“Why Do You Even Want This?!”

Or, how I ended up calling out a friend on a cycle we all have experienced once.

Liam* has been dealing with a lot of stuff in his life. Most of it seems to be related to women. Without fail, he approaches women who are famous for cheating, gold-digging, and financial infidelity.

After the last one bled him dry, I decided to bite the bullet and remind him that this was a pattern. It’s a pattern that I’ve watched over and over and over again. And lately, I realized something.

It’s a pattern that I broke out of when I met my husband.

Most people I know who have serious problems in life are stuck in mental patterns that hurt them.

Back in the day, I had this idea that I had to be submissive, to find some man and convince him that I was worth loving. Men saw this and they descended on me like vultures to a carcass.

The kinder and more agreeable I was, the worse I was treated. And then I’d have more men gaslight me into thinking it was my fault that I put out to the wrong guy. And I felt crazy because somehow I was supposed to know who would abuse me.

It was only when I decided that I no longer wanted to invest in actively trying to find a spouse and chose to go head-first into my addictions that I found my husband.

I’m not going to say my way was the healthiest way to cope with walking away from men, but my deprioritizing men and assuming the worst did give me the weird strength to walk away if I needed to.

Just like that, the pattern I had of dating vanished.

The more I look at it, the more most people have internalized things that cause us pain.

Liam keeps trying to date high-maintenance women who don’t want to lift a finger because he sees that as a way of proving himself. I kept internalizing this whole “proving my worth” vibe.

Others I know keep up crazy workouts because they can’t imagine that they can find love otherwise. Still more have doubled down on the idea that money can buy love and happiness.

Truth be told, most of these things turn into a cycle of pain. We chase things we can’t have, hurting ourselves in the process, because we keep trying to bury a hurt or a belief we hold.

It was then I asked him, “What do you even want with this?”

It’s a question that most people have never had to justify. Most people don’t ask why they want something. I had to justify most of my needs to random strangers — especially with my reproductive behaviors.

Most people don’t realize why they want something, only when they don’t want something. So, you have to ask them bluntly, especially when it comes to patterns that hurt you.

• Yes, you should ask why you keep approaching women who look like sugar babies when you don't earn much. Is it because of her, or is it because of what she represents to you?
• Yes, you should ask why your romantic partner has nothing in common with you. You need to have some common ground. SOME! Why are you sticking with someone you aren’t into on a personal level? Is it a matter of expectations?
• Yes, you should ask why you keep falling for abusers who start by love-bombing. Are you attention—starved? Have a hard time figuring out what to watch out for? Now would be a time to confront that.
• Yes, you should ask why you buy the latest cool brands. Do you like those clothes or are you a fan because everyone else is wearing them? Are you afraid to wear what you want to wear? Why is that?
• Yes, you should ask why you stay in a school that you hate. Is the major something you *really* want to do?

More often than not, asking these things when you have a pattern of problems dealing with what you’re doing can make you snap out of it. It also can help you figure out what deep-seated issues you have that you need to address.

Some reasons to want something can be very valid.

You don’t always need a reason to want or not want something. For example, having kids is a personal decision. Many of us view it as a biological calling.

Sometimes, wearing funky clothes or doing something is a form of self-expression. That’s valid. You should be able to express yourself or fashion a lifestyle that you genuinely enjoy.

Maybe you want to be with someone because you genuinely love providing and caring for them. That’s why I was so desperate to be married. I wanted that permanent partner I could adore every day.

But, what if some of your wants are not so healthy?

What if you keep finding yourself realizing that:

• You find yourself trying to prove that you’re not someone. You do that through your actions every day. There’s no need to keep trying to prove it to the point of overkill. If you’re a decent person, people know you’re not that person.
• You find yourself trying to prove your worth to others. This is the road to your hell. You cannot force people to like you nor can you force them to see your worth. They either see it or they don’t.
• You want something just because everyone else has it. This is a sign that you’ve fallen for either marketing or propaganda, or both. Just because everyone has it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.
• You are pursuing something because you don’t want to face something that’s already an issue in your life. For example, are you a heavy drinker who drinks because they can’t get laid? I’ve been there. I found a solution to stop that: I went HARD into picking up people until I found someone willing to fuck me.
• You want to hurt other people. This is not healthy. It’s often a sign that you have a long-standing wound that you haven’t addressed. I so often see people who want to dominate, use, or abuse their partners — and not in a sexy way. This is not normal nor is it healthy. You have to ask why you’re okay with it.

Knowing the “why” you do something can help you figure out how to stop doing it. It also can make you realize that you aren’t attracted to what you think you are attracted to.

Sometimes, just knowing the why is enough to make you knock it off. If you aren’t sure why you’re having a bad time with the people you chase, ask why. Or, ask others if they can help you figure out why.

It can help.