Why I (Almost) Never Judge Anyone

Summary

The author refrains from judging others by recognizing that life's experiences allocate our "skill points" in empathy and understanding, shaping our interactions and responses.

Abstract

The article discusses the author's personal approach to not judging people, likening life to a role-playing game where experiences dictate our ability to respond with empathy and understanding. The author acknowledges that while they sometimes feel hurt by others' insensitivity, they generally maintain a non-reactive stance due to a profound insight: our reactions are influenced by the "skill points" we've been able to allocate through our unique life circumstances, such as culture, upbringing, health, and mood. Reflecting on their past self and the growth they've experienced through challenging life events, the author emphasizes the importance of empathy towards others, recognizing that everyone is on their own journey of personal development. The article encourages readers to consider the unseen struggles of others before judging and to appreciate their own growth, suggesting that choosing the right response can have a positive influence on others.

Opinions

The author believes that personal growth and experiences directly impact our ability to interact with empathy and understanding.
They suggest that people's behavior, even when rude or insensitive, is often a reflection of their life experiences and current circumstances.
Judging others is seen as equivalent to judging oneself at a different point in personal development.
The author emphasizes that everyone has the capacity for growth and that past mistakes are part of the learning process.
They advocate for compassion and the understanding that many people are doing their best with the emotional tools they have.
The author posits that refraining from judgment and choosing empathetic responses can contribute to a collective increase in empathy and understanding.
They remind readers that we seldom have full knowledge of others' struggles and that our interpretations of their behavior may be incomplete.

I had the opportunity to allocate the relevant skill points.

Occasionally, I bamboozle my partner. She can’t understand why, when someone says something rude or insensitive, it doesn’t seem to phase me. Sometimes it does of course—I’m human. A couple of carefully aimed phrases can ruin my day. But most of the time I refrain from slipping into reactivity.

Why is that?

Well, I have a secret weapon—a nugget of existential truth. One that’s been repeatedly hammered into me while I squirmed on the anvil of life.

A friend summed it up with this analogy:

Think of life as a massive role-playing game. When we encounter one another on our quests, we have a variety of dialogue options to choose from.

Now imagine another player is rude to you. If you’ve had the chance to allocate points into the “empathy" and “understanding” skill trees, your dialogue options will reflect that. But those who haven’t had that opportunity will only be able to choose between “furious", “angry", or “just plain rude".

Our unique set of circumstances — culture, upbringing, health, mood, etc.—determines what dialogue options we have available. However, unlike a game, we don’t have full control over the allocation of skill points. Yes, we can exercise a little willpower, but it’s mainly our experiences that open up the relevant pathways.

I’m 34 now. Whenever I feel the urge to judge others, I’m reminded of myself 10 years ago. If I were to judge someone now, I would also have to judge the younger me—a player with fewer stats and a lot more levels to climb. A player who was often egotistical, obnoxious, immature, and hurt a great many people.

It’s a useful exercise: when you feel the urge to judge another person, think of yourself 10 or 15 years ago.

Were you ever rude to anyone? Did you ever lie, manipulate, or insult other people? Of course you did. We all did — we’re human. Making these kinds of mistakes is part and parcel of life; it is fuel for self-growth, wisdom, and leveling up.

God knows I’ve made a heck of a lot of blunders in my past, but I was also given ample opportunity to add points to particular skill trees. Visiting my mother in a psychiatric institution, enduring my own mental illness, caring for my chronically ill partner—my singular path has led me to the point where judging others is indistinguishable from judging myself.

Most of the time, when someone lashes out in anger or frustration, I view it as the cumulative result of their life journey; they simply don’t have the option to “be nice". Nor should I judge them for that. What do I know about what they’ve been through, or what they might be going through?

That receptionist who was curt with me may be going through a divorce. The friend who ignored my text could be suffering from a condition they aren’t comfortable talking about. There are endless reasons why people behave in ways we deem rude or hurtful, and we’re rarely (if ever) holding all the cards.

So if you feel that anger bubbling up inside, primed to attack, try to remember a lot of people haven’t had the chance to upgrade their internal hardware; they are doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Sounds corny, I know, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Ultimately, judging others serves no benefit to anyone and only results in more suffering. Be grateful you’ve been able to dump points into the relevant skill trees. By selecting the right response you may help others do the same.

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