Why Female Friendships May Be the Best Way to Resist Patriarchy

We can’t do this alone.

When I was in college, my male friendships far outweighed female ones. I got along with men more easily, understood them better, and never felt like we were competing. Eight years later, I’ve become enlightened on the many layers of patriarchal conditioning. I understand why I struggled with female friendships and how it hurt me.

Like many women, I became “one of the boys.” Maybe you can relate? I saw myself as a “tomboy,” joining in backyard football games. Though I dressed feminine, I unconsciously absorbed that being masculine felt safer. I grew focused, assertive, efficient, highly logical, and over-valued my achievements.

Though it’s tough to acknowledge, many women internalize misogyny; I know I did. I unconsciously accepted that men were better, intellectually superior, meant to be leaders. I really believed being emotional was a weakness, periods made women “unstable,” and sexual purity made me valuable.

Unraveling patriarchal conditioning feels infuriating; I recognize how much I repressed my body’s needs for decades. I overworked myself to earn respect and missed out on greater creativity, loving sexuality, and intuitive wisdom. Also, many of my male friends grew attracted to me, which compromised our friendships — but that’s another article.

Through feminism research, work with my depth therapist, and extensive inner work, it’s clear that healing, growth, and resilience lie in female friendships. Once we clarify our stories and emotions, sharing with other women brings hope. No matter how devastatingly horrific patriarchal conditioning can feel, we’re never in this alone.

Women’s Struggles From Patriarchy Are Very Real

At the beginning of 2020, I felt so immersed in my masculinity that I seriously considered changing my name to something more traditionally male, or at least gender-neutral. But then I burned out at a fast-paced tech job, dove into shadow work in June, and my perspective began shifting drastically.

Now, as a passionate feminist writer and researcher, I see our hyper-masculine culture more clearly. Here are a few challenges many women experience:

• We feel self-worth tied to sexual purity
• Productivity culture does not honor the need for rest and stillness
• Capitalism over-values logic, causing us to disconnect from our bodies
• Our pleasure is not a priority in physical intimacy
• Recurring unsolicited advice makes us feel we need to be “fixed”
• Reinforced conditioning programs us to please others, especially men
• The lack of validation for our authentic experience leads to low self-worth
• Culture messaging suggests we are inherently aesthetically defective
• They belittle our beautiful sexuality with phrases like “slut” and “whore”

This simple list is the tip of the iceberg. Did I mention the ongoing lack of physical and emotional safety? Or the part where men legally owned our bodies for centuries? I might add in the witch trials, legal marital rape, and beatings, or the public stoning for infidelity, consensual or not. Oh, and if you weren’t a white woman, rape wasn’t even considered a crime.

A husband couldn’t be guilty of rape because marriage historically conveys unconditional consent; wives entered a binding contract, giving up herself to her husband… It’s much easier to dominate a body that has learned it has no sovereignty. We are profoundly burdened by the legacy of this history — Melissa Febos in “Girlhood.”

Why We Need Female Friendships

Through shared suffering, we can find peace. Together, we can mourn the past (and present) mistreatment and horror. With each others’ support and encouragement, we can tune in to our intuition and authentic desires. We get to reinforce self-trust, self-knowing, and self-love.

As I’ve discovered layers of internalized misogyny, I feel angry. Sometimes I feel on edge just being around men, irritated when he gives unsolicited advice, and disheartened when he never follows through. I feel disgusted about how much time I spent learning a masculine language and how little they rewarded me for my efforts.

I feel frustrated about how self-conscious I get just for feeling angry. I hear the voices: Anger is unladylike. You don’t want anyone to think you’re crazy. Just quiet down about that; no one wants to be around irritated women. Calm yourself.

But around other enlightened women, I know they understand. We can share our insecurities without worrying about judgment or feeling like we need to be fixed. We nurture each other with loving validation, acceptance, praise, encouragement, and an empowering mirror.

Find Women You Admire

When I first read “Cassandra Speaks: When Women Are the Storytellers, the Human Story Changes” by Elizabeth Lesser, I felt startled to realize how thoroughly men influence our culture.

Patriarchy is the house in which we all live. It possesses all of Western culture and industry and has for centuries. Even the most self-actualized women I know have embedded voices in them, still faithful to the power structures they have intellectually condemned — Febos.

We grew up with male-dominated reading lists, political systems, business leadership, public statues, and “Nobel Prize” winners demonstrating the “greatest benefit to humankind.” No wonder we feel insecure and unworthy; we live in an incredibly male-skewed, male-default system.

With that knowledge, we can focus our attention on women we admire. Here are a few of mine (not in order):

• Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of “The Women Who Run with the Wolves”
• Elizabeth Lesser, author of “Cassandra Speaks”
• Melissa Febos, author of “Girlhood”
• Marion Woodman, author of “Addiction to Perfection”
• Judith Duerk, author of “Circle of Stones”
• Amanda Palmer, author of “The Art of Asking”
• Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Big Magic”
• Julia Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way”

And so many more! (Can you tell I’m biased towards other writers?)

What we focus on expands. So I choose to focus on women who encourage balance, speak up about injustices, share empowering creativity, and use their gifts to nurture feminine flourishing.

The Joys of Female Friendship

As we start to uncover and honor our authentic selves, we notice and praise that authenticity in other women, like pointing a finger and having four fingers pointing back.

Women can sense vulnerability; we share the happy moments as much as we are willing to share each other’s sorrow. We share similar experiences in our lives. They allow you to have a healthy relationship without the feeling of being drained emotionally — Anishika Kesarwani in “Feminism in India.”

As I’ve been healing internalized misogyny, collaborating with wise women has been immensely helpful. I feel safe to share raw moments, uncertainties, and candid fears. They offer the gift of patience and hold space as I process thoughts and emotions.

I’ve experienced greater emotional depth, warmth, empathy, thoughtfulness, kindness, creativity, playfulness, and openness to new ideas with women. As someone who used to avoid emotional expression, I’m falling in love with the joy of experiencing all my emotions.

Women can empower other women to take care of themselves, listen to our body’s authentic responses, and practice saying no to anything that doesn’t feel right. We help each other heal.

Before writing this article, I’ve written about internalized misogyny, religious trauma and sex shame, sexual abuse, and discovering femininity. As I unravel patriarchal conditioning and begin connecting to my authentic creativity, I’ve noticed some beautiful changes (to name a few):

• More joy in caring for my physical living spaces
• A higher value for sustainability and nurturing practices
• Greater body confidence (I’m an exotic pole dancer now!)
• Saying “no” a bit more easily (this one’s tough)
• Appreciating the women around me more fully
• Feeling more present, grateful, and connected to beauty

With other women, we can own our stories, air out past wounds, and validate our authentic presence. We remember that it’s okay to not be okay.

As we make ourselves a priority, we resist the patriarchal standards that keep us submissive to others’ needs and men’s desires.

Through the painful remembering of mistreatment and the times we forgot ourselves, the air tastes sweeter. We deserve sexual experiences with ongoing enthusiastic consent, mutual enjoyment, and our entire, authentic selves.

Our bodies are not a box we live in; they’re who we are.

Our boundaries are not offensive; they’re healthy.

Thank you for taking care of yourself.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.