Why Do Men Prefer Women With Fewer Sexual Partners?
Let’s unpack the double standard.
Let’s start with a definition.
Body count (n): the overall number of people you’ve had sex with.
The greater the number of people, the higher your body count.
The Double Standard
Men and women have different expectations for their partners’ sexual histories. While men generally prefer their girlfriends, wives, etc. to have had fewer previous partners, women generally expect men to have had a greater number of partners. (There are exceptions to this, of course.)
While women with subjectively “higher” body counts are frequently looked down upon or shamed for their choices, men with “higher” body counts are given a free pass (or even praised for this behavior).
While this double-standard has been changing with the modern social climate, there is some biological backing for it.
Women are biologically programmed to be more selective with their sexual partners. Since we can only be impregnated by one man at a time, there is a sense of wanting to select the best possible mate. Thus, being more selective as a woman is biologically advantageous.
A man, on the other hand, can sow his wild oats with many different women within a relatively short timespan, so biologically, he doesn’t have to be as selective.
In addition, it is biologically disadvantageous for a man to raise another man’s offspring instead of his own. So men were hard-wired to want to be the only one who was sleeping with a particular woman — because this was the only way to guarantee that her offspring was also his. (This inclination was hard-wired in men before paternity tests, mind you.)
These biological inclinations tell us two things:
- Women should be more selective than men in choosing their partners.
- Men should find selective women more desirable as mates.
Side note: I’m not placing a value judgment on these concepts, I am just highlighting that they exists as biological inclinations.
Today this belief that a woman should have a low body count (and that a man can have a high one) is still fairly widespread.
When I was in high school, a boy in my grade made an analogy that I’ll never forget:
“A key that can open any lock is a master key…but a lock that can be opened by any key is a useless lock.”
While I don’t think we should be comparing people to objects, nor should we be calling promiscuous men “master” and promiscuous women “useless,” this concept summarizes the crux of the issue.
The majority of us can agree that this isn’t fair.
So the question becomes, what can we do about it?
This is a complicated issue that will not be resolved overnight.
But there are things we should consider when it comes to eliminating harmful stereotypes and expectations about our sexuality.
1. Ladies — don’t become part of the problem.
Some men act like pigs. I don’t deny that.
But did you ever consider that the solution to men acting like pigs might not be to act like pigs ourselves?
Modern feminism argues that because some men can sleep around and be praised for it, women should be able to sleep around and be praised for it, too.
Rather than lowering our standards to match the standards of such men, what would happen if we decided to collectively raise them?
Just a thought.
2. Gentlemen — don’t be a hypocrite.
If you would prefer your future wife or future girlfriend to have been with as few men as possible before you, give her the same respect.
(A woman who guards her body and is selective about whom she shares it with does not want a man with a high body count, either.)
It’s also not fair for you to sleep with the future girlfriends and wives of other men, but then turn around and expect your future partner to be untouched.
If you would prefer a woman with fewer partners, don’t make this harder to find for everyone else.
3. Don’t be with someone who makes you feel guilty or ashamed of your past.
If your partner makes you feel judged or misunderstood because of your sexual history (or lack thereof), you are likely with the wrong partner.
You should not stay with someone who actively shames you or belittles you because of your past. This is not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
You deserve a partner who accepts your past and encourages your future.
If your partner cannot do this, it might be best to walk away.
4. If a person’s sexual history bothers you THAT much, let them go.
This is the 21st century — you don’t get to give people a scarlet letter.
No matter what a person’s past looks like, everyone is deserving of love and respect. Everyone deserves someone who accepts them for who they are, not who they were.
If you’re deeply bothered by your partner’s “number,” don’t stick around just to make them feel guilty.
On the flip side, you don’t get to shame someone for having a low body count either (including still being a virgin, at any age).
If it so deeply bothers you that your partner isn’t as experienced as you are, find a new partner.
Virginity shaming is equally as bad as slut-shaming.
Let’s not do any of it.
5. Everybody has a choice in the matter.
Ladies, it’s your choice who you want to sleep with. It’s your body and you are free to do with it what you please.
But, remember, a man has a choice of who he wants to sleep with, too. So if he doesn’t want you (because of your body count or otherwise), that’s his choice.
Your body, your choice.
His body, his choice.
That’s equality. And you don’t get to be mad about it.
Final thoughts
When it comes to breaking the double standard, it really comes down to finding a partner who values sex in the same way that you do.
Some men value exclusivity in a woman, and some men do not. Some women value exclusivity in a man, and some women do not.
Find someone who shares your beliefs and values about sex and within your relationship, this double standard will cease to exist.
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