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Abstract

e for the duration. I believe it went something like this. If you convert back to normal (sinus) rhythm by x time, we’ll let you go.</p><p id="78c3">Initially I was OK with that, but then realized I was relying on my heart, and the meds, to convert me back and that could happen in minutes, hours or even days.</p><h2 id="b491">Zap me!</h2><p id="bd97">When he came back I convinced him to cardiovert me (send an electrical shock through my heart with the paddles like you see on TV, but much milder and lower voltage) so I could go home. He agreed on the condition that I had someone to give me a ride home.</p><p id="3eed">I lied and said I did (just can’t ask for help). Then after I was released I got into my car and drove home by myself to a very empty house. All the while quietly dreading spending my first Christmas completely alone.</p><p id="9e88">This is my very long winded way of saying, without suppressing my emotions, I don’t think I could have emotionally, perhaps even mentally, have handled this situation.</p><h2 id="4c91">Present day</h2><p id="0245">Since starting group therapy, and even my writing on here and my <a href="https://myinstantkarma.com/">personal blog</a>, I’m finding more and more emotions are bubbling up to the surface, a relatively new experience to me and it terrifies me.</p><p id="9d2f">That being said, I’m also now experiencing longer and longer periods of quieter self talk, this is new and I like it.</p><h2 id="60ce">cPTSD and the Onion</h2><p id="ca9f">Stay with me here because this may sound odd and as mentioned above, it’s way more nuanced than simply saying it’s like peeling the layers of an onion.</p><p id="83a0">When you have a fresh raw onion, you have to peel and discard the outer layer, this to me is like giving up the idea of one on one therapy and seeing the value in group therapy where you get to share your experiences with other survivors and more importantly to me, hear from other survivors and learn through their pain and vulnerability.</p><p id="c7a2">At this point it starts to be a little more about the layers because the closer to the center you get, the stronger the onion feels and the more your eyes will become irritated and most likely start to tear up.</p><p id="c660">For me, in therapy terms, this is where

Options

I am currently. With each passing day I genuinely don’t know if I’m going to have a good day or a bad day. I don’t know if I’m going to maintain my emotionless state or burst into tears while driving back from the grocery store.</p><p id="a284">Prior to this therapy, I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried in 20 years. Last week I had to rush out of the grocery store for fear I’d start crying in front of the cashier and that would have been bloody strange for all parties.</p><h2 id="64c2">How it differs from the layers</h2><p id="81f9">Once you have the onion peeled and cut the way you want it, you then have to cook it. You can either cook it fast and high and risk it browning and burning and giving off a heck of a stink.</p><p id="edfe">In therapy terms, I’ve had a little bit of help and now think I have all the answers and, adios therapy! Thankfully I’ve been able to shelve my ego and realize it’s a process and I most definitely do not have all the answers.</p><p id="2a8a">Or, you can be patient, start to slowly sweat the onions and constantly check on them and stir them, aka, going back to group therapy each week for as long as it takes.</p><h2 id="6d06">The reward, hopefully</h2><p id="5798">Have you ever had that perfect caramelized onion on something? It’s so naturally sweet, amazing texture, hard to beat and almost impossible to imagine in its raw state. But when done right, it brightens any dish you add it to.</p><p id="a68d">I believe this is the ultimate goal with group therapy, I want to be in the emotional sweet spot. I know I’ll never be able to just walk away from those onions as they cook, I know they’ll need constant attention, but I also know with the right amount of patience and care, they can go from tears of pain to tears or joy, perhaps no tears, but very much being in touch with my emotions, finally.</p><p id="456a">I may be completely nuts thinking of it like this, but it really helps me keep perspective, especially after a ‘bad day’ or a rough therapy session.</p><p id="d05c"><b><i>Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!</i></b></p></article></body>

Why I compare complex PTSD therapy to an onion

cPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is far more nuanced of course

The crazy thought

I work from home most of the time, live alone and since my dogs died in 2019 (only 3 months apart!) I’ve been feeling more alone than ever. Oddly, the covid lockdown had little effect on my life if I’m honest. One friend said I’ve been self isolating for the last 10 years.

