Why Do So Many Men Lose Touch with Their Kids?

Yet another way that patriarchy harms men

In the past month, I’ve learned that in three different families I know, the father is no longer in touch with his children or is in very minimal contact, and offering no real financial support. In all three cases, the man has married again, and either completely abandoned his children from his first marriage, or he is in only sporadic touch. I assumed that this must be quite rare, but it turns out that unfortunately, it isn’t.

“In industrialized nations like the United States, close to half of all children whose parents divorce lose contact with their fathers shortly afterward. Within ten years, the proportion rises to two-thirds. For many reasons, not all of which have to do with male priorities, only 52 percent of divorced mothers receive full child support; for children born out of wedlock, the proportion receiving support falls to 32 percent.” Hrdy, Sarah Blaffer. Mothers and Others (p. 150).

The patriarchal narrative is that men are deeply invested in their genetic offspring, and because they care so deeply about providing well for their children, they do not want to give support to a child who might not be theirs. The narrative goes something like this: “A woman having sex with another man is always a threat to the man’s genetic interests, because it might fool him into working for a competitor’s genes.” But this is really just patriarchal propaganda.

Besides the fact that there are numerous examples of how both currently and in our pre-patriarchal past men actively and willing care for and feed children they didn’t sire, statistics tend to indicate that a significant number of men today are not all that invested in the wellbeing of their genetic offspring. It’s possible that some of them want to but for some reason are unable to fulfill that role, but this narrative about the importance of paternal investment seems to not quite live up to the hype.

When it comes to divorce, something that happens in about 50% of US marriages, women still tend to get primary custody of children most of the time. Although most states no longer automatically assume that women are the best choice, many courts do look at who has been the children’s primary caregiver so far. “Which parent has been responsible for meeting most of the child’s daily needs, such as feeding, bathing, playing, waking and putting to bed, making doctor appointments, arranging for child care, and so on.”

Not always, but very often, this has been the mother. Patriarchal mores say that say men “provide” and women “nurture” even if they also work outside the home. This means that men aren’t necessarily sharing equally in these tasks, even when they would perhaps like to. Some dads want to be really hands-on with their kids but struggle with that for a variety of reasons, but some dads just bail.

Georgia Senate candidate, and former Heisman Trophy winner, Herschel Walker recently admitted that he has a son that he does not see, although he does support him financially (after the mother of his child sued him to obtain support.) Walker has been a vocal critic of absentee fathers and Black absentee fathers, in particular as a part of his campaign. Edit: Walker has now acknowledged two more children.

By patriarchal standards, a man is supposed to be the “leader” of his family, but as a leader, he is also free to put himself above the needs of his children. Traditionally, patriarchal cultures are more concerned about the rights and privileges of patriarchs, which includes the acquisition of heirs. They are less concerned about the well-being of individual children (or their mothers). We see this being played out now on the national stage as many conservative legislatures seek to force women into carrying out unwanted pregnancies while at the same time reducing assistance for women and children.

The good news is, that views around fatherhood are changing, and many men, particularly younger men, are already well on board. As more caring and egalitarian family structures become the larger norm, and hierarchal family configurations become less prevalent, there is more room for dads to be fully engaged with their children.

Kevin Shafer, BYU sociology professor and a co-author of a study on this says, “Most dads see themselves as playing an equally important role in helping their children as mothers do. At the same time, however, there is a group of dads who believe they are to be breadwinners, disciplinarians and nothing more.”

The ex-wife in the one family we know with an absentee dad reports that her kids' father calls three or four times a year, but when he does, he talks about himself and what he’s doing, never asking his boys about their lives. He provides no financial support, even though he has a stable job and a new wife and daughter. His kids from his first marriage don’t even get birthday gifts or Christmas presents. He seems to think they exist for him in some way, rather than the other way around.

In the other two families I know, the man has no contact whatsoever with the children from his first marriage. It’s like once he left the family, that relationship ceased to exist. Of course, I don’t know the details as to exactly why that is the case, and it may be slightly different for each one, but “traditional” fathering narratives probably played a part.

Lee Essig, another co-author of the study mentioned above says, “As current social trends are pushing for men’s increased familial involvement, we see more fathers stepping up to engage more actively in their children’s lives in various ways. As we teach boys and men to be more emotionally aware and cultivate emotional well-being, these men and boys will be able to become better fathers for their children, as they will be able to provide for them not only through financial contributions, but by being emotionally and mentally present for their children and their wellbeing.”

Unlike the cultural narrative, patriarchy doesn’t actually value children, particularly if there are other heirs available, but even sometimes if there aren’t. Patriarchy is a dominance-based hierarchy that fosters a Might Makes Right mentality in all contexts, especially in the context of the family. It tells men that their interests and needs are primary and that women and children should serve those — and when they don’t, there is no need to bother with them any longer.

This hurts children, but it also hurts men.

The Aka, foragers who live in Central Africa, are some of the most hands-on dads in the world. “Fathers are within arm’s reach of their one-to four-month-old babies more than 50 percent of any 24-hour period and are nuzzling, kissing, hugging, or mostly just holding them a whopping 22 percent of the time they spend in camp. Even when Aka parents go on hunting expeditions in the woods, they take quite young infants and their other children along, being careful to remain in constant contact.”

“Almost invariably, fathers in hunter-gatherer societies spend more time with infants than fathers in most Western societies do, and much more time than fathers in farming societies. Indeed, in many farming societies fathers never hold their infants at all.” Hrdy, Sarah Blaffer. Mothers and Others (p. 128).

Most fathers in the US are in direct contact with their babies for under an hour per day although they often try to pack that hour full of excitement and entertainment to compensate. Babies do bond with their fathers, even if the time spent together each day is comparatively brief. Clearly, some fathers would prefer to spend more time with their children, particularly their very young children, but corporate America still operates as if it is the 1950s. It’s still widely assumed that if a couple has children, the woman will have primary responsibility for their care.

This inhibits women’s careers — the pay gap is primarily a motherhood penalty — with US mothers who work full time paid an average of $.69 for every $1 a father makes. “Many gender equality advocates believe public policies like paid parental leave and public child care could help relieve some of the negative impact that motherhood has on women’s earnings, but new research finds that women’s earnings are still negatively impacted by having kids in countries where these policies exist.”

In addition, this assumption contributes to keeping fathers from being in their children’s lives to the extent that they might like to be. When our son was born, my partner took four weeks of paternity leave, something that no other man in his firm had ever done before. He might not have done so if he hadn’t already been planning to leave there, because it most definitely would have hurt his career.

The “don’t you have a wife to do that” mentality was prevalent in his last job as well. However, that time together with our new baby was some of the most important and most special times that we’ve spent together as a family. I’m so glad that we had the chance to do that, and that my partner didn’t have to choose between bonding with his son and tanking his career. No man should have to make that choice.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2022