Why Didn’t You Say ‘No’?

You’re telling a friend — or someone you always viewed as a friend — about the last date you went on. A second date with a guy you met on some app or other.

They’re with you all the way to the end when you confess more happened than you wanted or were comfortable with. You detail the common cues you gave that you weren’t ready for what was happening — the cues your date bulldozed over so aggressively that you shut down at a certain point and stopped trying to get away. You also stopped speaking and became effectively immobile.

You recite the details looking for empathy, understanding, or maybe just to try to explain it to yourself in some way. What you’re faced with is your friend’s pickled expression followed by the ubiquitous, “Why didn’t you say ‘no’?”.

There you have it. The language to describe what happened and the greater context to understand who’s at fault.

If you didn’t want that to happen, you should have said so. Failure to lodge that particular preference makes you responsible for what followed because you failed to stop it.

That’s just how this world works.

You’re at a bar with a few friends. You’re just there to unwind from a long week and hang out with the guys. You’re lucky enough to have a partner at home who understands the value of outside relationships.

You’re on your second drink when one of the guys in your group becomes enslaved by his hormones and starts hitting on the young woman next to you at the bar. From where you’re sitting you can tell she’s not interested — she keeps looking around as if for help, but no one will hold her gaze.

She looks at you, you drop your eyes to your drink. This isn’t your business.

Your friend is undeterred. He doesn’t seem to notice her discomfort. He’s trying to get her to drink; she clearly doesn’t want to. You watch the tug of war for some time. You see the moment she concludes there is no escape. She takes the drink.

You know what’s likely in it. She doesn’t. Your friend gives you a conspiratorial look. You keep your expression neutral — this has nothing to do with you.

Later, her head is pillowed on her arm which is draped across the bar. Your friend asks if you’re cool to drive them to his place. You pretend he’s asking if you’re sober enough to operate your vehicle and say yes. He places a proprietary arm around her waist and begins to escort her home without asking a question she wouldn’t be able to decipher anyway.

Why didn’t you say “no”?

Not yet a medium member? Sign up with my referral link to get unlimited access to stories like this one. The cost is the same for you ($5 per month) and I will earn a small commission.