Journal | Personal | Life

Why I Disappear Sometimes

Really, it’s not you, it’s just society

Oh hey there again, have you missed me? Noticed I’ve been gone again after pumping out a few poems, an article or two? Yeah. It happened again. I’m sorry. I really am.

I tend to have this issue with something called consistency. It’s boring. It’s hard. It’s why it’s even harder for me to implement habits in my life- especially good ones.

Even when I’d walk to the bus stop, I’d have to take a different route every few weeks to break the mundanity

I’ve been busy with life, as you’ve all have been. But the truth is, I have had time to write. I have had time to stay true and pump out content for you. I just haven’t wanted to. I’ve been tired of the grind, and if I could press pause anywhere- it can be here.

Listening to what you need in the moment, is a skill we don’t often teach; especially in this capitalist workaholic society.

One of the things that I’ve struggled with lately is tiredness. Not in the sense of not getting enough sleep, but a sort of existential or psychological sort of tiredness. I get to the point where it’s like, “I have to do this stuff for the rest of my life? Gosh. I don’t really want to.”

Which is tricky.

Because breathing is kind of important!

But joking aside, sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the concept of having to let’s say, take care of myself, for the rest of my life. That’s a long time! And it’s not that I want a shorter life, I just want living to not feel so heavy sometimes.

Sometimes I really wish we could just press pause on everything.

My therapists (yes, I have two) have both being trying to get me to see that it’s okay to be tired considering everything going on. I’ve been working on making more space for myself, and listening to what I need. It’s tricky as fuck. Because how do you start hearing yourself when you’ve ignored yourself for most of your life?

A lot of what’s going on for me seems to be boiling down to figuring what it is I need. I’m grateful that my wife is great at giving me that. But it’s hard to figure out. I’m also trying to learn to be the one who will give myself what I need, and not ignore myself.

I guess what I needed was not to write for a few days.

I guess I needed a break from pushing and forcing myself to produce.

I’m not like a lot of the folks on this app/site, and I don’t do this for a living. I enjoy sharing thoughts and words and experiences with y’all, but I need it to feel authentic for me.

I strive to be real with y’all. And this might be one of the realest things I’ve written to a group of people I don’t even know. But I respect and appreciate y’all, and hope you’ll understand and still stick around to see what gets posted.

Stay real.