Why Do We Have to Say the Customary “Hey!” to People Every Day

Who invented the words “Hey!” and “Hello!” to greet someone?

Rachel, my teammate, came to the office, walked past my desk, and sat next to me in the cubicle. She looked at me as I looked at her. It was a bit early for her liking to be in the office. It was 10 a.m. She didn’t want to be there. She couldn’t even fake it. I wouldn’t blame her. It was Monday. You’re wholeheartedly excused if you can’t fake it on Monday. It’s an unwritten rule.

As we kept looking at each other for a few microseconds, there came the tricky part. The tricky part? Who is going to say the fake greeting word first — “Hey!” What could possibly be so tricky about it? I was already sitting there in our office. I came before her. That counts for something, surely.

I’m not going to tell her “Hey!” first. She should tell me. It’s an unwritten rule. Then I’ll tell her “Hey!” back. I kept looking at her because I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her upcoming “Hey!”. That would be rude. I’m not rude. I can’t be rude. I once tried to be rude. Rude doesn’t suit me.

She kept looking at me because she was waiting for me to say “Hey!” first. She was messing with the wrong person. She was getting nothing from me. In fact, if I said “Hey!” first, that would be rude. I could be labeled as a prima donna. I can’t be a prima donna.

Something suddenly dawned on her that she was messing with the wrong person. Without much enthusiasm, she said “Hey!” to me. Now, how hard was that, Rach? I said “Hey!” back within a nanosecond. You don’t wait even for a second to say “Hey!” back to someone who reluctantly said “Hey!” to you.

It would be rude if you wait for more than a second. One second is the cut-off time. Your “Hey!” back should sound like you already had “Hey!” in your mouth readily and you were only waiting for them to say “Hey!” first — because you were.

She and I both knew we didn’t mean our “Hey!” It was merely customary “Hey!” Who made this customary? Granted, it’s an unwritten rule, but why? What’s the point of saying “Hey!” when both parties are looking for others to say it first? Even if we did mean our “Hey!” wholeheartedly, it doesn’t mean anything.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t greet each other at all. We absolutely should. We’re not barbarians. At least not entirely. So how do you greet someone when you meet them? You give them a reverent nod. Now that means something. You can’t fake your reverent rod. It comes straight from the heart. Well, it technically comes from the head. But you get what I mean.

Why can’t we avoid the whole “Hey!” part and jump right into the conversation? Nothing to converse? Both of you do a reverend nod and move on.

I want to tell Rachel first thing in the morning, “Monday should be spelled as Mournday. And it’s still pronounced the same.” I don’t want to tell her the pointless “Hey!” It’s not like I’m meeting her for the first time. Our “Hey!” is as pointless as British people asking “How do you do?” to each other where nobody answers. British people saying*.

So what if I meet someone for the first time either? Who invented the words “Hey!”, “Hi!” and “Hello!” to greet someone? Who decided ”Hi!” and “Hello” are formal but “Hey” is causal and laid back? Who made that up?

Don’t even get me started on “Hiya!” It’s the coolest way to greet someone. It’s an expression said when people who know each other well meet. How? Why? WHAT? Hello!

It at least makes sense when you say “Hello!” to the other person on the phone. You can’t do a reverent nod on the phone. You can but they won’t know you just did. I’m not saying “Hello!” is the ideal word to greet someone on the phone. They had to come up with something and saying “Hello!” somewhat makes sense.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against using these words when you’re texting. You can’t do a reverent nod in texting. Although — there should be an emoji for it.

I don’t say this often enough, because it’s generally implied, but believe me — I’ve thought about this long enough.

I’m never using these “customary” greeting words in my life ever again to greet someone. I’m going to give everyone the highest genuine respect I possibly could. A reverent nod. Also, it’s easier than saying the fake “Hey!”

You don’t like my nod? Too bad. I love my nod. It makes me feel like I’m doing something incredibly important for society. Because I am. It makes me feel like I’m one of the most civilized people alive. Also, I am.

Now, who is authorized to make this customary? Which country? Japan? Japan feels right to me. It can’t be England. That’s for sure. Definitely not the US.

And you know what? I’m never again saying “Bye!” to anyone either. How do I say “Bye!” then? You’ll get the most perfect sarcastic reverent nod from me. That’s how I want to say “Bye!” to people.

“Hiya!” If you can fake even your genuine reverent nod, you’re amazing and you truly deserve to read the below: