Why do I wander?
I take the same street everyday to and from work, walking past the centuries old Chicago Theater and the well lit coffee shops, sailing through the sea of people heading to some place important. The early morning walk in this fall rain is pleasant with a chill in the air while the same coffee aroma soothing and nauseating me at the same time. While I walk through the crowd minding the traffic lights and the people around me, lost in my thought of my daily schedule, work and personal, the questions somehow sound the same, the answers vary depending on which side of the bed I woke up from,that morning.
I work at a mid level HealthCare firm maintaining their Revenue Cycle management systems, programming and debugging my way through each new and existing functionalities week in week out. Fair assessment being, it is not the most exciting of the jobs but it is something I have learnt to appreciate and put more thoughts in it as years have rolled on. There is little to complain, lot to appreciate and often exciting and fun colleagues to share the office hours and space with. Yet every time I am at the traffic lights waiting for the blinking hand to turn into a walking man, my mind wanders to all the alternatives I could have for all the things I am fortunate to have in my life. As the quote goes —
“Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
― Mark Twain
I invariable ask myself this, if I appreciate what I have and knowing the basic human tendency to always want more, is Mark Twain right? Do I need to find a job I enjoy more so I don’t feel like I am working my days off? Is this the reason that every year I look forward to my vacation days more than my work days? My head says I am making too big a deal out of it while my heart says there must be some truth to it. As I stand at yet another traffic light with stop sign, I wonder to myself,
Why Do I Wander?
As I kept walking with questions in my hand, my mind wondered whether it was obvious to passers by that I was lost deep in thought, they must be thinking to themselves, another semi-depressed millennial who is probably thinking why his air pods don’t have noise cancellation or why the iPhone still looks the same since 2015. I do think of these things but not as much as say where my next vacation is going to be? Is it going to be by the beach or by the mountains? Whether the girl I am meeting tonight through the dating site I signed up for, will notice that I am not really into her but just being nice for the company, just for the evening. Whether I have something more to do with my life than to work 9 to 5 until my retirement day?
It didn’t bother me one bit about what they thought or the questions that were making me twitch a bit while walking, but one thought that bothered me was, will I feel anything new again in my life? I am not unhappy or bored with my life but I am not experiencing anything new or any new feeling that I haven’t felt before. Is this what middle aged folks feel and they term it as mid life crisis?
The thought made me stop in my path, which made few people walking their own way around me uncomfortable enough to give me a glance. So here’s the thing about people of Chicago, they have their own lives to worry about, but they never let go of an opportunity to smile at you or say hi, some of the best people I have come across during my life. They might have lot of issues but a bears win or a ray of sunshine on a cold Chicago morning is enough to give everyone a reason to celebrate. May be that is what Mark Twain meant with that quote, find something that excites you everyday to a point where you feel like you are making a new choice everyday, hoping to find something new.
As I continued my walk, everyday I walk pass a bench where an old homeless guy sits everyday enjoying his coffee and a small piece of breakfast sandwich outside McDonalds. He murmurs something, so unclear , yet I always imagine that he asks for a change or wishing me to have a good day.
The uneasy feeling I had , somehow gave way to a more positive curious sense of enlightenment. A voice in my head, with source unknown, kept telling me, as you have no idea what the old man says, yet you never assume it as anything other than a ‘Good Day’, may be you don’t have to be afraid of and pessimistic towards the lingering thoughts about your present and future. May be it is just an old man muttering some words to you, telling you to have a good day. May be on the other side of the blinking stop sign, you might feel something different that you have never felt before. May be there’s just another good day to look forward to , coz these routine uneventful days make the adventurous days what they are, exciting and eventful.
As I reach the entrance of my workplace, fumbling through my backpack for a ID card to swipe in through the electronic door, glancing at the watch, realizing the walk took more time than usual. It seems I was so lost in my thoughts, I did not realize that I kept walking on the right path and eventually reached where I wanted to reach at that moment of time. It made me wonder, no matter how lost in thoughts I am, If I am lost enough, the streets will guide me and my thoughts in right direction, making sure that I feel something deeper than unloved, affectionless touching of skins.
The more I am lost in the streets with bright lights, the more I find the familiar feeling among the unknown thoughts, people and things.
May be, that’s why I wander!!!
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