Why I Believe Hierarchy Is Monogamy in Disguise

Hierarchal arrangements result in the participants retaining the privilege of monogamy while reaping the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle

“This is my wife. She’s my primary partner,” the person across from me introduced me to their partner via Facebook messenger, sending me to their Facebook timeline link, while we sat drinking a latte and chai tea at a local coffee shop.

They looked like a classic American family, all with smiling faces and 2.5 children. You couldn’t tell they were polyamorous by their picture. They could easily pass for a heterosexual, monogamous couple.

“Beautiful,” I said, my heart sinking. Primary.

Based on past experience, I learned when someone I am dating has a primary partner, I would be put on the back burner, waiting around for them to have time for me. Secondary. I would receive whatever time or attention they had left over to give after the primary partner received everything they need or want, first.

Based on past experience, I learned when someone I am dating has a primary partner, I would be put on the back burner, waiting around for them to have time for me. Secondary.

Even if we felt an amazing connection and fell in love, I would never be allowed to have a full family picture with them like the one they proudly displayed on Facebook.

I would be a side addition, someone to have fun with once in awhile and not to expect anything the primary partner had already claimed as theirs.

Rules would have already been made within the primary relationship I didn’t agree to which would affect the freedom of our relationship dynamic. Limits would be imposed I didn’t even consent to for our relationship.

Most polyamorous people who claim they have a primary partner practice hierarchal polyamory. Hierarchy is the idea that one partner is prioritized above all other partners or relationships. The stability of the primary relationship and the needs and desires of that relationship rank as more important than any other partner.

Hierarchy is the idea that one partner is prioritized above all other partners or relationships.

They usually cite very compelling reasons for this hierarchy… they are married, they own property or a business together, they cohabitate, they have children together, they only have emotional energy for one person, they want to ride the relationship escalator with only one person, they have been together a long time, and it’s “natural”, etc.

It’s no surprise most monogamous people say the same thing about their partner. After all, these are some of the selling points for monogamy. One person, for life. Your ride or die. We live in a couples-centric society. Preserving the status quo and passing as a monogamous couple within society allows the primary relationship to enjoy the privileges and benefits of mono-normativity without dealing with the discomfort of discrimination or stigmatization a polyamorous relationship may bring. (The burden of discrimination and stigmatization is reserved then for the secondary/tertiary relationships ).

Many people enter polyamory with a similar idea in mind. They are committed to their primary partner no matter what happens with anyone else as they explore polyamory. Their “ride or die” is the person they are with for life. Every other partner is… interchangeable. Primary partnerships, then, are about about ownership, control, and preserving the status quo.

Therefore, I believe practicing hierarchy within a polyamorous relationship is monogamy in disguise. Those who have a hierarchal arrangement are holding onto the privilege of monogamy while enjoying the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle. Primary partnerships are rooted in privilege and preserving the status quo.

How Hierarchal Polyamory is Monogamy in Disguise

I am your “one and only” is the equivalent of “I am your #1”.

Within monogamy, you have one person for life, or one person at a time. They are your “one and only” person, your ride or die. Within a hierarchal polyamorous partnership, your primary partner is your #1 person. The benefits, privileges, and status quo of a monogamous person is similar to the primary partner who is your #1. Rules and agreements are often made which ensure this rank continues regardless of any other secondary partners that become involved with either partner. The #1 receives the priority over others when it comes to long term decisions and time commitments, etc. In a more egalitarian polyamorous relationship, no one is prioritized over anyone else and everyone’s needs and wants are considered. Decisions are made based on each unique situation. This involves a high level of self-reflection and awareness as well as the ability to deal with uncomfortable feelings and ever-changing dynamics.

Hierarchies are based on exclusivity.

Hierarchy and monogamy are both rooted in exclusivity. The primary partner retains the exclusive rights of a main partner… home, family, future, money, status, emotional priority, social status, etc. By keeping a hierarchal polyamorous relationship, you are holding onto the parts of monogamy which feel safe and comfortable while embracing the parts of polyamory that aren’t too uncomfortable by making sure the primary partner never has to feel like a secondary. This unbalanced dynamic is disrespectful to any other secondary/tertiary relationships, and many have reported feeling like a second class citizen. In a more balanced dynamic, relationships are inclusive. This means others are included, no one is consistently left out, decisions are made in a more equitable way, balance is the priority, and openness is a key factor.

Hierarchy limits the polyamorous relationship structure/dynamic.

