Why Divorce Is so Hard for Stay-at-Home Moms

One thing every stay-at-home mom needs to consider

When we make the choice to stay home and raise our children we think we are giving up an income. At this point, the world is somewhat black and white. Two things are driving our decision, money, and emotion.

And of course, the immediate future.

How do we make the transition from two to a family?

There’s little long-term planning.

Few what-ifs, hypotheticals, or solid agreements.

There’s too much joy and not enough energy to do anything but live in the moment. Let alone believe anything ominous could present itself in our relationship's future.

We don’t believe the love of our lives and best friend may one day become our greatest adversary — let alone nemesis. That this same person who used to whisper ‘I love you’ may now scream unimaginable things, and worse, that we will counter exquisitely.

I’ve written about the financial devastation and inequities of the divorcing stay-at-home mother. They are undeniable. And they can make the path of rebuilding and healing frightening, stressful, and nearly impossible.

But there’s an even scarier monster taunting us in the shadows.

Reminding us we didn’t build a life for ourselves. We built a family and without that infrastructure, we are intensely vulnerable.

Because the person with the income has the power.

Not the money.

The power.

Money is just the tool they use to exert their power.

Our world is once again black and white, it’s money and emotion.

And because our spouse has the money we are left with the emotion. The money is simply symbolic of what we have really cost ourselves.

We have mistakenly become vulnerable to another human being which leaves us feeling powerless.

Years ago I read a study of the four traits of happy people.

They were optimism, extroversion, self-esteem, and a sense of being in control. The brutality of my divorce made it worse than my marital suffering. He was an abusive puppeteer staging a show that made my world unpredictable, frightening, and at times hopeless. Everything and anything felt out of my control.

I was completely and devastatingly unhappy.

All four of those traits temporarily wiped from my life.

As they return, I can’t help but admit something I have long denied.

When people would tell me, “We should never have stayed home.”

I would protest.

“That’s not true,” I’d say. “There are a lot of wonderful men who would never do this to their wives and children, even if a marriage ended.”

Call it fatigue, a dedicated Pollyanna losing her cheer, or a former ray of sunshine who got stuck in the clouds. I have changed my tune. After being emotionally totaled I didn’t have much choice.

While it’s certainly true many good men would never increase a woman’s vulnerability let alone abuse it.

We don’t know this when we are making a decision to walk away from our independence. We think we do. We think we are with someone who would never do us wrong.

That’s why we married them.

But I am not the only woman shocked by a different man than she once met at the altar.

I watch those I know who went back to work sooner, or who never quit their profession. And believe me, divorce is just as brutal for them. But their recovery and healing do sometimes seem to arrive faster.

I think because they minimized their areas of vulnerability.

They are able to gain a sense of control, empowerment, and optimism from their work, income, and independence.

Less black and white, less one person exercising their power.

Reminding the rest of us we did little long-term planning. Few what-ifs, hypotheticals, or solid agreements.

We didn’t build a life for ourselves. We built a family and without that infrastructure, we became intensely vulnerable.