Why Good Boundaries Repel Toxic/Unavailable Relationships

The Art of Boundary Setting, And Reclaiming Your Worth

As someone who started writing about personal growth to overcome their disorganised attachment tendencies — which included an affinity for unhealthy partnerships — I know a thing or two about the importance of a good boundary in dating and relationships.

To summarise boundaries: boundaries, in the words of Brené Brown are “What is okay for us, and what is not”. They are the language of respect; not just for ourselves, but for the other person, too.

Boundaries aren’t necessarily us voicing what we “want” as “wanting” can be flavoured in unhealthy desires — such as our desire to win over that person we know isn’t good for us — . No, boundaries should be the communication of our wants and needs at a core level that takes into account our overall wellbeing.

This means that boundary setting requires a level of self-awareness that looks past our often short-sighted, primal desires and takes into account the repercussions of our and other people’s decisions on our overall short-term and long-term health. In this, you may “want” someone who’s unavailable to you, but is that what you’re really “wanting”? If you truly desiring a committed relationship, I’d argue otherwise.

Coupled with self-awareness, boundaries also require communication skills. I remember listening to a podcast once where the interviewer said something along the lines of “the biggest mistake we can make is confusing awareness with action”.

I couldn’t agree more.

Today I wanted to delve into why boundary setting is so paramount in dating and relationships. I’m also going to discuss why many of us DON’T set boundaries and subsequently find ourselves in toxic cycles of unavailability.

Why Boundaries Repel Unavailability

People come in all flavours and approach dating differently. In this, not everyone is looking for a committed relationship and whilst some may, they may not want one with you.

And that’s okay, by the way. Part of dating is understanding that this is a time for mutual judgement and compatibility matching, and not everyone is going to like us the way we wish they did. This doesn’t mean we’re inherently bad or unworthy

Further, people not wanting relationships isn’t necessarily the issue here. There isn’t a universal code-of-conduct for who has to be dating and what their end points are. Some people are just out there having fun — and that’s their prerogative — . The difference is, however, is that we should all be communicating what our intentions/thoughts/feelings are on this.

And we’re not.

Due to a lack of all-around bad boundaries, the dating scene is rarely a space of open-communication and mutual respect but a space where individuals with different wants are acting without explanation. Thus, many of us are left wondering why that person slept with us and now isn’t texting us back, why their communication is hot/cold, or why they say one thing but do another — or whatever the scenario is.

All of this sends us crazy because we step out of our own true desires/wants/needs and start wondering what theirs are. This is an unhealthy place to be because 1), we can’t predict what someone is thinking if they aren’t telling us, 2) we can’t control someone else, and 3) we only know what our own desire/wants/need are. It’s a hopeless game.

This is to say, someone has to step up to the mark — and if it isn’t going to be them, it’s got to be you.

We have to start voicing what we want; not in a “I demand you to do this”, sort of way, but a “This is what I’m looking for here and I’d really like to know your thoughts on this and if we’re on the same page”. Good boundaries invite open and honest communication — which is why it repels toxic people.

Why Good Boundaries Repel Unavailability and Toxicity

Many of us find ourselves in unhealthy dynamics because we’re simply allowing them to happen. Boundaries stop the budding of unhealthy relationships in their tracks because they invite people in.

But some people don’t want to be invited.

Maybe they lack the emotional maturity to step in, maybe they don’t want a commitment — but are too afraid to say it — , maybe they do want a commitment but don’t want one with you, or maybe they are quite happy taking advantage of your bad boundaries because it benefits them when they want something. Who knows, right? We don’t. Until we ask.

Boundaries are like the bug spray I use when I’m trying to relax but hear a “buzz” in my ear. The buzz in this context is the mental gymnastics we do in dating trying to figure out what someone else’s intentions are when their words — or lack of words — are conflicting with their actions.

To be clear, boundaries aren’t a way for us to change someone else’s behaviour. That would be manipulation. I often see individuals set boundaries with the intention of opening a dialogue in order to force someone else’s hand. Boundaries are the declaration of our own wants/needs. Yes, they may succeed in opening someone else’s eyes to the reality of a situation, and by consequence changing their behaviour, but there’s no gurantee it will. They may disagree, put up a wall or otherwise back away.

And if they do, that’s okay.

This is how you know what their true intentions are.

As such, having healthy boundaries means understanding that you may lose this person but if they are being unavailable or are otherwise uncommitted to you, why are we keeping them around in the first place? I fear many of us are caught in limbo with people who can’t give us what we need because we’d rather have something than nothing. We fear if we can’t get this, why would we get someone who actually wants to commit?

Our logic is backwards and thee longer we spend lowering our boundaries for sub-par connections the longer we will spend entertaining the wrong people. As unhealthy dynamic are inherently more addictive and attention-grabbing than healthier ones, the allure of of the chase and potential to win is going to drive us. It’ll also lower our self-esteem as we shapeshift into what we think someone else wants from us — losing our authenticity in the process.

I’d love to write more on this, but I fear this article would be too long if I extended it into how self-esteem/authenticity plays into this. I’d recommend subscribing for email updates and following Above The Middle, as I’ll be posting about these topics in more detail soon! Feel free to leave claps and let me know your thoughts below.