TRUE HISTORY

Why Don’t You Like Pickles, Victor? Pt. 2

From the 19th century to present.

19th Century

1809 — Napoleon Bonaparte offered to pay 12,000 francs to the person who could come up with a good solution¹ to pickle and preserve food for his troops. French chef and confectioner Nicolas Appert won the iron chef competition of yore with a key technological insight. If food was placed in a bottle and all air was removed before sealing, the bottle could be boiled — safely preserving the bottle’s contents.

This scientific breakthrough paved the way for a personal childhood favorite: Goober Grape. Peanut butter and jelly in one jar that does not need to be refrigerated!

The secret ingredient was asphyxiation. Using glass containers sealed with cork and wax, Appert was able to preserve not only vegetables and fruits, but also jellies, syrups, soups, and dairy products. Foods which have a place in civilized society — unless you have a pectin allergy, are vegan, or are diabetic. This key innovation led to the not very appertizing² jarring of pickles.

1858 — Early in the 1850s, the Scottish chemist James Young patented a second breakthrough. Paraffin oil— made from coal and oil shale. Paraffin oil created a better seal in food jars and made food, including pickles, last longer.

Preserving foods brought humanity a step closer to telling Rafael that his fucking microphone is on during the Microsoft Teams meeting and to please mute himself when he’s screaming at DoorDash customer service.

1858 — STILL! John Landis Mason of Philadelphia patented the first Mason jar, made from a heavyweight glass that could withstand high temperatures during canning. Why putting something in a jar is called canning is beyond me. Mason jars would later be used to store H.J. Heinz’s pickles. Remember how 100% of people who consumed pickles will die? John is no longer with us.

1893 — At the Chicago World’s Fair, “Pickle King” H.J. Heinz dispatched a few local boys to tempt fairgoers with a “gift” if they visited Heinz’s out-of-the-way booth and tasted his wares. It’s odd to think of using juveniles to entice people, but it has regrettably worked well for Vatican City to date. By the end of the fair, Heinz had gifted ~1 million “pickle pins,” launching one of the most successful marketing gimmicks in history. Flextape and the Slap Chop have nothing compared to Heinz.

Heinz lobbied for new food purity regulations so his competitors could no longer sell similar products. While pickles are safe to eat, pickle eaters are not safe to be around.

20th Century

1940 — During World War II, the U.S. government rationed pickles, and 40 percent of the nation’s production of pickles went to the armed forces who dropped them over the theater of battle during the Battle of the Bulge. This resulted in pickles juice blinding of the Axis Panzer division drivers. War historians describe battered and bloodied German soldiers screaming “essiggurke!” as they doused their burning eyes with water.

1948 — the trade organization Pickle Packers International, founded in 1893, launched International Pickle Week. Personally, I don’t find how pickles are packed important. It has more to do with pace, perseverance, and playing Dave Matthews Band albums.

21st Century

2000 — After beating the Dallas Cowboys 41–14 on a day when temperatures reached 109˚ F, players from the Philadelphia Eagles football team famously credited their endurance to drinking pickle juice. THE LAST TIME THE EAGLES WON A SUPERBOWL WAS IN 1960, 62 YEARS AGO. I GUESS PICKLES ARE NOT THAT FUCKING’ GREAT! A later study at Brigham Young University backed these claims scientifically, determining knocking back pickle juice “relieved a cramp 45 percent faster” than drinking no fluids and about “37 percent faster” than water. The time sample was just 35 seconds, so the risk is not worth it.

Pickle water, AKA ‘salty water without all the chunky sediment floating around’. Be normal for once in your miserating life and drink salty water instead.

2023 —The day tennis player Carlos Alcaraz won Wimbledon, he drank pickle juice during the nearly 5-hour match. Prior to that, he was the youngest player to win the Miami Open, the Madrid open, and to be ranked number one on the Association of Tennis Professionals’ ranking at his age. But I’m sure all of that meant nothing. It’s so obvious it was the pickle juice! I’m now going to drink two pickle juices and take everything this young, and healthy professional athlete has ever worked for! Said no one ever.

Conclusion

Heinz Ketchup label finally swapped the picture of a gherkin pickle with a picture of a tomato in 2009. It took nearly 140 years to end the madness. The most regrettable thing about pickles isn’t that reality TV star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi dressed up as a pickle princess for Halloween in 2010 —that’s second place. The most regrettable thing is that these abominations exist in the first place. If we’re ever at a restaurant together, and I order a burger, you can have mine.

Now you know why I am a hater of pickles. As a bonus, Grandma Smillew understands why my username is “ahistoricalhow”. Now I’m curious to know your own thoughts on pickles. Do you like the sweet ones? Have I convinced you to swear off pickles forever? Are you going to think about this piece the next time you eat one?

Part 1 of this series on these floppy nasty bites can be found here

¹Based on his Italian surname, buona (good) and parte’ solution or match’. Saltwater is a solution in chemical terms, making this a 2-layer pun. I’m just as disgusted as you.

²Reason 7,521 editors hate me. Typos that aren’t typos amidst typos that are typos.

Victor Cardenas resides in Sacramento, CA and does not care for pickles.

The True History series consists of in-depth, ‘totally accurate’ research. Each instance is fastidiously researched using reliable indicators of record such as lying, exaggeration, and deceit. All True History articles are guaranteed to be poorly researched, with cognitive bias and ego dispersed throughout.