Entering a hierarchal polyamorous relationship as a secondary partner means there will be rules imposed which limit the evolution of that secondary relationship. Those rules were not made by the secondary partner, yet they are held to them as if they did. Some rules in these dynamics often are: No sleepovers, no barrier-free sex with secondary partners, and veto power is often implemented (which allows a metamour to request their partner end a relationship with a secondary partner due to their discomfort with the other partner). Other rules like no holidays together, no social media posts, no outward public affection, no invitation to family get togethers or vacations, no moving in together, no combined finances, and no relationship escalator are often implemented.

These rules are often imposed in an effort to preserve a certain level of intimacy within the primary relationship, hoping to avoid any loss or discomfort there.

Depending on what the primary partners decide is most comfortable for them and their primary relationship will determine the level they allow their secondary relationships to progress toward. These limits are often imposed in an effort to preserve a certain level of intimacy within the primary relationship, hoping to avoid any loss or discomfort there.

The secondary, or tertiary, partners will never enjoy any benefits of relationship security the primary partners have decided to preserve for themselves. In a healthier relationship, boundaries are discussed and agreed upon mutually between all partners. In consensual dynamics, rules that affect another partner are created and agreed on with all parties present.

The idea of love is based on scarcity, not plenty & abundance.

While monogamy is a valid relationship structure, it is based on the belief that love is limited and scarce. Love is all you need, with one person. Hierarchal Polyamory is rooted in a similar belief. Love and time is limited and must be preserved for the main primary partner only. Other partners are not as important and they can wait for whatever is left over.

If love was embraced as plentiful and abundant, relationship dynamics could evolve and grow as each relationship desired, without restrictions from others. In a healthier dynamic, the insecurity and fear of relationships changing would be embraced as a part of the ever-evolving process of polyamorous relationships. The one thing we can all expect in life is that everything changes. The fear of things changing often perpetuates rules to control the very issues we are afraid to face. What if those evolutions brought about more love, more abundance, and more joy?

The relationship becomes the focus, not each individual partner.

Within monogamy and hierarchy, the relationship dynamic IS the most important factor. Individuals do not matter as much. Prioritizing an institution is a big part of monogamy. The structure of the relationship must be preserved to ensure safety and security. Within hierarchy, the same dynamic exists. Safety and security matters more than the individual needs of other partners involved. When there is a decision to be made, the option which prioritizes the primary partnership will be chosen, often to the exclusion of other partners and their needs. In a healthy relationship dynamic, a primary relationship with self is the priority. Mental health and stability for all relationships will be the focus. Every partner will have a voice and will be considered while choices are made to meet everyone’s needs in an ethical way.

Hierarchal Polyamory, like Monogamy, is based on the belief that time and attention must be reserved for one person. Time and attention is taken away from other partners based on a constructed system, not in a belief in individual health and relationship longevity for all. Hierarchy assigns value and class to partners, and protects one person’s needs and feelings over others consistently. Hierarchy benefits those at the top in a primary relationship and always limits the potential of any other relationships. Hierarchy provides comfort and security for one relationship at the expense of other partners.

Non-hierachal relationships respect all individuals and embrace inclusivity and love and priority of self. Limits are not imposed by other people or relationships. No one outside the relationship dynamic is controlling the dynamic of that relationship by making rules for others to follow to appease them. For this reason, I don’t believe hierarchal relationships are equitable. It is a valid form of polyamory, yet it excludes rights and privileges of other partners to exist and evolve freely.

The most important factor in all polyamorous relationships, however, is not the label put on the relationship, but how someone treats their partners.

The most important factor in all polyamorous relationships, however, is not the label put on the relationship, but how someone treats their partners. Respect is the key.

Does your partner consider your needs and wants? Do they prioritize your your relationship? Do they pivot and make changes even when things feel scary and uncomfortable? Are they willing to have hard conversations and do the work involved? Are they available and present? Do they show up for you long after promises of commitment have been made?

We are all afraid of risk and terrified of loss. Acknowledging these fears and facing them head on is more advantageous to our relationships than holding onto old ways of relating which attempt to control others and our relationship dynamics. Vulnerability is terrifying, and necessary.

Respecting each relationship means respecting each partner as an individual. It means not asking one partner to accept disrespect in order to protect another partner. Each person is worthy of love and respect.

Allowing all our polyamorous relationships to be evolving, fluid, and changing opens up possibilities for more abundance and love, even as the growing pains subside.

If we can embrace abundance, let go of scarcity, and be willing to accept change, we will be able to receive more love and joy than we could ever imagine.