Why does a narcissist need to be in a relationship?

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They don’t need to be in a ROMANTIC relationship but they seem to need to have one person at least that admires them that can be a child or a friend who idealizes them. Its more of a need for validation and affirmation in order to bolster their weakened ego. Here are some of the factors that create that need to boost their ego.

Inner Critic

We all have a voice in our head that was implanted there when we were young. The narcissists tend to have a pretty negative sounding voice and that is what compels them toward perfection. They can shut that voice up if they achieve perfection. It really is that simple of a driving mechanism which propels that desire to be perfect.

Boredom

When you combine that voice with boredom then you have the ability to self reflect. When you self reflect you can grow as a person. You can become a better version of yourself by acknowledging your mistakes and learning from them. You can develop more empathy for people when you can look at what you’ve done and the effect its had. You can become a better person.

Boredom for the narcissist means that they are locked inside their own head with that inner voice. Their inner voice knows all of their flaws and it knows all of their deficiencies. They have to work hard at appeasing that inner voice and it demands perfection. Boredom gives that voice an internal focus and the whole premise of what and who they are is built on the notion that they are perfect.

Splitting

Within themselves they get this crisis of splitting where once that voice starts in all they can see is all of their failures and all of the reasons why they are far from perfect. There is no balance. The shame and the ego crisis that results brings on a sense of threat or urgency buried in their earliest childhood experience which created that foundational desire to be perfect.

Feeling of Impending Doom

It is a feeling of impending doom emotionally but logically not having anything to attribute it to other than imperfection. They can’t ignore this voice when they’re alone for too long and it brings on these feelings of peril when its self focused.

People are Camouflage

People are needed by the narcissistic individual as camouflage for their own imperfections. With people around there are other reasons why things are not perfect. Its these other individuals that they tolerate that cause these problems in their life. It isn’t as easy to blame failure and imperfections on other people when there are no other people, so they desire to have people as a buffer to protect them from sitting with that voice and those feelings.

Admiration

Ideally, they will have a mate or a child that will make them feel great again. They need someone to tell them they are the smartest, someone to tell them they are attractive and the greatest at something. They need that boost of admiration so that they can keep that inner voice at bay.

Plan B

However, sometimes they need to resort to plan B. Plan B is for when they have done nothing noteworthy. Its for when they made a mistake and they know it and that voice is tearing them to shreds on the inside. They hate the guilt, the shame, and it makes them self loathe and you can’t be perfect when you see so many of your own damn flaws.

Plan B, the emergency inoculation to that crisis is to channel that inner voice onto you.. This is where your real purpose comes in as their significant other. You are the stop gap. This is why you were selected because you have loyalty and you have patience that stretches well beyond what a normal person would dream of tolerating. You are here to be plan B — the kicking horse for all those horrific things that inner voice tells them.

If its directed through them to your imperfections and your flaws then they get a pass on this ego crisis day.

Evolving Into Perpetual Plan B

They start to rely on Plan B more and more the longer you are together. It becomes a habit to the point where its easier to invoke plan B than to put the effort into the relationship that would be required for them to get the admiration they desire from you. There is another complicating aspect to this.

The Value of your Admiration Diminishes

Only, its like any other thing in life. When you hear it over and over again you begin to believe it. As much as they have been convincing you that you are flawed and you are the problem they are also convincing themselves the more they say it. They convince you both that you are no good so when it comes time to breakup — they really do loathe you and see nothing but trash there. Your admiration is worth nothing when you are such a pathetic disgusting creature.

Anyone Can Fill The Hole

They can use anyone in this role however, they can use their kid as the admirer. It gets dicey though when they need a plan B. If it comes to having that inner voice turn on themselves adoring child or not — Plan B will be invoked. No one is safe from that inner critic of theirs and if it comes down to being between you and them, the narcissist will turn on you in a second.

The narcissist needs to be in a relationship to avoid dealing with the inner voice that threatens their sense of self, that can send them spiralling into despair and depression, and makes them see themselves as they see the world — imperfect and disgusting.

In the end it’s attention in the form of validation and affirmation and some need it more than others. Some are actually content being on their own but need that boost from the workplace or something they look at as valuable for receiving a good assessment and praise.