.

Finally, we might consider the ways that we, ourselves, are sometimes toxic to those we love. What are the things that turn us off in others that we share?

One toxic person taught me that he wasn’t the only one who needed to control how quick to anger he was. When I was upset, I barely raised my voice, I just used words that severely irked him.

He would grow angrier and angrier. At this point, I was forced to learn how to argue calmer because I was the only person who could possibly diffuse the situation.

While nobody seeks out toxic people for lessons, they often come as a result of being in those stressful situations.

Loving Toxic People

I don’t seek out toxic people. To be fair, I ignore many red flags early on. And other times, I couldn’t list one until later on.

We can’t always help who we love. So I’m learning to let the gas up on that one.

Instead, I’m realizing I can have feelings of love while realizing I’m better off without someone.

We can feel the pull of toxic love yet still back away from it.