HAIKU

Why Do People Ask What Was She Wearing?

The language of rape culture blames victims.

What was she wearing?

These words sting like the feared asp.

Womanhood, that’s what!

Rape culture in this country is so widespread that a woman’s clothing is always the first suspect interrogated for the crime. It’s time to normalize women being able to express themselves in any way they choose, including wardrobe choices.

I’m wondering if it’s necessary to write a female Bill of Rights that includes freedom of dress. There’s a female tax that is constantly applied to women and it is unjustified.

Women are not responsible for men’s morality. You can argue this point all day long, but let me tell you what I know.

I was molested by a neighbor when I was four. What was I wearing? Normal clothes for a four-year-old, nothing seductive to anyone that had a moral compass. I don’t imagine that my red and white striped shirt paired with flower print shorts sent an invitation for molestation.

It makes me sad when I hear women attacking other women regarding this issue. It would be wonderful if we could stand in solidarity about this, but I know it is impossible!

Some people have been indoctrinated and they believe that women are the mules of the world! We are not only responsible for our morality, we must uphold the morality of men as well. This belief is not only asinine, it is a Sisyphean task.

I am a former teacher, and when a child confided in me that something inappropriate happened to her, I did not ask her what she was wearing!

I already know what she was wearing, being a girl.

There are steps we can take to address rape culture. My question is will we have the courage to take those steps? We have tolerated the disgusting dogma of victim-blaming for far too long.

It took me 46 years to acknowledge what happened to me. Another five years passed before I could process that I was not at fault for the molestation. This is the part that people don’t get at all. People who are victims of molestation often carry huge amounts of shame.

We live in a society that tells victims that they are responsible for what happened to them just because they were born female and what they wear.

I did not lose the gender lottery by being born a girl. Extricating myself from guilt and shame allowed me to start sharing the creativity that was buried inside me.

Letting go of the belief that I had nothing positive to contribute to this world was difficult. The repeating subconscious negative narrative in my head was that I was damaged goods.

There is a message to share today with anyone who may have experienced being violated. It didn’t matter what you were wearing. What matters is that you are here and you survived something no one should ever have to deal with.

If you differ from my perspective I am going to ask that you send me a private message. This subject is triggering for many women and I do not want comments to further injure someone that may already be struggling.

Thank you for your time and your cooperation with my request. Thank you, Allison Gaines, for providing the inspiration for this piece.