Why I don’t write every day

A confession and resolve.

I have this vision of perfection in my mind that I don’t meet and then decide I can’t write, so I can’t hit publish.

Each thought of perfection and excuse is a link in my rusty shackles in a dark place far from the bright lights of writing reality. Inside I hear my ego having an “I can’t write” tantrum, and yet I (me outside my ego/brain) know it’s just that I don’t write. I don’t write because I read and (my ego says) that everybody else is better than me instead of thinking that I am a writer, and I’ve been writing since childhood. There’s only one thing for me to do: write, actually, publish. But writing under the constraints of the ever-growing and tightening shackles is tough.

I don’t write because my brain thoughts — this is an important concept — thoughting. Our brains, my brain too, keep creating thoughts that are so far from reality and serve no purpose other than to stop ourselves from growing or doing what we want to do. I’m an expert. Read on and see. The thought above that others are better than me, and so I shouldn’t do anything, is one such result from my brain thoughting. Another thoughting from my brain is that others (who are better than me) already wrote about these topics and said what’s to be said… as if I’ve never seen shelves filled with books, movies, and documentaries on one subject or event. What I write about is fresh. And there’s so much I learn from reading all the good and influential writers I follow.

I don’t write because I’m afraid of the criticism and rejection — and I become overly sensitive to not having likes or claps or shares — and my infamous “my writing is so bad people don’t even comment on it” line. In my real life, I can give two cents about what people say about me, and somehow in my writing, I’ve become the oh-so-sensitive one. Realizing and accepting this part has been one of the biggest challenges, and as always, one of the most freeing steps.

I don’t write because my brain says (there it is, thoughting again) I should be consistent and write only about specific topics. As if writers cannot write different types of stories and can’t research various issues. On the contrary, my belief (it’s an opinion, you can disagree) is that writers and people who can look at different topics can create more connections between issues and include new considerations and solutions in their stories or arguments. But my brain keeps thoughting.

I don’t write because I think (that’s my brain thoughting again) that my profile should look a certain way — I should have written about my background first, have an excellent biography, and then write about what I want to write about it. I should have published daily for the last two years, and I didn’t, so, therefore, why should I write now… Never mind that if I don’t take the first step, the road can never begin, and if I don’t take the second and third and thousandth, I can never get to the beautiful unknown exciting destinations I’ve yet to reach.

These are just a few of the major links in my shackle I’ve been trying to break — or so I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m trying to break it. Except it’s been so long that all the links and locks are rusty, dry, and a deep dark color. Really, I’ve been on the all too familiar sidelines, sometimes just coasting. I realized that I have the key to the entire thing, and it’s a combination lock… There are a few digits, not in a particular order; instead, I need to keep putting in the same digits and characters over and over until I can see the entire word: Persistence. And that’s the only way I will unshackle myself. Until then, sometimes it feels like the chain loosens up, only to get tighter when I start giving up and falling back into the familiar dark, cold corner.

What will I do about it?

I resolve to stop listening to all the mundane and familiar thoughting from my brain. I’m taking on a 30-day challenge to write and publish something on Medium every single day. The topic is not that important; whatever inspires me and gets my eyes glowing, my heart pumping, and my mind going. Whether it’s about my ever-growing interest in spirituality, my years of experience in leadership and business management, my passion for nature and all of her beautiful creatures, my dedication to fitness and healthy eating, or my newfound purpose in sustainability — from circular economy to ESGs to minimalism. I’m also taking a leap to write about my personal stories — this is the first in that series. Topics might include childhood challenges, heartbreaks, achievements, my daring and adventurous nature, explorations into our wonderful planet as well as into the magic of the universe, my love affair with the ocean, diving, photography, and traveling. Basically, the things that make me, me.

I’m a writer. I’ve always been a writer from the very first days in school through college and into my professional life in various countries and languages. I’m trilingual. I sell myself short. And then I let myself get away with it. Then audaciously wonder why I don’t have the life I’ve dreamt I would have had by my 30s or 40s.

I’ve been writing every day, and yet I never publish due to all the reasons my brain gives me I shouldn’t publish. And now I’m stopping my brain’s thoughting…(shouldn’t this word be in the dictionary it’s most different from thinking) and pushing my writing forward. There’s a lot I want to share, there’s a lot I care about, and there’s definitely much research I’ve done over the last couple of years. There’s no reason for me to be ok with being on the sidelines.

This is Day 1… May 3.