Summary

The author describes her decision to stop baking cakes for men who ask her to, reflecting on past experiences where her efforts were not reciprocated and the societal expectations of women to cook, as well as addressing the entitlement and lack of mutuality in some men's attitudes towards relationships.

Abstract

The author, who has previously embraced the traditional role of cooking for her partners, shares her journey towards rejecting this expectation. She recounts a specific incident where she baked a cake for a boyfriend who then left her to do it alone, illustrating the one-sided nature of such acts. The article was prompted by the backlash she received after mentioning in a YouTube video that she refused to bake a strawberry pie for a colleague who was interested in her. The comments, primarily from men with MGTOW and red pill ideologies, revealed a sense of entitlement to women's domestic labor. The author emphasizes that love and cooking should be reciprocal and expresses her appreciation for the increasing number of men who are taking up cooking and contributing to a more equitable sharing of domestic responsibilities.

Opinions

The author believes that cooking for a partner should be a mutual expression of love, not a one-sided obligation.
She criticizes the societal norm that women are expected to cook for men, viewing it as a remnant of past generations' gender roles.
The author is dismayed by the entitlement displayed by some men who expect women to perform domestic tasks for them.
She points out the double standard where men feel they can ask for favors like baking, yet do not consider reciprocating the gesture.
The author values men who are willing to cook and contribute to the relationship, seeing it as a sign of true partnership.
She is encouraged by the changing dynamics in relationships where domestic roles are more equally shared.
The author uses her personal experiences to highlight broader issues of gender expectations and relationship dynamics.

Why I No Longer Bake Cakes for Men Who Ask Me to (Even When I Like Them)

Do you think I’m making too much of it?

It hasn’t always been like this.

I used to bake cakes, cook dinners, and spoil the man I loved with a well-cooked meal.

Food is a form of love.

We’ve been taught that by the many generations of women responsible for the family’s warm meals, full bellies, and nurturing loving arms. We also know it from the hundreds of years of obligation that women slave over a hot stove. Every day, for the rest of their lives.

My mother’s main concern has always been “I don’t know what to cook anymore” or “I cooked today for the next 3 days so I can take a break.”

The cooking never stopped. And the idea of going more than one day without a home-cooked meal was not an option for anybody in my family. These things stay with you, no matter how the times change.

They stayed with me too.

I had boyfriends. Serious boyfriends, serious relationships. Long-term, live-together, pie-in-the-sky dreams type of relationships.

Except the dreams didn’t exactly come true. The pies did. And I was the one responsible for them.

I remember this one evening. It had been a very long hard day. I was tired and couldn’t wait to have an even longer hot bath and go to bed.

Except that… my boyfriend wanted me to bake him a cake. He had been thinking all day about this cream cheese brownie he saw on some cooking channel and he asked if I could make it for him.

He knows it’s late, but could I just do it? He would help. He seemed so happy at the thought!

To tell you the truth, I could have easily said no and went to bed. But… I didn’t. I wanted us to cook that together, eat it together, and share that beautiful moment. Our relationship was already on the rocks at that time and I wanted to do everything in my power to save it. Even bake cakes together although I was exhausted.

The together part of it was not meant to be though.

About halfway into me starting to mix the ingredients he left the kitchen, went in the bathroom, took a shower, minded his own business, and by the time the brownie was done he was fast asleep.

Surely, that’s no reason to stop cooking food for the man you love, is it? That one bad experience? Nah. The entitlement that I should be the one doing the cooking — yes!

Here’s what prompted this article: I recently posted a video on YouTube about the kind of men women usually choose: a few pointers that men can use so they have better chances with women. A very light relationship-themed script.

Since the video is going slightly viral, I have a lot of comments on it. Most of them are awful, from red-pill fanatics who don’t want to do anything to endear themselves to women. And that’s absolutely OK. They don’t have to.

But there is one recurring theme relating to a story from my personal life that a lot of the male commenters addressed: my scoffing at the idea of baking a strawberry pie for this man I didn’t even like.

Here’s the story that these men took offense to:

If you’re making it all about your needs she will leave you. Or not even consider you a viable partner. If you make it all about her, the result is the same.

For example, there is this guy at work who is really into me. But most likely he is all into him being in a relationship with me.

Wherever I go, he’s there, hovering. He takes the smallest opportunity to position me somehow into a relationship with him. Like just the other day I was talking about how much I liked strawberries and he told me he loves them too and when will I be baking him a strawberry pie?

Umm… obviously never, sir. He thought he was being cute, but everything he says and does is about what he’d like from me.

The comments were furious. To paraphrase a few:

“He was offering you an opportunity to invest in the relationship and you just said no” (Blatant disregard for the fact that I wasn’t interested in that man in any way, shape, or form.)

“Why don’t you have any compassion for what the man wants?” (Having compassion doesn’t mean I’ll do what he wants me to.

“So this is all about you then? What about what he wants?” (It’s irrelevant because he’s not my partner.)

“He was probably just joking and you took it to heart, stop being so sensitive.” (He wasn’t joking, he’s a traditional man looking for a woman who would cook for him. I wanted him to know I’m not the one.)

“He was testing to see if you’re interested in him. Why didn’t you just tell him no?” (I did tell him no, and he insisted, and I told him no again, and he insisted again. It went on a few times. He finally stopped, and now he’s just waiting around, ready to swoop in there if I even slightly open the door.)

What struck me about these replies to a seemingly benign example of a perceived lack of interest and compatibility between me, a guy, and a strawberry pie was men’s taking offense to it.

As if any man is entitled to any woman’s strawberry pie.

No matter if she’s interested in him or curious about baking or relationships per se, she’d better be open to whatever he has to offer. Or, more often than not, request.

Mind you, these comments were from MGTOW and red pill people, and most men of today wouldn’t expect women to bake them anything.

But it’s a good way to check. Because this strawberry pie colleague of mine absolutely is one of these guys. He was indeed testing to see if I was the kind of woman who would jump at the chance to impress a guy with my good baking.

And I’m just not. Not anymore.

These days I’m more into opening my heart to allowing men to impress me.

These days I am the one willing to accept pies from the men I like. There was a time when I had no idea it could work out the other way around too.

But it does.

I see more and more men cooking. Interested in baking. Open to cooking for their family. Taking pride in it.

More and more women come to me and tell me what a delicious dinner their partner cooked last night. It warms my heart.

Love flows both ways. And so does cooking.

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