Why Denial is Keeping You From Happiness and Success

You can’t fix a problem if you refuse to see it

Recently, your lover has begun to work a lot of overtime. He’s also had to do more on the job traveling, particularly during weekends. What do you tell yourself?

“It must be due to his new promotion.”

You’ve been coming home from work and pouring three glasses of wine for yourself instead of one. What do you tell yourself?

“I’ll cut back when things get less stressful.”

You’ve been getting light-headed and short of breath, and it seems to be getting worse. What do you tell yourself?

“It’s just because I’m out of shape and not eating well.”

And maybe you’re right.

And maybe you’re not.

When worrisome things start occurring in our lives, the first thing we do is try to rationalize. We try to assign reasons for these occurrences. And it’s human nature to believe things are “no big deal” or to assume simple and easily remedied causes to the events in our lives.

After all, no one wants to believe “those” other possibilities — the ones that involve much more anxiety and pain.

For example, who wants to consider their spouse may be unfaithful? Who wants to ponder if they have a drinking problem or serious physical condition?

No one.

Enter humans’ most famous defense mechanism.

Denial.

So if you’ve been experiencing emotions that seem to have no discernable cause or something feels “off,” but you’re not sure what or why, there may be denial at work. And unless you gain perspective, this method of self-protection may cost you more pain than the misery that often accompanies accepting reality.

Signs That You May be in Denial

Very Well Mind relays symptoms of denial. They include:

• Avoidance of a problem by choosing to not think or talk about a situation
• Continuing to act in ways that cause negative repercussions
• Assuming that other factors, situations, or people are responsible for your problems
• Repeatedly stating you will tackle an issue at a later date

Analyzing Your Emotions to Become Aware of Truths You May Be Denying

Looking at harsh realities we’ve tried to avoid is a painful process, but it’s also the only way to finding solutions that bring positive change.

And the first step towards discovering facts you’ve subconsciously worked to deny is studying your emotions.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Mary C. Lamia states,

“What’s important is not that people recognize their denial, but that they are able to accept what they are feeling that leads to the denial in the first place.”

This means to change the negative situations in your life, some soul searching is in order. You must actively work to understand not only your emotions but also what triggers them.

So here are some steps you can take to help you figure out if there are issues you may be dodging.

Identify your feelings.

What negative emotions do you find yourself experiencing regularly? Anger? Powerlessness? Sadness? Guilt? Shame?

Make a list. For example, write down the three most common emotions you experience.

Now that you know your dominant emotional states, the next step is to identify why and when these emotions are present.

Identify when these feelings occur.

To better understand why these emotions take center stage in your life, you need to keep track of when they most commonly appear. Often, the places and people you’re around when these emotions show themselves are clues to what problems you may be trying to avoid.

For instance, you may be happy on the job but find yourself constantly angry and disagreeable at home. On the other hand, maybe your sadness begins the minute you wake up. Perhaps you always feel a sense of guilt or embarrassment when in a particular person’s presence.

Now the question to ask yourself is why these emotions occur at such predictable times.

Identify why these feelings occur.

You’ve identified your emotions and pinpointed when they frequently show themselves. Now you should ask yourself, “Why do I feel these emotions at these moments?”

If your anger increases when you come home, why does this happen? Is it that your spouse is watching television and doesn’t acknowledge your presence? Is it because your teen children have ransacked the house instead of doing their chores? Is it due to the fact you know the minute you walk into your home, your second job as cook, maid, and tutor begins — a job that only ends when everyone else’s needs and wants are satisfied?

Realizing the reasons for your emotions is a clue as to what actions to take next. For example, maybe your unhappiness at home means you have intimacy issues with your partner that need to be addressed. Perhaps you need to work on setting personal boundaries instead of being taken advantage of. It could be you need to practice more self-care and stop ignoring your own needs.

Let’s say you’ve discovered your sadness starts the minute you wake up? What is it about the act of getting ready for work that leaves you miserable? Is it the process of putting on clothes that feel tighter and tighter? Is it looking in the mirror and seeing wrinkles or other flaws that make you feel unattractive? Is it the fact that the mere thought of your job makes you sick to your stomach?

Again, let these questions guide you.

Maybe you have self-esteem issues or feelings of guilt and shame about your physical appearance. Maybe you’re going through a mid-life crisis that you refuse to address. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your level of satisfaction and confidence at your job.

What to Do When You’ve Uncovered the Truth About Your Denial

So you’ve finally seen the raw truth about something your mind and heart have been pushing away.

Your relationship is in danger. You’re suffering from burnout or depression. You’re dissatisfied with your appearance or level of success. You have an addiction. You’re scared of getting older. You have health issues. You’re codependent.

Whatever your new reality may be, what’s the next thing you need to do?

