PERSONAL STORY | THE UNWITTING GRINCH
Why I Smashed My Christmas Tree
I’m very much into decorating. I used to pore over the interior design magazines and daydreamed.
During my time in retail, I gladly took charge of all the decorating tasks. The same enthusiasm filled me when I was working in the beauty salon, especially when the Christmas season approached.
Growing up, I may not have much accumulated great memories associated with Christmas but I adored the overall spirit of it.
There’s something magical about it and immersing myself in the feel-good vibes.
When we moved into our new place, the first thing we bought together was a Christmas tree. I couldn’t wait to transform this house into a warm and festive home.
I took pride in my new home. Every trinket collected from my travels, all the belongings gathered over the years, my books and my dogs (back in my pre-cat days).
My home became my sanctuary, a refuge from the chaotic world outside.
I had a lot to deal with at work. I had to work extra hard, not because I’m a hard worker but because of my condition.
Sometimes it was so bad that everything had to take a back seat for me to heal myself.
Workloads never clear themselves, only piling up as they awaited me. I’d always have a lot of catching up to do.
All I want is to have a home that I could go back to where I could unwind, take off my masks and just be myself.
Whether I’d be lounging on the living room sofa or sprawling on the floor, the choice was mine to make. I would watch whatever I wanted on TV and revel in the freedom of my personal space.
Little did I expect that my sanctuary would be violated in such a manner. Some people from his side started making themselves at home at our place, intruding at all hours.
Imagine someone entering your home, sleeping in your bed and pooping in it too.
Also, imagine someone coming to your house and telling you to keep your children out of their sight just because they don’t like them.
My poor dogs were bullied, being chased away from their spot. I was told to lock them away just because she hated animals.
The self-appointed Empress Dowager proclaimed the rights to everything in our home.
They made plans for our place on our behalf, bringing in all kinds of nonsense, throwing parties and leaving the place in disarray.
There are days when I drove around aimlessly after work just to avoid them at home. I just want some quiet time for myself.
The last thing I’ve ever needed is to explain myself about anything that I didn’t owe anyone. Or getting condemned for whatever I do like the choice of my hair color or whatever I do in my own home without being questioned.
Christmas and New Year, supposed days of rest, were spent barricaded in my bedroom for as long as they stayed.
I had to keep very quiet, lights off, TV off. Without food and not going to the toilet. I pretended that I was asleep just to avoid them.
In hindsight, I should have readied some food and headphone. I could also leave the toilet unflushed. It was so agonizing. One would have lost some common sense in times like this.
I would fall sick knowing that another holiday is coming up. The stress and anxiety from all these can really disrupt a person’s system.
There’s something about the energies that they brought in and that insidious altar they set up. My sacred sanctuary is ruined. Like living hell.
The dead and undead would be ever presence haunting the living ones. My mental health was going downhill because I never have the time and space for myself.
My partner and I quarreled a lot and it was during these conflicts that I experienced violence. It only came to an end at a much later time when I smashed that altar, as if it held some kind of sinister influence over both of us.
One day, I just snapped. Seizing a hammer, I tore apart the Christmas tree, smashed all the ornaments and hurled everything into the dumpster.
I never had another Christmas tree again and I lost all passion for making the house a home. Everything was left to gather dust or went into the boxes.
No point in doing all this when I couldn’t be at ease in my own place.
From that moment on, the holiday seasons transformed into a period of misery, marred by the intrusion of unwelcome presences disrupting the peace I had so painstakingly crafted.
To the extent that I moved into a significantly smaller place to steer clear of them. I isolated myself from the world, particularly from their presence.
It was only last year that I returned to the church and celebrated Christmas for good reason. Despite being unwell this year, I aim to celebrate Christmas in the right spirit in the coming years.
I also hope to have a Christmas tree again.
All I want for Christmas is peace of mind.
Your support holds immense significance for a disabled neurodivergent. If you’d like to show your support, you can consider buying me a coffee here. My collection of eBooks and classic titles is available here. Your kindness is greatly appreciated.