Why I Stopped Having my Mother Babysit
Even if you need help, sometimes you can’t rely on the people in your life
Everyone needs a village to raise a child, but what do you do when that village is toxic for everyone living there?
When I got divorced, I lived in an apartment for a while, but ended up moving back in with my mom for a while to help save money. At the same time, my mom would pick my daughter up from school and babysit her for a couple of hours after school, until I got home from work.
My mom still charged me the same amount for babysitting that she had when I was married, even though she only had my daughter half the time. I never said anything about it, because I thought my daughter was well cared for.
I never even said anything when she started babysitting another family member’s kids for the same price. For two kids, all the time. My sister, she never charged for babysitting at all. But that was my sister.
When my mom took my niece’s side over my daughter’s in arguments between the two, I still never said anything to my mom. I just did my best to intervene when I was there and to mitigate the damage to my daughter. My niece was younger. Everyone caters to a baby.
Finally though, something happened that made me put it all to a stop.
What Went Down
After my sister’s college graduation, my mom had a bunch of people over to her house for a party.
Apparently, sometime during the party, my daughter told my mom that she had head lice. She had had it before so she knew.
My mom made my daughter go in the shower to comb the lice out of her hair by herself. She didn’t help her. She didn’t even come get me to help her, and I was home.
The next day, my mom actually bothered to tell me, once I had gotten home from work. I went to get more lice shampoo. Then, in the parking lot of the store I had a meltdown.
I couldn’t think of looking my mother in the face again.
I called my ex-husband and asked him to go pick up Atlantis from my mom’s house, so that she would be taken care of for a few days so I could find a new place.
When Atlantis stayed at her dad’s house, his neighbor picked her up from school. I made a deal with him to get her picked up by the neighbor on my days too, so I wouldn’t need to rely on my mom anymore.
Since my ex and I had a recent and fairly hostile divorce, it wasn’t the easiest call to make.
A few days later, my mom called me to ask me to come back and comb lice out of her hair.
I should have told her that if my 10 year old daughter could do it herself, so could she as an adult. But I didn’t. I went to help her.
I didn’t move back in though, or ever let her babysit my daughter again.
When Your ‘Village’ is Toxic
As a single mom, I didn’t really have people jumping out of the woodwork to help me with my daughter. I went through hard times basically on my own, without much help.
Sometimes, when we are faced with the idea of not having help, we will accept it from anyone in the vicinity. In this case, for me, that was my mother.
However, you don’t always have to accept this substandard help just because it is all that is available for you. There is other help out there if you are willing to look hard enough for it.
In most cities and towns, there are afterschool programs for kids. Many are available at schools or churches, and will help you with free or reduced rates if you are low-income.
If your children are younger, there are programs like Head Start available that can keep your kids all day, again for free or reduced rates.
If you are anything like me, and struggling with family care that isn’t working out the way that you had hoped, you may want to consider looking into this type of option.
❤ Nicole
Be well until next time my friends.
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I am the author of “Trauma Survivor’s Guide to Coping With Panic Attacks” and “Happy. Healthy. Rich. The smart mom’s guide to living your best life” on Amazon.

