Why do we fall in love with the “wrong” person over and over again?
One of the biggest myths about relationships is that we believe we are free to love whoever we want. How realistic could this be, for a young person with a lack of life experience, or an adult with incurable injuries??
We all have internal emotional standards, which determine how our partners should be, as well as which emotions would be required to provoke us to fall in love with them. Most of us imagine naively, relationships based on love and affection, as we are “taught” in romantic movies. However, the reality is much weirder and darker than romantic movies.
An invisible force is pushing us to make similar choices, again and again. And the hope that things will be different this time, is dashed once again. It is not uncommon to end up rejecting all types of characters that are suitable for us, characterizing them “boring”, and running straight forward to others, whose characteristics may not contribute to our happiness.
We fall in love because of a sense of imperfection and a desire to feel complete. People seek love, to regain their inner balance and serenity…
Don’t tell me that you have never fallen in love with people who are less smart and responsible than you are, with characters you knew from the beginning that the chances of being trusted are small, people egocentric, sarcastic, and abusive.
When falling in love, we do not seek what is best for us, but what makes us feel intimate, even if it goes through feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.
Most of us have learned about love and relationships during our childhood, raised by people who have also gone through their problems, and might have passed their problems to us while continuing to be the “normal model of love” for us. Our early caregivers, have shown us the templates for what the feelings of love are like, what it is like to love and be loved.
Someone who has learned to depend on others will choose a person who enjoys being in control of everything. Someone who is used to seeing himself as a victim will be in search of his tormentor. In some cases, the experiences of such love may contain destructive emotions: intense anger with outbursts, emotional distance, and confusion, alienation, indifference, rejection. In these cases, our romantic future is predicted ominously.
The emotional bond with our first caregivers is crucial to the course of our future relationships. This does not mean that we will never be able to make a mature choice, as adults. Everything can be achieved, with conscious work and recognition, choosing differently from what we have already learned.
Why do we repeat mistakes that have hurt us in the past?
The answer is simple…it is difficult for us to separate our emotions! Love affairs can bring difficult feelings as well as nice moments. Abuse, admiration, attachment, intimacy, or even tenderness, can be mixed in a relationship without boundaries. Oh yes, these relationships often called “extremely passionate” are unhealthy, as logic has taken a walk, while the chaos of possessiveness and manipulation prevails.
Familiar situations, no matter if they are abusive, make assured “safe”, while the unknown ones seem to be frightening. Maybe the relationship with your mother had been destructive; “who else will love you more than mommy”! Or, the relationship with your dad was abusive; “no one is going to give you a job or love you”.
However, there is, also, another parameter that needs to be illuminated. What we have suffered as weak children, we might unwittingly want to rerepeating future relationships. It is like a part of us believing that the only way not to be exploited, is to be the first ones to take advantage of them. Sick behavior, and yet so common.
We tend to repeat our past, to understand it, to gain something, and finally overcome our traumatic experiences. If we dance the same dance many times, we can finally dance it nicely. But, this can only become true if we have the wisdom to observe exactly the steps we have walked, and see what we can fix.
How can we escape from these non-functional patterns of love?
To begin with, we should realize that something is going wrong. Then, instead of arguing with ourselves over and over again, we can make a positive note: “this time, it only took me three or five months to see what I was doing when it came to choosing a partner”. If you see it as a teaching experience, you can overcome it, and move on.
Our inner emotional codes are hard to reveal. It takes effort and research to break free from their demands. Counseling sessions and psychotherapy, with any approach that suits us, can help a lot.
Investigation begins when we try to understand and decode ourselves, through self-knowledge paths! Here are some questions for ourselves.
- What have I suffered from my partners?
- Do I notice myself having recurring issues with partners, that appeal to me?
- Do I cause problems to people, in the same way, I had suffered, when I was a child?
- Do I expel from my life people, who have characteristics that I have associated with those who have caused me difficulties, during my childhood?
Emotional health means expanding the number of people we feel free to fall in love with. Let us live a remedial emotional experience!
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