Why Do Narcissists Ruin Holidays?
These 5 reasons and two compounding factors are the answer
On a few birthdays, I checked into a hotel to avoid tears or arguing. In an attempt to remove me from the situation so my husband couldn’t ruin it. A narcissist reigns supreme on days like this.
I couldn’t do that on holidays because they’re about my children.
But without fail my husband would make the day about him not them. He was an expert in taking the attention away from where it should be and redirecting it at himself.
It could be refusing to give me money to purchase our kids' gifts. Saying he was sick and not participating. Refusing to put lights up in the yard even when the boys begged him. Leaving my aging uncle alone in an assisted living home on Christmas Eve. Disappointing my boys by putting no presents under the tree for me.
You name it, over the years it happened.
Or I would be forced to barter. He refused to chip in on three years of larger Christmas gifts for his parents. He finally relented and gave his sister the money because I said I would do without. And he carried through, I received nothing. Or when I said what I wanted most was for him to pick my uncle up so he could spend the night with us. Again, I told him if he did, he wouldn’t have to buy me presents.
He refused to pick up my uncle and also didn’t buy me one thing.
Sometimes I’ll have a memory I’ve long forgotten. Probably because he did sabotage too many holidays to remember.
We often ask ourselves why does a narcissist do this?
What makes the narcissist escalate even further on special events? The answer simply lies in the disorder. But what compounds the holidays is the introduction of variables.
There are commitments the narcissist may not want to attend. Expenses they may be unwilling to pay. Family members and friends they may want to avoid. Traditions they may disagree with.
The narcissist lives in their own world and it’s being rummaged through by others. This provokes their already self-important, self-indulgent, selfish disposition.
And further exaggerating the holidays?
It’s a busy season and one spouse can’t typically do it all. Which means they need assistance. And the narcissist doesn’t want to do anything they don’t want to do.
A narcissist resents being asked to step outside of their own world.
Hence, the escalation of already present and formidable traits. A narcissist can’t help themselves. They attempt to bring those closest to them, back to their narcissistic reality.
Control
A narcissist lives by reminding those who love them they are in control.
If they are a covert narcissist they may manipulate and passive-aggressively ruin the day. They may forget to buy a present, pick up the necessary addition to the meal, or attend a school party or event. Or say they don’t have enough money for their children's gifts even when they do.
If they are an overt narcissist they will be more obvious and arrogant about ruining the season.
It’s the narcissist’s world and whenever some tries to tell them it’s not, they will remind them.
Self-Importance
The narcissist knows best, if you don’t believe them ask them.
If you think holidays are a time to spoil your children they will make sure you understand they’re not. If your family celebrated on Christmas Eve they will be certain it will now be Christmas Day. If you want a live tree they will replace it with a fake one.
Whatever is most important to you about a holiday will be erased. In favor of the narcissist showing you what matters.
The narcissist will let you know you are foolish, silly, overspending, underspending, whatever it is that goes against their self-important mandates. They’ll arrogantly open every gift you got them and get you nothing because they deserve this attention. A narcissist is entitled and they will make sure any and all attention is directed towards them.
Manipulation
A narcissist will always get there way.
A narcissist retains control either overtly or passive-aggressively. Either way, manipulation is a favored form of doing so. It’s one of the reasons holidays are so exasperating and upsetting.
It doesn’t matter how much you try and plan ahead, cook, clean, shop, and wrap. It doesn’t matter how much unpleasantness you attempt to avoid, it will find you.
You can’t avoid it because a narcissist is a master manipulator. They understand how to maintain control and achieve their desired outcome.
A narcissist will never do anything they do not want to do.
Praise
The narcissist will look for praise even when they’ve blown up a holiday.
You could run around taking care of everything. You could make the part-time money to pay for the kids' gifts. They will sit back and take the thanks and the glory. Because in the mind of someone with Narcissistic personality disorder all of this has ultimately happened because of them.
They are the one who houses you, they pay for the food, etc. Of course, you’re expected to cook and clean and do everything else. They’ve already done the heavy lifting in their warped mind.
A narcissist will ruin a holiday and still smugly believe they haven’t because they’re arrogant.
Empathy Lacking
A narcissist lacks empathy and selfishly serves one person, themselves.
A narcissist doesn’t absorb the emotions of another. They only feel their own joy and pain. It makes them supremely selfish. They don’t care if their spouse, children, parents, or siblings enjoy the holiday.
A narcissist doesn’t derive joy from making another individual happy.
They play a role. They integrate during the holiday as they do in life, it’s not real. It’s the non-reality-based world of the narcissist. It’s not actual reality. They don’t view the world through the lens of a normal person.
A narcissist is callously and cruelly oblivious to other human beings.
The Holiday Result
You add these signature aspects of Narcissistic personality disorder with the variables and demands of the season and you have…
The narcissistic holiday trifecta.
A painful experience for everyone but the narcissist.
