Why Don’t More Men Understand the Menopause?

The fact that your husband or partner isn’t as supportive as you want isn’t necessarily their fault. Find out why.

Some of my friends went through the menopause before me. We’d meet for coffee, and they would talk about their symptoms and feelings. This was really useful for me — gave me a heads-up on what to expect.

But, some of them spent a lot of time complaining about their husbands or partners. They felt that they weren’t getting enough support from them.

I didn’t get this. Most of the men in their lives were supportive. They had built shared lives together that divided childcare, career, and household responsibilities.

Surely these men didn’t all turn into uncaring monsters when their wives or partners got menopausal?

Once I started going through the menopause myself, I understood. My usually supportive husband changed, and I often felt that I was going through this process alone.

Now I’m on the other side, I’ve thought about this a lot. I realised that he didn’t always step up because he didn’t care. Sometimes, he just didn’t know what to do for the best.

Why is the menopause so mystifying for so many men? Why do they find it hard to support their wives or partners?

Men are conditioned by their mothers

Older generations of women didn’t talk about menopause to their husbands or children. They just got on with it.

I asked my husband once if he remembered how his mother dealt with her menopause. Try as he might, he couldn’t remember anything about it. I can’t remember anything about my Mum’s experience either.

This isn’t a memory thing. Our mothers simply didn’t talk about it. They sucked up everything they had to deal with on their own.

If your husband or partner is conditioned to expect women to just deal with this time of life privately and secretly, then they are more likely to just leave you to get on with things. If you follow the example of your mother and try to cope on your own, then you validate this choice.

You can break this cycle by talking to your husband about your symptoms and feelings. Involve them and ask for their help.

Men don’t understand how the menopause works

It’s hard for men to understand what the menopause is like. They don’t go through anything like this. Some see this as a period of natural change — which it is — and assume that it can’t be that big a deal.

To be fair, most women don’t know how the menopause will affect them either until they go through it. Every woman has different symptoms and experiences. This is an unpredictable and ever-changing process that can last for years.

According to The Menopause Charity¹, there are over 30 common menopausal symptoms that can affect you physically and psychologically. But, every woman will know other women who have had a symptom that isn’t on this list.

How can you expect your husband or partner to know what will happen if you don’t?

Education helps. Ask your husband or partner to read up on the menopause and its symptoms. If you arm them with knowledge, then they can be more understanding and supportive. They know what might happen.

Men feel helpless

My husband is generally really good if I feel ill. For example, if I get a migraine, he’ll deliver painkillers and restorative cups of tea at the right times.

He didn’t know what to do about a lot of my menopausal symptoms. He would either try too hard or not try at all.

I think he felt quite helpless. He wanted practical solutions that he could reliably use to make me feel better. If he couldn’t do anything, he often assumed that there was nothing to be done. He became frustrated that he couldn’t help.

My husband isn’t alone. According to The Mate Survey², only 46% of men know that there are specific treatments for menopausal symptoms.

My husband felt less helpless when I talked to him about how I felt. We found ways to deal with some of my symptoms, and he became more supportive when he knew what he could do to help.

Some women also take their husbands or partners with them when they see their doctors for menopause treatments. If you involve your husband in your medical appointments and treatment plans, then they become more engaged.

They can also make sure that you get the help you need at a time when articulating your physical and psychological symptoms to a doctor is so very difficult. If you give them a supportive role, then most men will take it.

Men shut down if you behave unpredictably

My husband found it really hard to deal with my menopausal mood swings. I was often crazily irrational and unpredictable.

For example, when I started having hot flushes, he tried really hard to make me more comfortable. In the depths of winter, he would turn off the heating, throw on five sweaters, and open all the windows to try to cool me down.

Sometimes, I loved him to death for this. Other times, I went online to find out if I could get away with manslaughter for stabbing him because he was too attentive.

Go figure. The only reliable constant with menopausal moods is that they swing without warning and that these swings can be cataclysmic.

We got to the stage where my husband just stopped trying to help. He shut down — quite understandably — because I kept shutting him out. He didn’t know whether it was safe to talk to me in the kitchen when I was cooking or whether he needed to be in another room when I had a knife in my hand.

We eventually came to a workable solution. He kept offering help, but I’d tell him to back off — or just growl — when I wasn’t in the right mood. He then knew to give me space. He also found it easier not to take my mood swings personally once he understood that they were often uncontrollable.

Men suffer from your menopause too

It’s easy to think that the menopause only affects women. This isn’t true. It also affects the man in your life.

The fact that your husband or partner doesn’t go through this process doesn’t mean that they get an easy ride. Your menopause affects their life too.

The man in your life might not suffer from the same symptoms and emotional turmoil as you, but they suffer all the same. They might have increased anxiety and stress during this period. You might go through physical and psychological changes that affect your relationship and everyday life.

Your feelings about reaching this pivotal milestone that heralds a new stage in your life reminds them that they are getting older too. This can be a hard fact to accept.

Problem is, they — and you — might ignore or minimise these knock-on effects. Your husband or partner might internalise their feelings or become resentful that you don’t acknowledge them or take them seriously. They might not be as supportive as you would like if they feel unsupported too.

It’s important to try to talk and to listen if your husband or partner is struggling too. This helps you as well. If you work together, then you both feel more supportive and supported.

So, what’s the takeaway here? If your husband or partner isn’t being supportive, then maybe you need to cut them some slack.

Don’t assume they don’t want to help. Tell them what you need and help them understand what you are going through. Listen to their concerns and take them seriously.

If you can do all this, then you might just get the support you need during your menopause.

Sources:

1. The Menopause Charity — Symptoms List
2. National Library of Medicine — The MATE Survey