Why Does Everyone Else Have It Figured Out?
Do you feel like the only mess in the room?
“I loved and I was loved, I had fine children, a great estate, fame, health, physical and moral strength: I could work ten hours at a stretch without tiring…The truth is that life was absurd. I had arrived at an abyss and I saw that before me was only death. I, a healthy, happy man, I felt that I could live no longer.” — Leo Tolstoy, after the success of War and Peace
Clothing is funny. Of all the creatures on Earth, only the one that was first embarrassed in the garden covers its body. Even in warm climates, save for a few “primitive” cultures, everyone covers up.
Clothes hide perceived imperfection. Clothes can make a body that’s never worked out or eaten right a day in its life look amazing. Clothes make the man.
In the Hans Christen Anderson parable, The Emperor Has No Clothes, a couple of swindlers dupe the kingdom into believing they’ve woven garments out of fabric that is invisible to those who are unworthy or stupid. When no one can see the non existent clothes, everyone pretends they can so as not to be exposed as unworthy or stupid.
Unless you’ve got Xray vision, or invisible garments, you have no idea what’s really under someone’s clothes, and you have no clue what’s behind every facade you pass on the street. The thoughts floating around in someone’s head can be completely disparate from the outward appearance they convey. The two can be completely opposite. Outward appearance really means very little.
“And yet it is at this very period of glory and prosperity that he experiences with terrifying intensity the seizure of an anxiety which will not free him from its grip as long as he draws a breath.” — Henri Troyat, in the introduction to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina
I spent the first part of my life deep in what Jung called the ego separation phase, completely obsessed with appearance and carnal pleasures. Despite a decade as a competitive bodybuilder and a lifetime of being in shape, I have had body dysmorphia since I was a teenager. My body always disappointed me, and it wasn’t until my forties that I began to like the way I looked. Still, from one day to the next, I can go from thinking I look awesome to feeling nauseous when I look in the mirror.
On days when I have bad social anxiety, I‘m like Elaine stuck on the subway in that Seinfeld episode. In my head, I’m screaming to get away. I want to be heard but not seen. I feel like an exile who has banished myself.
On the outside, no one would know.
This happens a lot at the gym. I’ve been working out in health clubs since I was thirteen years old and the gym has always been a happy place for me, but social anxiety turns it into the giant trash compactor in Star Wars. I wonder what people think of me — ask myself how everyone is just existing without freaking out — while wearing a blank look on my face. I’m the guy in the gym who knows what he’s doing, but I feel more awkward at those moments than an out of shape person lifting weights for the first time. I can’t wait to finish my workout and storm out of the place.
It’s the same with martial arts. After twenty-four years of training, when I’m in my head, being on the mat can be a nightmare. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, and I want to run. Again, I’m the black belt in the room, yet I feel lost and afraid.
How do people do it?
One of the great things about getting older is that the pool of anecdotal evidence grows. Now that I’m forty-eight, I’ve met enough people that I’m kind of recycling archetypes. Among all the types I’ve met, everyone has those moments of self doubt and total collapse. Most people don’t let anyone see those moments.
I’ve always been a good listener, so I’ve had a lot of people share things with me that no one would suspect they are dealing with based on outward appearances. Some of the strongest looking people are struggling to hold it together every day. I’ve seen some of the men and women I admire most collapse into piles of mush while in private.
In an article in Psychology Today, Katherine Hawley, Ph.D., talks about the shame and guilt associated with impostor syndrome — the feeling that we are inadequate and will soon be found out. Hawley says the perceived deception involved in pretending to have it all figured out creates guilt over being dishonest, along with the shame of not being good enough. This leads to more pressure filled pretending.
“…he cast more doubts than ever on his art and his life. he was nearing fifty and was suddenly discovering the inanity of all the benefits fortune had poured on him up to now.” — Henri Troyat, in the introduction to Tolstoy’s novel, Anna Karenina
Writing about all my issues is my way of countering my internal doubts and anxiety. If I talk about stuff that most people hide, and it resonates with someone, maybe I won’t feel so much pressure to keep up appearances. Maybe I can relax a little more on the inside and I won’t be anxious. I can just be myself.
That’s probably what most of us ultimately want; to be ourselves all the time and be accepted. I won’t air out all my dirty laundry, but the stuff that’s in my head will bore a hole through my skull if I don’t spew it out on a page.
So what do other people do? Where do they let their pain ooze? What about people that don’t have an outlet? Is all that laundry just piling up?
There’s an amazing show on Netflix called Beef that showcases how the characters whose lives appear to be together and the people whose lives appear to be a mess both feel like failures, and both pretend to be doing great. While I don’t think we should all walk around complaining about life, we also shouldn’t have to pretend everything’s ok for the benefit of others. Everyone is dealing with varying degrees of neurosis. At least some of us have to be willing to admit what’s really on the inside — at least until we ditch these clothes.
My new book, Brokedown Sensei: How I Fought Trauma and Bipolar Disorder From The Outside In, is now available on Amazon.
If you need more information on depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental health issues, https://www.drugwatch.com/mental-health/depression/ has some great information