Why Do We Blame The ‘Other Woman’ When a Man Cheats?
For the past week, I’ve been watching a lot of old Nollywood movies with the most recent one being “Beatrice My Father’s Evil Concubine”. It was focused on a man called “Okoro” who was having an affair with another woman called “Beatrice”.
His wife found out about the affair, confronted Beatrice, and even slapped her. When Okoro learned about the incident, he chased the wife out of the house and brought in Beatrice as his new wife. Everything was going great for them until Okoro’s children decided that they would make Beatrice’s life miserable.
The children engaged in pranks which harmed and disgraced her to the extent that she packed her stuff and left the house for them. Okoro regretting his actions goes back to his wife, begging for forgiveness, and blames Beatrice for his actions. They got back together as if nothing had happened.
Growing up, I’ve always heard the saying “if you like break your back for a man but if he wants to cheat he will”. As someone who was once unknowingly the other woman, I’ve always wondered why we are usually blamed for a man’s infidelity (I mean I’m not the one who’s cheating on my partner). Men being unfaithful has become a normal situation in relationships. Perhaps almost every woman you know has at least one story of being hit on by men in committed relationships and even married ones too. This then begs the question “if committed men can peacefully be unfaithful, why do we blame the third party or the other woman?”
1. Love- I was privileged to ask women why they would blame the third party and most of them cited love as the reason.
When you love someone it’s easier to transfer the blame to a third party. It’s a form of denial
In most cases when you’re in love with someone it’s generally hard to believe that they were the one who hurt you. For example, one of my friends who was cheated on expressed that it was easier to believe that her man was seduced instead of him deliberately hurting her. When someone is your whole world, it’s hard to believe that they are the ones responsible for your heartache. It’s easier to tell yourself that the person that you’ve chosen to be your partner was a victim of circumstance instead of them being the perpetrators of the act (i.e. cheating).
2. Protecting your territory - when you are committed to someone, it’s basically you against the world (at least that’s what Hollywood wants you to believe). Therefore when anyone tries to come between the two of you it is almost instinctive that you protect your territory (the relationship) against intruders (the other woman) even when your partner is the one who compromised the relationship. Humans are generally possessive of their partners and would do anything to protect what’s theirs against anyone and anything.
3. Patriarchy- in typical patriarchal society, men are usually praised for their sexual conquests while women are shunned for even muttering the word “Sex”. Several movies have been based on the idea of a playboy who sleeps with multiple women. Such a character is painted as a mysterious playboy that everyone needs to be with or wants to be friends with. While there are also a plethora of movies that depict the situation of a man who cheats on their partner with another woman. The other woman is usually painted as the antagonist or the home-wrecker that ruined the perfect relationship.
When a man is unfaithful, he is usually absolved of any blame once he utters the words “I fell into temptation” or my favorite line “she seduced me”. Hardly do we ever look through the lens of the man being the one to actively engage in infidelity because it’s always easier to demean the character of a woman. It is easier to believe that once a man steps out to cheat, it’s either his partner frustrated him or he was tempted. In a typical patriarchal setting, men are considered helpless to their sexual urges therefore they are never blamed for their mistakes; instead, the effort is usually put into appeasing the woman that has been cheated on and blaming the person the other woman.
Why Do Women Stay Once They’ve Been Cheated On?
Whenever the issue of infidelity comes up, women are usually told to forgive and move on from the incident no matter how much hurt they're in. Women are usually expected to stay in relationships once they’ve been cheated on and when they leave, they face backlash. One of the women I interviewed expressed that she has been told severally to change her position on infidelity and should at least stay because “all men would cheat”. This reminds me of a movie I watched where a wife would usually pack condoms in her husband’s suitcase because she knew that he was unfaithful.
Walking out of relationships is hard and when kids are involved, it’s ten times worse. In a traditional African society, women are taught to endure the ups and downs of relationships including cheating because once they leave they are considered a failure. It’s easier to stay and deal with infidelity than to leave everything behind because things are generally against you. Also, if you believe that your partner was tempted then it’s easier to stay because it wasn’t their fault that they cheated.
Changing Perceptions
Even though it’s still widely believed that when a man cheats, it’s the woman's fault, more people have realized that the man in a committed relationship needs to be held accountable.
“It’s his fault. I’m committed to him not the other woman and the only time I’ll blame the woman is if she’s one of those women that like following married men. Even at that the man is still the one that accepted the relationship anyway”
In the end, it’s not the third party that’s in a committed relationship; it’s the man. Even though there are situations where men are actually tempted to be unfaithful, it is up to them to resist the temptation even when it’s hard because that’s what it means to be in a committed relationship.
If you’ve learned anything from this post, you’re welcome and if I’ve successfully wasted your time, I’m just doing the Lord’s work *wink*.