Why Gratitude Sucks

Even when you’re grateful

Why should you feel grateful? Some days you might imagine that you haven’t got anything to feel grateful for?

Dr Brené Brown says that gratitude has to be practised. She says it’s like magic, the more you practice gratitude the more grateful you become. She goes on to say, ‘It’s not just about feeling grateful, it’s about developing an observable practice. So often we think that joy makes us grateful, when in reality it’s gratitude that brings joy.’

So instead of looking for things to be grateful for, we should practice being grateful for anything and everything which will bring us more joy and more gratitude for the joy.

So how do we practice gratitude?

Gratitude apps

There are various apps on the market. Some are basic and only allow you to post daily what you’re grateful for and others are paid for apps that have a journaling facility too.

I knew someone who had a gratitude app. The app pinged every hour for her to write down three things she was grateful for. The first day she found this task easy and felt good as she remembered things she was grateful for.

The next day wasn’t quite so easy and by day three she was hunting around for reasons to feel grateful. This speaks to the idea we have that there ‘should’ be reasons we feel grateful.

By day five, the app had been deleted.

Gratitude circle

I used to attend a monthly masterclass day which always included a gratitude circle at the close of the session.

I hated this part of the day.

All I could think, as I stood in the circle, was how grateful I would be when we finished. Now this isn’t because I have nothing to be grateful for, I have an abundance of reasons to be grateful.

And that was my problem.

Back in my old NLP days, people used to say, ‘think of a happy time’ and I’d go blank. I’ve clearly never been happy, I thought. But the reality was that I have too many happy times to pick just one time. I think this is what prevented me from finding something to feel grateful for in the circle beside being grateful this torture was nearly over.

That, and the request to think of something I was grateful for. I didn’t want to be told to be grateful.

I think that this is why I also baulk against gratitude journals.

Gratitude journals.

I have a wonderful journal that a dear friend got me. It has different sections to complete. At the start of each day, you write three things that you’re grateful for, three things that would make today great and two daily affirmations and then there is a section to complete in the evening that includes three amazing things that happened today and two ways you could have made today even better.

I journaled for three days. Period.

It’s a lovely journal and took minutes to complete each section, so why didn’t I do it?

Am I a gratitude grinch? I hope not. Does my life suck so much that I can’t feel grateful? Absolutely not.

My resistance made me curious and so I decided to practise gratitude for a week and see what happened.

Practising gratitude

I didn’t download and app and my beautiful journal stayed in the drawer. These clearly didn’t work for me. And so I decided to set about cultivating an attitude of gratitude.

I know that I am grateful for my children, my partner, my health, my friends and living on the beach. That goes without saying.

Which might be why I have difficulty saying it? Reciting these things by rote when I’m asked what I’m grateful for seems disingenuous.

So instead I made a point of saying thank you more often. I thanked the people I care about just for being in my life. I didn’t wait for them to do something or say something, I just told them thank you for being you.

I must admit this freaked a few people out but, hey, it’s my experiment and I’ll say what I want to.

I also made a point of verbalising the wonderful things I noticed. The sun on the waves. The colour of the sky. My lovely clients. I didn’t tell myself that I was grateful for these things because, again, it didn’t feel right. It felt forced rather than spontaneous. But saying, either out loud or in my head, ‘how wonderful the waves are’ felt natural. And nice.

Why is gratitude important?

Actively noticing the things that you’re grateful for allows you to focus on what you like about your life and takes the attention away from perceived problems and issues. We know that we’re always experiencing thought in the moment and, because thought is fleeting and transitory, we don’t always notice the thoughts we have, paying attention to a thought about something I felt happy about allowed me to bask in the feeling.

A study by the American Psychological Association says that people who keep a gratitude journal feel better about their lives as a whole. They also report feeling more optimistic, less angry and lonely. Those who do not practice gratitude tend to focus on what is wrong with their lives rather than what is going well.

The more grateful I felt, the happier I felt. No s**t Sherlock, you might think. But we know that happiness is a default feeling and the more I noticed the wonder if my life, the more I uncovered this feeling.

The less I focused on the irritations of life, the more opportunities appeared. I was more open to seeing what was in front of me.

My gratitude take away

I found that gratitude isn’t just a nice thing to do, but it is scientifically proven that gratitude has many cognitive and physical benefits. It can increase our level of happiness and decrease symptoms of depression.

It also helps us to sleep better and increases energy levels.There are also several physical benefits to practicing gratitude. It helps the immune system, promotes cardiovascular health, makes us more optimistic about life.

So whilst I probably won’t be downloading a new app on my phone and may never formally journal what I’m grateful for, I’ll continue to notice what I’m grateful for and for that I’m grateful.