Why Do We Dumb Ourselves Down For A Partner

And how to stop this unhealthy practice.

It happened the other day. The internet was down at home and my husband and I were figuring out what went wrong all of a sudden. Crouching down at the wifi router, we realized it was plugged out. “How did this happen”, he exclaimed. As if an automated response was triggered out of me. “It must have been me. I would have plugged it out and forgotten about it. How dumb!” He gave a non-committal shrug, plugged the router in and voila! the wifi was back.

Then my husband looked at me intently and said, “I recall it was me who unplugged it when I was juggling with the wires. What’s with this needless lie?”

I knew it wasn't me who unplugged the wire. Why then, did I say what I did. What’s this inbuilt system of taking the blame for all things wrong, and more importantly, appearing dumb.

I am a lawyer by profession so being full of myself comes with the job! There is no dearth of self-confidence and I have incredible respect for myself for becoming the person I have. Having said that, there are moments, such as the one above, where I pretend to be something I am not. Is it just me?

How many times have we pretended to be dumb to make our partner feel good about themself? To not seem intimidating or insufferable know-it-all. Remember Hermoine Granger? She wasn’t particularly liked by her fellow classmates. It wasn’t because she was the smartest of them all, it was because she didn’t hesitate to show that she was the smartest.

I have never taken this route of pretending to be dumb as a professional. No matter how tough or unbending the scenario, I stand my ground. But the same unfettering stance becomes dicey when it comes to being home with husband.

It may have to do that I have this amazing human being as my husband who is almost as close to perfection as possible. Ya, I may be gloating but it’s something I truly believe in. The earnest desire to always be up-to-mark and not disappoint him in any way is real.

Diving deep into this, I found that there is a name to this syndrome. Silly Me Syndrome. It is a common female affliction where a woman chooses to play dumb just so she doesn’t offend the man of her life.

This immediately reminds me of a quote I read by Margaret Atwood:

All you have to do, I tell myself, is to keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn’t be that hard.- Handmaid’s Tale

This is heartbreakingly sad. But it only makes sense when you are with men who detest intelligent women. That’s not the case with me. I am married to a man who isn’t intimidated with my intelligence or confidence. I still persist with this logic of playing dumb to make him feel good. Why?

Because I haven't yet come to accept that I Am Worthy.

I Am Worthy

Embracing my most raw unapologetic self doesn't come naturally to me. They never tell you as a kid that the real monsters to hide from are the projected fears, self-doubt, and insecurity. That your real self will not be accepted or loved.

The older I get, the more I realize that these things can’t be taught. You can only learn to love yourself. It is so important to keep reminding yourself that how self-reliant and self-dependant you truly are. Self-assurance is key. Even when you have an amazing partner, like me, who does not judge or belive the version of me I portray to him, it is important to be self-assured.

Outgrowing my own bullshit is one of my goals going forward now. Lying to myself and pretend-doing is so passe. It took me a while to realize, but I am finally beginning to accept that being just me isn’t so bad.

Don’t go in the drain of believing that you have to step down to raise someone up. It takes patience and concentrated effort to practice the art of self-love. No matter how supportive or amazing the people around you are, it would come down to zilch if you don’t believe in yourself.

Feed your mind as often as you feed your stomach! It works.