Why I Became an Inmate’s Pen Pal

I’ve always been fascinated by stories of women falling in love with men on death row.

Prisoners around the world woo and wed complete strangers from behind bars every day.

Why women choose to contact convicted murderers, drug dealers, even rapists, has always baffled me.

Watching Making a Murderer on Netflix left me even more intrigued.

In the show, Steven Avery (serving a life sentence for rape and murder) began a correspondence with Lynn Hartman — initiated by her.

Following a relationship conducted largely by telephone, the pair became engaged. This happened despite the fact that Avery is never likely to leave prison.

Later Lynn Hartman revealed a variety of anecdotes that left the mind boggled — why had she agreed to this wedding?

Hartman admitted to journalists that Avery referred to her as ‘his vagina’ from the beginning — indeed, from their first phone call — I wanted to understand why things had progressed at all.

Why would an otherwise regular lady be motivated to contact Avery?

Arguably, Avery may well be innocent. So perhaps it’s understandable?

But the Steven Avery — Lynn Hartman relationship is not unique.

Even unquestionably guilty men receive floods of correspondence from hundreds of females when they’re incarcerated.

“Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez, awaiting execution for a number of brutal murders in California, married his pen pal in 1996. The couple remained together until his death (from lymphoma) in 2013. 17 years. Wow.

Erik and Lyle Menendez, aka the ‘Blood Brothers’ are serving life sentences for the murder of their parents. Both brothers married after being incarcerated. Erik recently celebrated his 20th wedding anniversary with a woman he began corresponding with after his conviction. Lyle Menendez married pen pal Anna Eriksson in 1997.

Famous serial killers such as Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer receive as much mail as the Queen of England on some days.

Many psychologists theorize that a condition called hybristophilia is to blame.

Hybristophilia is one of countless paraphilia, or abnormal and/or extreme sexual desires. “Basically, it’s a sexual attraction to someone who’s committed some sort of outrageous and extraordinary crime,” says Jeffrey Ian Ross, PhD, criminologist and professor at the University of Baltimore.

I’m not sure I accept hybristophilia as being so widespread; does it really affect thousands of women each year?

Become a Prisoner’s Pen Pal

It’s much easier than you may think…

Keen to understand the motivation of those choosing to write to inmates, I decided to join a few online groups and explore a little more.

I found websites from the US and UK, as well as from other countries from around the globe.

I personally opted for a Facebook group because this felt easiest and had the advantage of being free.

I applied to join a group and was accepted fairly swiftly.

I promised myself that I’d approach this with an open mind, remaining as non-judgemental as I possibly could.

The group has strict rules and I was pleased to see that they only allowed inmates who had non-violent convictions, including a strict ‘no crime against women or children especially but any individual.’

Inmates were able to post from their Facebook accounts (which from what I could see were being managed for them by friends and relatives). In other cases, the Admin posted on behalf of the inmate from an email communication. Posts were normally written in the third person, even though they were clearly from the inmate — this felt a little strange.

The posts included a photo and a message from the inmate themselves as well as details on their crime and then methods to contact them.

Many prisoners were using government run platforms to receive correspondence. In the USA, most seemed to use a platform called JPay, with the UK opting for another platform to enable text messages and emails.

Upon first scrolling through the posts, I admit, I was upset.

Almost all posts were by men and were, in my opinion, disturbing.

Pictures were usually topless, or suggestive in some way.

Many were clearly taken inside a prison, although I’ve no idea how that’s possible.

Almost all posts started with ‘Hello Ladies’ or ‘Calling sexy females’ or ‘Hi Honeys’ or other equally implicative beginnings.

Additionally, posts seemed to request women of a certain ‘type’ and ‘size’ although the men were from all races, age groups etc.

In all, it was more like a crude version of Tinder.

Below is an example that I’ve written myself but is typical of what I read and draws from multiple posts:

FEMALES ONLY!

Hello ladiessss,

Jerome is a black hunk of a man — dominant, handsome, fit and strong and looking for lurve. Preferably women from Texas. Jerome is 6ft 180lbs 31' waist. Jerome loves working out, motorbikes, tattoos and rap. Jerome has a soft spot for fit, ample blonde ladies and would love it if you want to send pics and swap emails via JPay.

Looking to build with real women who know where it can go and how to take it there.

Sentence: Grand Theft Auto (4–10), Attempted Murder (8–12)

Comms: Prefers Text and Email via JPay

These kind of posts left me feeling truly uneasy.

I found them predatory in nature and also highly sexist, sometimes racist and overtly sexual.

In truth, some of them made me shudder.

I found myself drawn to some inmates

Among all of the posts that felt creepy and unpleasant, there were some that seemed genuine, though these were few and far between.

Below is my own version of a post from a relative:

Hi All,

I’m writing this for my cousin Luis, who’s 27 and serving time for dealing drugs. He’s deeply remorseful and is determined to keep straight when he’s released. He’s working towards his college degree in the prison programme and also works in the shop. Luis would like to talk to pen pals from anywhere to try and grow his mind and learn about others of different backgrounds. Luis is looking for friendship only. He’s a genuinely good guy, so I hope you’ll give him a chance.

Sentence: Distributing narcotics (5–10)

Comms: Email or Mail

There were even a couple that I felt inexplicably drawn to.

