Why Do I Feel so Lonely Even in A Crowd

“It’s easy to stand in the crowd but it takes courage to stand alone” — Mahatma Gandhi

This weekend I was with a group of friends in Germany. I was excited all week that I would meet them after a long time and I was so looking forward to the weekend.

While on my way to my friend’s house, I thought longingly about when I lived in the same city and how nice it would be to come back and live here again. I live in the neighboring country the Netherlands now, but my friends still live in this city. I am around 200 kilometers away from them, which isn’t much, but when the lockdown started, we couldn't meet because of border regulations.

I was so nostalgic on my way that I even made plans to settle in this city after retirement so that I could be closer to my old friends.

But I changed my mind already when I came back home yesterday.

I wasn’t happier anymore, my mind tired, empty, and hurt and I felt utterly lonely. I felt a deep void inside me.

Why does this happen to me all the time? I was in a crowd, surrounded by people whom I know and longed to meet for a long time, but still felt like an ocean apart. What’s the reason?

Because even after being friends with them for so many years, I realized they know so little about me.

I am an empath and highly sensitive but not many people realize this. Instead, they think I am timid. I think about their emotions and feelings before I say or do something lest I hurt their feelings but they misinterpret it as a lack of courage.

They misinterpret my honesty as loose-lipped.

There are people I know who take out of turn leaves from their children’s school to go on vacations and in the process, kill their already dead grandma or grandpa for the umpteenth time. They have married their already married brothers or sisters and forged the dates on marriage invitation cards, but not only that — they have, in the process, taught their children to lie about these.

If I have to take an out-of-turn leave, I would rather tell the real reason and suffer the consequences or not take the leave, but there is no way I will teach my children to tell a lie. I find that absolutely hypocritical to then punish them when they learn how to lie from us and become good at lying.

I don’t call this loose-lipped, I call this the courage to speak the truth because let’s face it there aren’t many people in this world who have the courage to speak the truth.

I remember when I was in school, I missed a physical education exam because I was watching the Cricket World Cup. I have seen people skipping this exam time and again and they just got an ‘A’ — absent — in their report cards. I thought that would be the case with me too.

However, it turned out many other students did the same. The school called us with our parents and asked us to show a cause. To my surprise, all the parents have provided their children with a false medical certificate (it’s very easy in India to procure a false medical certificate for some money).

I, on the other hand, confessed to the school principal, in front of all the other children along with their parents and the teachers, that I was watching sports and that was the real reason I didn’t come for the test. While not coming for an exam wasn’t the right thing to do, which I understood and regretted, I thought my teachers would, at the least, appreciate my honesty.

I had just read about Mahatma Gandhi stealing coins to buy cigarettes but confessing his crime to his father. His father forgave him and admired his courage and ability to speak the truth. I expected the same from my teachers too. However, to my horror, I was the only one who was punished as a true example of a LIAR.

I have many other incidents where I didn’t leave the side of honesty, however uncomfortable or difficult the situation might have been. It would have been so easier to just lie. But I have always believed and will continue to believe that having the courage to speak the truth is a great virtue.

I am a person to whom people come when they have difficulties. They pour their heart out and I give them my undivided attention. But more importantly, I ensure that their secrets are safe with me.

I am good at masking. I hide my true feelings and behave the way people would want me to behave.

Even as a child I would keep my emotions and thoughts to myself, rarely expressing my true feelings. I remember, when I was just three and in my kindergarten when one day the skin of my right palm got accidentally stuck in between my steel lunch box and its lid. It hurt me so badly.

As much as I tried, I still couldn’t take it out. Our lunchtime was over, the class had re-started (yes we had to study at age 3) and I couldn’t (didn’t want to) disturb others, even though the pain was unbearable. I sat with my skin stuck between the lid and the box, crying secretly.

My teacher asked me a question, to which I just mumbled I believe because I was so much in pain. She came closer to me and saw the situation. She took the box out but she hit me on my head for disturbing the class and not dealing with the situation before.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I thought to myself — wasn’t I sitting there bearing my pain and hiding my feelings, but still not disturbing anyone? I was just three!

People who know me well (who are actually rare to find), know that I am good at hiding my true feelings, that I rarely share my emotions and thoughts, and never share my challenges. Even my mother admits that as a child, I was very private and reserved and was adept at hiding my emotions.

I wonder how much of it is my fault or if it’s a fault at all. As a child, I had understood that I was different and not ‘normal’. But do I have to be ‘normal’? Why can’t I just be myself?

I am an introvert, so being surrounded by a big group of people for anything more than a few hours can wear me off easily. I feel drained and I long to go back home already and just watch Netflix or perhaps read a book. They don’t get this.

I am neurodivergent (that no one knows) — which means I am not good at small talk. I have always preferred deep meaningful discussions. But to try to act ‘normal’ and to feel included, I have tried to take part in gossip, only to feel depressed and negative.

If I want to discuss meaningful topics and bring them into conversations, I am ridiculed. They misinterpret that into thinking I am weird. So I still feel excluded, ridiculed, and mocked.

I have multiple chronic disorders (that no one knows too), which means I live with a lot of pain. I undergo several therapies, but there are days when it just becomes unbearable and I feel like ending it.

I have suffered from burnout and I couldn’t work for many years. Anxiety and depression have been my constant companion ever since I was a child. But people are not aware of the real reasons, and often misinterpret it as laziness.

I have tried to be humble all my life. I thought of bragging as something appalling and hence, hid my true talents. Most people don’t even know that I am a writer (and some of my other talents). In this world where beating your own drums is the norm, it is no doubt that no one knows me well enough. As it turns out, humility is not a great virtue anyway(to most people at least).

They know so little about me, even though they are my friends, and then they have biases and judgments and form opinions about me, based on their perceptions of me.

But that’s their perception of me, not the real me and I refuse to define myself according to their perceptions.

No, I can’t fit in and I won’t fit in because I will not be them, not in this lifetime. Being them or being a part of them would mean I would have to lose my honesty, humility, and courage. I would have to lose my identity. Is that worth it? My answer is no.

I still don’t know where I will settle down when I retire, but I foresee a life of loneliness for sure. I will be lonely in a crowd. Because I am different and I will always be different.

Do you also feel lonely even though you are in a sea of people? Do you find yourself to be different and not fitting in? I would like to hear from you and want you to know that you are not alone. I am right there with you.

I am grateful for Yana Bostongirl’s article on the “Know Thyself” column in the coffee times publication.

I am also grateful to have found these two other articles. Actually, all of them in the column are great and I intend to read all of them, but due to lack of space and time, I am sharing the links to only these two articles that have impacted me deeply.

This article by Donnette Anglin talks about knowing yourself and learning to accept yourself, which is what I am trying to do now.

This other article by Victoria Gregg where the writer writes about experiencing challenges in life and why we can be grateful for those.