Why do we like what we like sexually?
Contemplating discovering my kinky side
I should have studied sociology as I am so interested in humans and their cultures. Instead, I started with the classics, philosophy, languages, and politics. I ended up working in government service for several years. This was a very formative experience and highlighted for me my main life theme: freedom. Are we really free as humans in any way? Or are we all products of our environment, etc.? Being a small cog in the machine of America’s industrial-military complex greatly affected me, and the feeling of powerlessness I experienced relates to the theme of human freedom. I am still exploring this topic of freedom in my life of thought, feeling, action, and more recently desire.
Why do we like what we like? Some things I’m only getting into now because I saw someone else do it at a jam or a party. I didn’t know that it was even an option until now. Does that mean that I freely chose that desire, or was just ‘infected’ with it as part of this kinky path and the fetish lifestyle? I’m leaning towards the explanation that my own imagination was and has been so limited and stunted in growth due to vanilla life that at this point in my path of discovery I must first learn by imitation and inspiration, and then will arrive slowly at the land of endless possibilities.
There are some fantasies, desires, and drives that I have always had that I can now explore without thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Now that I’m out in the scene, being a pervert is a good thing! I’m sure I’m not alone in this elated newbie experience of part liberation, part coming home to one’s tribe feeling, and also partly the feeling of “Oh my Gawd, this is just the beginning of a vast world of exciting, terrifying, and delicious adventures!” This is a small missive from the world of kink, and it’s a positive one.
What I can say so far: I am not driven by a massive sexual drive to fulfill all my sexual fantasies with any and everyone possible. This is a path of self-discovery and exploration for me, and my standards, hopes, preferences for the company I choose remain as high— if not even higher—now that my path involves kink. I am deeply affected by my interactions with all my fellow humans, and this thin-skinnedness means I must be selective.
I would categorize myself as a sociable introvert, meaning I like people, but I need a lot of time alone to recharge after interacting with them. I have only learned the aforementioned points because of doing it exactly the opposite way: going out constantly, having too many and too much Tinder action (even before the Tinder era), being generally afraid of being alone with my own thoughts, and thus either desperately seeking out company or accepting any company regardless of the quality of said company. Once I got into the kinky world, I realized this need to recharge was essential otherwise I’d risk my health, both mental and physical. It takes time to build trust and communication with someone to practice safe kink.
As a friend recently posted online about his experience with rope: It’s all about relationships. Everything is better when you are in a relationship with the person you are tying. It’s not just about going and tying up strangers — although you can — for there to be quality to the experience, you must have some kind of relationship with the person. This has been my experience with sex and life so far. We are all seeking quality relationship. No one is looking for crappy relationships, and yet they keep happening. For me, by examining my own inner and outer life, I am better able to engage in quality relationships.
Bumbling through life without examining it….someone once said something about that…