Acknowledge the truth.

Write it down. Say it aloud.

Even better?

Say it aloud to someone else.

Admitting your problems to others is helpful because it often prevents you from reverting back to your previous state of denial.

An article in Psychology Today entitled “Why Talking About Our Problems Makes Us Feel Better” cites other benefits of verbalizing our problems.

It states:

“Studies have shown that simply talking about our problems and sharing our negative emotions with someone we trust can be profoundly healing — reducing stress, strengthening our immune system, and reducing physical and emotional distress.”

So go to someone who will be compassionate but honest and objective. This may be a parent, a close friend, a lover, or even a therapist.

Prepare for physical and/or emotional challenges when implementing change.

You’ve acknowledged that there are things in your life that need fixing, so the next step is working towards resolving these problems.

Just understand that the road to change will be a difficult one.

You’ll have to confront both inner and outer obstacles. They could involve painful conversations with those you love or lifestyle changes that are uncomfortable or exhausting.

Here are some ways to help yourself make the challenging but necessary changes that will eventually lead to a happier existence.

• Focus on what you can control.

Some things you’ve been in denial over may not be actions of your doing. For example, you can’t make your partner faithful or erase things such as infidelity or betrayal. In addition, you can’t always make your body work the way you want it to.

But there are always things you can do to improve the situation. For example, if you’re worried about your relationship, you can talk to your partner and address the elephant in the room. You can tell them how you’re feeling. You can tell them the changes you’ve noticed, and you can take steps to find out the truth if you suspect deceit on their part.

After the truth reveals itself, you can also take action to repair the relationship or, if you think it’s beyond saving, you can choose to leave.

If it’s a health problem you’re facing, go see a doctor. Have them evaluate your condition. If it’s a minor problem that’s easily fixed, you can make changes to eradicate the problem. However, if it’s a more serious condition that won’t magically (if ever)go away, there are still things you can control. For instance, you can follow your doctor’s advice, experiment with different treatments, and take steps to make the condition less physically and emotionally painful.

What about if you’re the problem you’ve been hiding from?

While this reality is the most damaging to your ego, it’s also the easiest one to change.

If you’re unhappy with your body, you can decide to incorporate more physical activity into your life. You can make healthier food choices. You can avoid situations that tempt you to fall back into old patterns. You can also make changes in your internal dialogue by using things such as affirmations or visualization.

The point is there are always things you can do, so focus on that, and you’ll move closer to a state of happiness and fulfillment.

• Practice self-care.

Change is both mentally and physically exhausting, and this makes self-care essential.

Psychologist Marni Amsellum reiterates the importance of self-care, stating that “when we are regularly taking care of ourselves, we are better able to react to the things that go on in our lives.”

And self-care means different things to different people, so choose to do those things that make you feel more relaxed, confident, and positive about the changes you are making.

Maybe it’s taking a hot bath and following it up with a pedicure. Maybe it’s unwinding with a good book. Maybe it’s a shopping expedition. Maybe it’s a game of golf or television series or a hobby like gardening or art.

Whatever it is, remember that small acts of self-care will help “keep you in the zone,” giving you the emotional stamina to move forward and persist at doing the hard work that is required of life-altering changes.

• Remind yourself of times you remained strong in tough situations.

Looking back on times when you were resilient or successful increases the likelihood of effectively implementing change.

As a matter of fact, psychology proves that what we focus on from the past is what we manifest in the present.

The self-verification model is a term psychologists use to explain that “individuals seek out information that verifies their self-concept — regardless of the positivity or negativity of the self-concept.”

In other words, if we focus on our past failures, we will do things that work to validate that fact. However, if we focus on past moments of strength and success, these things will positively influence our actions and mindsets when encountering challenges.

• Remind yourself of the long-term consequences of not making change.

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche says:

“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die.”

And sometimes simply thinking about the consequences of living in denial and refusing to embrace change is the best motivator of all.

So take a trip to the future.

Imagine how it will feel living in a hollow relationship, one filled with deception, indifference, or suspicion, for the rest of your life.

Imagine how it will feel to continue to live with physical pain or perpetually worry that each new symptom is a sign of something serious.

Imagine how it will feel to keep on hating yourself each time you look in the mirror or step on the scale. Then, consider the things low self-esteem may cost you — healthy relationships, a sense of confidence, or the ability to participate in all the beautiful opportunities life has to offer.

Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross explains why people need to consider the future ramifications of not making change. She states:

“We bring a deeper commitment to our happiness when we fully understand that our time left is limited, and we really need to make it count.”

The Bottom Line:

Living in denial is denying yourself the opportunity to have the life you want. However, what’s worse is knowing the problem and then refusing to resolve it.

So face the truth. Then act. The rest of your life depends on it.