Why & How To Stop Ghosting People

Breaking the habit basically requires two things

Ghosting just seems like it began in the digital age with the dating app revolution but it is not really a new trend. In the old days people would just go out for a pack of cigarettes, never come back and that was that.

Specifically, ghosting is when one person intentionally cuts off all communication with another without any explanation or advance warning. This cruel and dehumanizing method of rejection often results in overwhelming feelings of confusion, loneliness and helplessness, to mention a few, for the one on the receiving end. However, unfortunately for ghosters, the act can also have unintended consequences for them as well. Some of these consequences include:

• the behavior burns bridges and can put a permanent end to already existing relationships;
• it can cost the ghoster lost opportunities to experience potentially great relationships or other meaningful and fruitful engagements;
• it makes one look unreliable, weak, narcissistic, disrespectful, self-centered, insensitive, etc.;
• the more people know about one’s proclivity to ghost, the less they would want anything to do with him/her and people who have been ghosted will likely not reach out again; and,
• one becomes accustomed to running away from problems instead of facing them head-on.

Breaking from this habit basically requires two things:

1. The recognition that even the people you want nothing more to do with at least deserve some consideration and closure.

2. The courage to properly communicate your decision.

Both these two things apply whether you are communicating by crafting a thoughtful text or actually talking in person.

A few things to keep in mind:

1. It can happen that you consciously or inadvertently raise someone’s expectations about the possibility of a relationship, or its future. However, when you realize that is no longer the case perhaps because you are just not compatible and you feel it is just not working out, you should never let any guilt keep you from communicating that fact. Allowing guilt to hold you back leaves the other person holding on to false hopes and it raises the probability of a messy break in the end.
2. Practicing a little compassion at this point is always good advice. It helps in letting down people gently and according to counselor and psycho-oncologist, Hiba Siddiqui, one should be considerate when picking the time to have that talk or relay the message- “don’t do it if they’re going into a big meeting or an exam. Time it so that they are also in a state to process the breakup.”
3. Try to make “the talk” less uncomfortable, short as possible and less awkward. To help with this, Siddiqui suggests that you can prepare for the conversation by practicing beforehand. You can do this either by writing down what you want to say or saying it out loud to yourself first to minimize any discomfort you may experience when actually speaking with the person.
4. Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying you are no longer interested. You just need to be upfront about it and communicate your stance as clearly and as directly as possible. However, even though you are not to mince words so as to avoid any misunderstandings, you should remember the goal is not to offend or blame but to make your position clear and not keep false hopes alive.

A pertinent question

When communicating your decision to discontinue a relationship or do you have to give a reason(s)?

First of all, it's entirely your prerogative- you can break up for any reason or for no reason. If you have no desire to start any kind of relationship or keep one going then you shouldn't let yourself be obliged to, and you are also not obliged to give reason(s) why not. What I consider very desirable is that you make as clean a break as possible.

The common reason I hear for people not wanting to go into giving reasons is that it gives room for debates/arguments by the other person to try and change your mind. They may attempt fact-checking your perceptions to disprove them, or promise some adjustment or the other to make the relationship or engagement more satisfying for you. Which may just be a waste of time because your mind is already made up.

That being said, if you have been in a relationship for a while and there is no harm… you might want to consider being considerate and give them your reasons this will give them some sort of closure as to why you are cutting them off and spare them the negative feelings that ambiguity tends to bring.

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