One of the reasons I’m able to live alone, not spend much time with people and even spend holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, even my birthday alone, is I’ve suppressed my emotions so deep, I feel nothing.

1st Christmas alone

I still remember the first Christmas I spent alone, 2008, my ex and I broke up, and she gutted the house when she left. I kept the dogs, so I believe I won. Anyway, with the stress of it all I had an Atrial Fibrillation event on either December 21st or 22nd, I don’t recall exactly.

Stupidly I drove myself to the hospital and here’s why.

1, I didn’t want to be a burden in any way, not even to the ambulance drivers

2, I don’t want people knowing I’m fallible

3, I’m an idiot, aka, I find it near impossible to ask for help

I was admitted to the ER and they did a few of the usual things waiting for the cardiologist to arrive. When he did, he took a look at my chart, had a chat with me and pretty much told me I’d be in for the holidays.

Keep in mind, if I got out all I had to look forward to was a nearly empty home, certainly no human contact and of course my two wonderful dogs. Certainly nothing even resembling Christmas.

Anyway, once he said this I started questioning him and even tried to bargain with him so I didn’t stay there for the duration. I believe it went something like this. If you convert back to normal (sinus) rhythm by x time, we’ll let you go.

Initially I was OK with that, but then realized I was relying on my heart, and the meds, to convert me back and that could happen in minutes, hours or even days.

Zap me!

When he came back I convinced him to cardiovert me (send an electrical shock through my heart with the paddles like you see on TV, but much milder and lower voltage) so I could go home. He agreed on the condition that I had someone to give me a ride home.

I lied and said I did (just can’t ask for help). Then after I was released I got into my car and drove home by myself to a very empty house. All the while quietly dreading spending my first Christmas completely alone.

This is my very long winded way of saying, without suppressing my emotions, I don’t think I could have emotionally, perhaps even mentally, have handled this situation.

Present day

Since starting group therapy, and even my writing on here and my personal blog, I’m finding more and more emotions are bubbling up to the surface, a relatively new experience to me and it terrifies me.

That being said, I’m also now experiencing longer and longer periods of quieter self talk, this is new and I like it.

cPTSD and the Onion

Stay with me here because this may sound odd and as mentioned above, it’s way more nuanced than simply saying it’s like peeling the layers of an onion.

When you have a fresh raw onion, you have to peel and discard the outer layer, this to me is like giving up the idea of one on one therapy and seeing the value in group therapy where you get to share your experiences with other survivors and more importantly to me, hear from other survivors and learn through their pain and vulnerability.

At this point it starts to be a little more about the layers because the closer to the center you get, the stronger the onion feels and the more your eyes will become irritated and most likely start to tear up.

For me, in therapy terms, this is where I am currently. With each passing day I genuinely don’t know if I’m going to have a good day or a bad day. I don’t know if I’m going to maintain my emotionless state or burst into tears while driving back from the grocery store.

Prior to this therapy, I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried in 20 years. Last week I had to rush out of the grocery store for fear I’d start crying in front of the cashier and that would have been bloody strange for all parties.

How it differs from the layers

Once you have the onion peeled and cut the way you want it, you then have to cook it. You can either cook it fast and high and risk it browning and burning and giving off a heck of a stink.

In therapy terms, I’ve had a little bit of help and now think I have all the answers and, adios therapy! Thankfully I’ve been able to shelve my ego and realize it’s a process and I most definitely do not have all the answers.

Or, you can be patient, start to slowly sweat the onions and constantly check on them and stir them, aka, going back to group therapy each week for as long as it takes.

The reward, hopefully

Have you ever had that perfect caramelized onion on something? It’s so naturally sweet, amazing texture, hard to beat and almost impossible to imagine in its raw state. But when done right, it brightens any dish you add it to.

I believe this is the ultimate goal with group therapy, I want to be in the emotional sweet spot. I know I’ll never be able to just walk away from those onions as they cook, I know they’ll need constant attention, but I also know with the right amount of patience and care, they can go from tears of pain to tears or joy, perhaps no tears, but very much being in touch with my emotions, finally.

I may be completely nuts thinking of it like this, but it really helps me keep perspective, especially after a ‘bad day’ or a rough therapy session.

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!