Bipolar Life

Why Going at Your Own Pace is Okay

My story with excessive debt and bipolar disorder.

A fellow bipolar warrior posted on Twitter, “Has anyone else racked up mountains of debt while in a bipolar episode, or is it just me?”

Oh, honey, I thought to myself. It’s definitely not just you.

I don’t tell this story often because it embarrasses me, but I’m trying to get over that. If you yack in public while fighting a physical illness, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. You likely couldn’t help it. We need to feel the same way when we talk about the things we did while under the control of a mental illness.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” — Confucius

The Early Days

My bipolar diagnosis came in the spring of 1995. I was 23 but had been running the manic race for about three years prior. In those three years, I moved away from my family and friends, started and eventually failed in a business, and created a Himalayan mountain of debt.

After a 10-day hospital stay, I spent months playing the medication shuffle. Never played? Let me tell you the rules.

Basically, you’re a guinea pig, and your care team throws different combinations of medications at you to see what happens. If you’re lucky, this process goes fast, taking only a few weeks to a couple of months.

Note: For most people, this process now goes much quicker. My journey started about 30 years ago when doctors understood a lot less about the disorder.

I’ve never been lucky, and my medication shuffle was a long journey. It took three years, four doctors, and 30 medications before we found a mix that kept me stable without making me sleep 20 hours a day.

Waking Up

When the clouds began to clear, the big numbers on the credit card statements started to make sense. During the time I was unemployed, I paid bills with credit cards. Then I paid those credit cards with other credit cards. This is the worst possible way to handle your finances, and there was no digging out, or so I thought.

“I’ll never get out of this mess,” I told a friend. All hope seemed gone.

Some of my creditors were aggressive and pushed me into bankruptcy. Standing in bankruptcy court telling a judge I couldn’t pay back what I owed was one of the worst experiences of my life. I imagined a big red B tattooed on my forehead and thought my credit would never recover.

With my clearer mind, I started reading books on finances and managing money. I experimented with budgeting methods and learned to ask myself if I truly needed to make a purchase.

I even did the whole freeze your credit card in a bowl of water thing. When you wanted to buy an expensive item, you were supposed to take the bowl out of the freezer and let it melt on the counter until your card was free. If you still wanted to make the purchase after waiting, then it was probably an okay decision.

Let’s just say that didn’t work for me, and wouldn’t work today because everyone from Amazon to Walmart stores your credit card information. But I learned to evaluate purchases, making little rules for myself, such as I could only buy a CD if I liked at least five songs on it. And if I spent money on music, I couldn’t eat out that week.

Coming Out the Other Side

It was a slow process, but by 2008, ten years after I filed bankruptcy, my credit score was back up in the good range, and I’ve not had any serious issues since.

My journey to mental stability and financial mastery was slower than many people, probably even most people, but I refused to quit. I kept moving forward until I reached my goals. You can do the same.

In life, it’s easy to feel like you’re not good enough, that you’re not moving fast enough. But it’s important to remember that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Some people are quicker than others, but just because someone is faster than you doesn’t mean you are any less valuable.

Whether you’re coping with mental illness, writing a book, or climbing a literal mountain, the only person you should compare yourself to is you. What matters is progress, not comparison to others.

We all have our own unique journey in life. Just because someone else is moving faster than you doesn’t mean that you’re falling behind. Everyone moves at their own pace. As long as you don’t stop moving forward, you will eventually reach your goal.

So, whatever you’re doing, don’t get discouraged. Keep going at your own pace. You’ll reach your goal when the time is right for you.

What challenges have you faced in your mental illness journey? Did you rack up tons of debt? Please share your stories in the comments.

Pull Out Your Pens

Spend some time with your journal exploring these writing prompts.

Journal Prompt: Write about something that took you longer to learn than other people you know. Then write about something you learned quicker than others. What do the two experiences teach you?

Creative Writing Prompt: Your character is standing before a judge. The story opens with the judge saying, “Tell me how you ended up in my court.”

Until next time, keep fighting.

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