Why I Can’t Be the ‘Nice Girl Writer’ My Family Wants Me To Be
I am finally breaking free of many years of cultural conditioning to pursue my dream of writing
I don’t want to write about unicorns and rainbows.
Neither do I want to write about safe, squeaky clean topics out of fear of stepping on someone else’s toes or worse, offending the finer sensibilities of my family.
That’s not who I am.
But that was who I was for many years.
Cultural conditioning is a process through which we absorb and interpret the influences, norms, and messaging from our environment and translate them into what we believe to be acceptable behaviors.
In her article, cultural Identity expert and change catalyst Victoria Wilson talks about how cultural conditioning can drive our behavior — “We cannot assume that the perspectives and behaviors we’re accustomed to are right for every situation or environment. Therefore, we must become aware of our conditioning and how it affects us so we can decide what works, what doesn’t, and how we want to use that information when making decisions about our lives.”
When you belong to a culture where norms from an archaic era are still adhered to, doing something contrary to what is expected can raise eyebrows and more than wag a few tongues. And that is putting it mildly.
It is not easy to be someone who doesn’t get with the program. Unless one wants to be branded with something akin to the scarlet letter.
Even though I may be living in the US, ostracism and shunning within one’s community as a result of following one’s heart, is real. It is not surprising therefore that in a family of doctors, engineers, lawyers and business people, there has not been a single writer.
Neither a poet nor an artist for that matter.
They are a lot of hobbyists or dabblers in this thing or that. Mind you, they do so in their spare time only and that too in activities that meet with the general approval of the members of our family and community.
For example, my relatives would indulge my writing as a pastime, something I do outside of a real job but the moment I say that it is something I plan to pursue full time, the questions start coming in hard and fast.
It is as if their minds can’t envision the concept of a full time writer.
- “Can you really live off of writing?”
- “Mrs. B writes a blog. But she is retired, you know?
- “Can you handle the trolls (both online and in real life)?”
Hey, I’m a big girl in case you haven’t noticed.
Then they’d want to know what I was writing about. I mean of course they would be curious as to what their daughter, niece, aunt, family friend writes or blogs about.
Tell them it is about my experiences with depression, eating disorder, failed relationships and here’s the kicker — sexual assault and I would have set myself up to be the proverbial black sheep of the family.
That is the price for being authentic and true to oneself.
But here I am.
I have not achieved my dream of becoming a full writer yet. But I am learning the ropes. And I have come a long way since February when I took the plunge into writing.
From a hesitant writer who was initially unsure of her words, there is nothing shy or remotely apologetic about the way I convey myself in my writing today.
In addition to this platform, I have 2 of my articles featured in a reputed faith based publication and have also been invited to guest blog for a financial website as well as a wellness website. What has me the most pumped though is landing a gig to write a life story. I was approached by this person to do so after they read one of my Medium articles. What makes this my passion project is the fact that it is the story about a survivor of a near fatal incident of domestic violence, a topic I am committed to raising awareness about.
I can already feel members of my extended family frowning at my intentions since it certainly is not a ‘nice girl’ writing topic.
Let me give you a general idea of how some of the extended members of my family back in the old country look upon the uncomfortable topic of domestic abuse.
“The neighbor gets drunk and verbally abuses his wife. It happens every night right as clockwork.”
“Why on earth does she take the abuse?”
“It’s her husband after all. And it says so in the Bible that wives should submit to their husbands.”
Keep quiet and bear it, in other words. They have deemed it to be that unfortunate woman’s lot in life and therefore nothing much can be done about it.
This makes me mad. Stories like these need to be told, dammit, and not swept under the rug. And that for sure isn’t a topic for a ‘nice girl writer’.
Suffice to say, pursuing one’s passion can be a lonely process indeed. Throw in the rejections and criticisms, though part and parcel of a writer’s life, can lead one down the road of writerly insecurity.
Aashmika A, author at The Curious Reader aptly puts it like this “More often though, we are assaulted by unpleasant suspicions: What if we’re not good enough? What if we’re not actually cut out for this? What if we’re no more than cheap conjurers pretending to be wizards?”
My solution for writerly insecurity came with the realization that writing need not be a solitary endeavor.
It is not an exaggeration when I say I wouldn’t have arrived at this point without the support of my fellow writers of the Medium community. They discovered me, adopted me and nurtured the writer in me.
More so, they believe in me which is more than I can say for others.
2 ways being part of a tribe is helping me pursue my dream:
Dial- a- mentor
As a new writer, it is only natural to have numerous questions, be it about article writing, how to improve an existing draft or in using some feedback about a work in progress. But how do you go about it?
That’s the great thing about a platform like Medium. There are many writers with tons of experience who can be a valuable resource for a budding writer.
I have been fortunate to be connected to some amazing writers on this platform who are kind enough to give me their time in reviewing my work, providing constructive criticism and tips.
One of my mentors is very good at asking me questions about the writing that I submit for feedback, thus motivating me to dig deeper and build on the ideas until the end result is richer in both meaning and expression. This has been instrumental in honing my author’s voice. Another mentor has been helping me create a roadmap for navigating my journey as a writer.
Support System
Remember when I said that writing need not be a solitary endeavor? Since many of us on this platform share one thing in common, that is the love for writing, finding a tribe of like-minded writers has been a true game-changer. Having a support system of writer friends who show up and cheer for each other has not only been a big confidence booster but also a big motivator to write more and better.
There is an interesting excerpt from romance writer, Jami Albright’s article that sums it up rather beautifully — “ I made friends with other authors. This can’t be overstated. It’s vitally important to find your people and form relationships with them, whether virtually or in person. I also reached out to other authors who were doing better than me. Sometimes it worked out, and a few times it didn’t, but nobody died in the process. I’ve tried to be the best community member that I can be. I cheer people on, I support them, I share their stuff, and I offer help when I can.”
I recall reading somewhere that it’s the American Dream to have the freedom to choose what you want to do with your life. Having spent a significant portion of my life fulfilling the expectations of my parents and family members, I think it is time now for a change. It is time to live life on my terms and in pursuit of what really makes me happy. That doesn’t mean I’m going to all of a sudden stop being a good daughter, niece, aunt, friend but just saying that don’t expect me to be a ‘nice girl writer’.
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