Why Forgiveness Doesn’t Happen On Its Own

When injustice happens to us, we often gnaw at it for a long time. Forgiveness is the magic word that gives us peace again. But do we have to forgive everything? And how is that supposed to work?

Forgiveness starts with me

Forgiveness is complex and leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding and interpretation. Is every behavior, thought, and word okay, as long as each of us can forgive? Do we need to forgive what has hurt us? Many scientists agree on one thing: forgiveness doesn’t just happen. If we want to forgive, we must choose to do so (1). But why would we do that? And if we decide to do so, how does it work?

When forgiveness comes into play

Whether we like it or not, we all experience injustice, disappointment, feelings such as anger or even hatred, or the need for revenge from time to time. The spectrum ranges from being transferred for the third time to violence or psychological abuse.

The latter two should be processed with professional help. For most, it is not particularly pleasant to deal with. Some of it even happens unconsciously, so we have to actively choose to look.

Maybe that’s one reason why we’re more likely to forget than to forgive. Because our brain likes to take the path of least resistance.

So — if we feel unfairly treated — who doesn’t do this happen from time to time? — then unpleasant feelings arise. If we then hold on to them or suppress them, they can become little saboteurs who keep getting in our way. They interfere with our well-being, rob us of energy, and affect our relationships.

Not only our mental peace but also our body benefits from forgiveness. Research has shown that exaggerated stress responses are reduced, which in turn protects our immune and cardiovascular systems (2).

So it’s worth getting to the bottom of our resentment and forgiving sometimes. But how does forgiveness work?

The Way of Forgiveness

We hold that the way to more inner freedom is old-fashioned-sounding forgiveness. But should we now simply forgive every injustice that happens to us? Constantly forgiving might feel like we’re giving out free passes to hurt ourselves. And that can’t be right.

To get closer to a common understanding of forgiveness, let’s take a look at what forgiveness means. Namely, forgiveness that is sincere and not just closing a drawer because we don’t like the content.

This is not so easy, because the term alone is quite contradictory. We recognize the word part ‘giveaway’ very quickly. It comes from “to give”. But if we delve even deeper into the root of “give”, we find that the word derives from the root “gëban”, which also means “to take”. A real paradox — give and take at the same time. The editors of a dictionary explain the connection in such a way that you have to have something first to be able to give it away.

Forgiveness could be thought of as accepting and relinquishing our unpleasant experiences and feelings. Something we can do just for ourselves. Theoretically, no one else needs to know about it. That sounds nice and easy at first — hand over unpleasant things.

But before that, there is another step that has it all: acceptance. It can be painful to face the experience and to look at the reason for the injury. This is precisely why it can be very helpful to seek professional guidance if you decide to take the path of forgiveness.

In psychology, forgiveness is clearly distinguished from the acceptance of injustice itself. So it is not a question of allowing this injustice to happen again and again, but of accepting that it has happened.

Psychologists from the American Psychological Association formulated forgiveness as a process in which attitudes and feelings toward the one who is forgiven change.

Assuming that something has happened without accepting the injustice — This is a very subtle and yet serious difference. While one can mean powerlessness — a justification of future injustices, the other makes it possible to deal with something that can no longer be undone.

Letting go can bring with it freedom that even makes it possible to work to ensure that the injustice does not happen again.

Related article: How to Forgive Even When It’s Difficult

At the end of the day, hurt means that someone has overstepped your boundaries, and you don’t agree with what happened. Understanding what exactly happened inside of you will help you to let go, but also for experiences in the future.

For example, you can ask yourself what specific boundary has been crossed and what exactly hurts about it.

The more you understand each other, the better you can recognize your big emotions and decide for yourself how you want to deal with them. In addition, the knowledge allows you to recognize warning signs in a similar situation — and set your boundaries earlier and communicate them.

Forgiveness: So is letting go the solution?

“You must forgive yourself before you can go on”. — it’s not quite that simple. But the statement is not quite so wrong. If we learn to let go of past injustices without forgetting them, we can be with our lives as it is — without fighting a battle we cannot win. The fight against something that has already happened.

Forgiveness does not occur with the press of a button. Forgiving something can be a long process and doesn’t have to happen in one go. We may be three steps closer to forgiveness one day and feel trapped in our anger again the next.

It’s part of the process to allow that to happen. And to perceive the feelings again and again when they arise. To perceive and accept. Again and again. It may also be that we need professional support in doing so. At some point, the time has come and we feel the freedom of forgiveness.

Maybe we’ll take a detour to our anger after that. With each time we can sense the feeling of forgiveness, it probably becomes easier to hold on to it longer. And when we are ready, we will be able to stay in the liberated feeling.