Here’s where I’ll talk about Rachel.

Accompanied by a picture of a short haired woman in prison, the post read similar to the below.

As for the photo, I couldn’t believe how much this woman looked like me. Truly.

This is Rachel.

I’m posting this using her Facebook (I’m her sister). Rachel’s serving time in Texas State for forgery after she banked false cheques. There’s no excuse for what she did, but I would say that she was about to lose her home after evicting her violent boyfriend. Rachel has never done drugs and holds a regular job that she hopes to come back to. Rachel is due out in only 10 weeks. She’s looking for pen pals because she knows that she’ll feel alone when she’s out (I live in Canada now) and wants to fill her time with constructive conversations and friendships. Rachel is straight and would like to hear from female friends only. Rachel loves art, poetry and visiting museums.

Sentence: Forgery (12 months)

Comms: Email or Mail

I can’t describe how drawn to this woman I felt.

Her story felt both tragic and relatable.

She could be me.

I’m very self-aware and I’m sure that the attraction wasn’t sexual. I definitely don’t have hybristophilia.

I took out my pen and I wrote to this inmate

I wrote three pages. I talked about me, my life, little thoughts, big thoughts.

I felt no self consciousness.

I felt that whatever I said would be okay.

That Rachel would be accepting. Non-judgemental.

I also felt like I was doing something for someone. Like a charity volunteer, improving Rachel’s life and my own at the same time.

That’s when it clicked.

A tiny glimpse into why women write to inmates.

They can’t judge. They need us.

The feeling of comfort that I could write the most damning things about myself and still be accepted.

I think that, especially for women who’ve suffered in past relationships, this must feel incredibly safe and liberating.

They finally feel good enough for someone — no matter how flawed a woman is, she isn’t in prison, condemned by the state itself.

Add to the equation that they’re speaking to a person who can’t cheat on them, ever. Whose world revolves around them. Who needs them, wants them.

Their forbidden love fairytale. The thrill. The drama.

The idealisation of a future that’ll never come to be.

Sheila Isenberg, author of ‘’Women Who Love Men Who Kill,’’ (Simon & Schuster, 1991) says that the women she interviewed often came from abusive backgrounds with little love. They become an inmate’s lifeline to the rest of the world and are attracted by their sense of safety and control. Women tend to marry inmates with long prison terms, she said:

‘’The inmate focuses all his attention on the woman and gives her an enormous amount of love. This is a roller coaster love. There are highs and lows, drama, intensity, pain and suffering that can only be provided in the artificial setting of prison.’’

Did Rachel reply?

I thought long and hard about posting that letter.

I questioned my motivation. I knew it was no longer an experiment and I was no longer objective. I talked it through with my partner.

I was super nervous about putting my address on the letter, even though Rachel is thousands of miles away.

So, I added my email address instead of my mailing address.

I took two little red pictures of Queen Elizabeth’s head and I pasted them to the top right corner of the envelope.

Then…yes…I posted it.

It’ll be there by now.

Across the world and in the hands of an incarcerated lady I’ll never meet.

From what I can work out, Rachel is due for release this week and will have access to emails.

Watch this space.

If I’m honest, I don’t mind if I receive a reply.

The moment has passed and I no longer feel the ‘pull’ that reading her sister’s post originally inspired in me.

The important thing is that I felt that moment and because of that, I have come to understand something that was previously entirely alien to me.

Final Thoughts

It sounds cliche, but I learnt SO much from this experience.

Something that began as an experiment gave me genuine insight in to a world I never thought that I’d be able to understand, let alone relate to.

While I’m certain that I personally could never write to a killer, or someone who’s harmed another creature, I can understand the feelings that drive some people to do it.

It comes from a deep place of damage and a desire for control and protection.

In a twisted way, it’s a method of finding a really safe ‘love,’ that’ll always be beautifully out of reach.

One Criminologist described it as the ‘ultimate little girl lost syndrome.’

My experience of Rachel tapped into my desire to write, safe in the knowledge that there could never be a negative judgement from the reader — a hugely selfish thing, based on a deep insecurity that so many writers feel.

My desire to be needed, even admired probably came into play. An ego boost.

It also tapped into my rather self-damaging need to ‘help’ others — I call this damaging because a relationship built purely on this foundation has never ended well for me.

Nor does it end well for prison girlfriends and brides.

It’s no surprise that nearly all prison marriages end in divorce and most prison pen pal relationships conclude before or shortly after the inmate’s release.

It’s about the need to possess the rainbow, not to find its end.

Sources

‘MANIPULATIVE’ Who is Steven Avery’s ex-girlfriend Lynn Hartman? The Sun. by Israel Salas-Rodriguez Dec 18 2020, 12:12 ET Updated: Dec 18 2020, 13:56 ET https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/1993913/steven-averys-ex-girlfriend-lynn-hartman/

Sheila Isenberg. Women Who Love Men Who Kill Published 1991 by Simon and Schuster

What Draws People to Marry Prison Inmates? By Rogene Fished. ABC News 2008. https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/US/story?id=889903&page=1

Prison Marriages Are on the Increase, Despite Daunting Rates of Failure By Donatella Lorch NY Times 1996 https://www.nytimes.com/1996/09/05/nyregion/prison-marriages-are-on-the-increase-despite-daunting-rates-of-failure.html