Why I Don’t Want Kids

Summary

The author and their spouse have made a conscious decision not to have children, influenced by their personal experiences with mental illness and family history.

Abstract

The author discusses the mutual decision between them and their wife to remain child-free, a choice made early in their relationship. This decision is deeply rooted in their shared disinterest in parenthood, exacerbated by the author's bipolar disorder and the wife's history of abuse. They express concerns about passing on mental illness and the potential impact on a child's upbringing. The couple has faced minimal societal pressure regarding their choice and believes that having children should be a personal decision, not influenced by external expectations or societal norms. The author has undergone a vasectomy to ensure their commitment to this choice, despite systemic healthcare barriers preventing his wife from having a hysterectomy.

Opinions

The author and their wife consider themselves child-free, distinguishing this from being childless, as they do not wish to have children.
They believe that bringing a child into a relationship with underlying issues is not a solution, referring to the "quick fix" problem where couples mistakenly believe a child will resolve their problems.
The author is concerned about the potential for their genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder to be passed on to future generations.
They feel that raising a child with mental health issues is challenging and that having a child should not be a means to fix a relationship or fulfill an obligation.
The author does not believe that people with mental illness should be discouraged from having children but emphasizes that the decision is deeply personal.
They advocate for personal choice in the matter of having children and argue against societal pressures and expectations.
The author has taken a permanent step (vasectomy) to prevent having children, despite the American healthcare system making it difficult for their wife to access a hysterectomy.
They acknowledge that while some may find fulfillment in parenthood, it is not the right choice for everyone and should be respected either way.

When my wife was still my girlfriend and we were only six months into the relationship, we had one of the easiest “tough” conversations that a couple can have. She asked if I wanted kids. I said no. She said she also didn’t want kids. We agreed that there were to be no kids in our relationship. It was done in under 30 seconds.

To be fair, we both knew our positions before then, and the conversation was mostly to put a formal structure around it. We both consider ourselves child-free (not childless, which implies that we want kids), and while we are able to spend time around kids, we both enjoy the ability to leave and not be responsible for a living sack of flour.

Neither of us particularly likes kids, honestly, and we both have so much mental illness in our backgrounds (plus my wife’s history of abuse) that it was an easy pass. Neither of us really cares to pass on our family lineage or names, either, so that adds to it.

My mental illness has played a significant role in not wanting kids. There is a noticeable chain of bipolar on my mom’s side of the family, currently culminating with myself as the youngest. If I had anything to say about it, it would end with me, but I have enough cousins with kids that I’m sure it’ll manifest somewhere down the line.

That’s to say nothing of my sister, who shares enough genetics with me that it is reasonable to say that she is probably a carrier for the bipolar that haunts me. I worry that she will decide to have kids one day, and one of them will turn out like me.

It doesn’t help that I don’t talk to her, or most of my family at this point, so there is little I can do about any kids she may produce. Considering I was once taunted by a family member with “what if she has kids and one of them turns out like you,” implying that I should be there for her, I’m not really thrilled at the prospect.

Part of that is the fact that I don’t want any kid to grow up like I did. I was raised in a loving family that cared about me and did their best, and I still almost killed myself a handful of times. I like to think that my sister and cousins are good parents, but I know that some of my cousins are not to my liking in terms of temperament, so I don’t know how much I can trust that.

My wife and I have been fortunate that we haven’t received a lot of flak for not having kids, but I know a lot of people do. Parents and grandparents are particularly bad about this, but friends and coworkers can also apply pressure. If you don’t want them, ignore them, or brush them off, and don’t be afraid to be (appropriately) forceful. As far as I’m concerned, asking “when are you having kids?” is akin to “so when do you plan on having a lot of unprotected sex?” and is rude in my book.

Along with the pressures from outside come my usual reservations about kids, including and especially the “quick fix” problem. This premise, which my wife and I have watched play out multiple times, is that a couple has an issue in their relationship and agrees “we’ll get married, that will fix it.” When that doesn’t work, they agree “we’ll have a kid, that will fix it.” It almost never does.

The end result is a kid that is a point of dissent in the relationship. When that kid gets to grow up with mental illness on top of everything else, it makes me a little bitter. I’ve known a few of those kids in my life, and they didn’t deserve what they got.

Then there’s the effects on the parents. It isn’t easy to raise a kid with mental health issues. I know at least two families who are raising such kids, and they struggle sometimes to deal with them. Fortunately, they, like my family, persevere and power through, and have stronger families for it. It still takes a toll, and the potential to have a kid exacerbate an existing feud (or worse, an illness in one or both parents) is a bad plan.

On the flip side, having kids when you have your own mental illness can’t be easy. There are days when I literally want to crawl into bed and die. Having to care for a tiny human that can’t care for itself would probably drive me over the edge.

I’m not saying that people with mental illness shouldn’t have kids. I don’t want kids, and it is largely informed by my mental illness, but I also decided that I didn’t want kids when I was 11, before I had any signs or symptoms. Having kids or not is up to the parents.

A lot of people don’t understand my reasoning. They think I’m selfish for not having kids, or remind me that “god says to go forth and multiply,” as a well-meaning coworker did to me once. My argument is that some people have kids to fix a relationship as I described above, or to have a “mini me” running around, or to fill some other need or obligation in their life, so who’s the selfish one, really?

For me, what it boils down to is that I don’t want a potential kid of mine to have to grow up like I did. Do I think I would be a good father? Probably not, in all honesty. I like my free time too much, and when I get depressed I’m barely able to care for myself, let alone another being that depends on me. Plus, my cats eat up too much of that bandwidth anyway.

Our decision to not have kids is ultimately personal to us. We decided together, as a couple, that we weren’t having children, and we have taken steps to prevent that, including my vasectomy. While the American healthcare system won’t allow my wife to have a hysterectomy unless she’s got at least two kids and her husband signs off, I can at least do my part.

Your calculus may be different than ours. You may have the same mental health issues that I have, and your kids may be the thing that keeps you going every day. That’s cool. You may have kids and regret every second of it. I’m sorry if it turned out like that, but your feelings are valid and I hope you feel supported in them.

Having kids is part of being an adult, but like many parts of being an adult, it’s optional. My wife grew up with the assumption that when you became an adult, you got a house, a car, a career, a husband, and kids. She currently has two of five, having never learned to drive and being physically unable to work, and we’re both okay with that.

If your choice is to go forth and multiply, then go do that. I won’t stop you. But if you decide that you don’t want kids, don’t let any partners, parents, relatives, friends, or anyone pressure you into it. You are not selfish for not having kids, no matter your reasons.