life philosophy

Why Comparing Ourselves with One Another Makes Us Miserable

Turn life into a competition and you’ll miss the whole point

Compare up and feel insufficient, mediocre, envy, or injustice. Compare down and feel content about yourself, or guilt, anger, and injustice.

Someone else will always have more. More success, talent, beauty, charm, money, power, you name it. Someone else will always have less, as well as fewer opportunities. Someone else will always suffer more (not always the ones with the fewest material possessions). For reasons we can’t seem to grasp, life does not appear fair.

Though by comparing ourselves with each other we form vertical relationships, instead of horizontal ones. This is how we separate and disconnect, to become only more miserable. (Human beings are social animals after all; we need to feel connected with one another.)

Comparisons imply judgments. But there are always factors we neglect or are unaware of. And we forget that most things in life are unquantifiable. Not to mention, our judgments tell more about us than about anybody else.

Nothing is ever as it seems. Our judgments will never portray reality correctly. Many suffer clandestinely. Many are more insecure than they show off. So why not practice more compassion instead?

Compare down

And suffering is exacerbated.

Life is complicated. It’s not easy. It doesn’t seem fair. Though, if we want to help make life better for one another, we need to be prudent about how we go about it.

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” — Unknown

If you treat someone who’s in a troublesome situation as a person below you—you risk reinforcing their sense of trouble and suffering (and even victimhood). If you feel sorry and pity them, you also separate yourself from them. Pity is contra-productive.

While it’s true that there is tremendous suffering in this world, assuming that another is suffering has the potential to make matters worse. In some cases, a sympathetic reaction to their suffering may perpetuate their level of pain.

— Tris Thorp (The Difference Between Compassion and Pity)

What if you could offer compassion instead? You’ll then encourage the opposite: the perspective of possibilities and amelioration of their suffering. You see the person as someone neither below nor above you, even if they’ve been given less fortunate circumstances in life.

You give them your full attention and you have the courage to feel with them. You don’t only see this person as a weak, poor victim; you see them as a unique person who also possesses unique gifts and potentials. You don’t identify them with their limitations.

If you act in compassion, you help the person who wants to be helped in accordance with your possibilities. You might make sacrifices, but you don’t drain yourself completely for someone who doesn’t want to do anything themselves to improve their situation.

You prefer teaching a person how to fish rather than giving him fish for a day. If he’s not a talented fisherman, he sure has another skill he can refine. There is always something. Of course, it depends on him, if he’s willing to put in the effort. If he seeks only those who’ll help him without personal investment, it’s up to him. We all make choices. We can’t be responsible for the choices of others, but only for our own.

Hopefully, you’re one of those who prefer actions to words.

People are so much stronger and capable than we think. Our perspectives make the difference, i.e. if we regard people as weak we make them weaker, and vice versa. To show others we believe in them—by challenging them in an appropriate way to instigate their development—is an act of love. Because we want them to be as free and independent as possible. If that’s not love, then what is?

Compare up

And you’ll never be enough. Chase more and more and you’ll never learn to appreciate what you have.

The satisfaction of feeling successful is so damn short-lasting. There is no end to the comparisons possible. In the era of infinite information and exposure to other people’s images and success, there is always someone better-looking, more successful, talented, etc., etc.

Even in creative work, we compare ourselves with those who are more successful. Though, if something is hard to measure and quantify it must be the creative expression. It doesn’t always seem fair; he who becomes most successful isn’t necessarily always the one most gifted.

Yet, how far do you get by dwelling and complaining about that (or secretly envy their success)? Does it make you more or less constructive? It can be a worthwhile conversation, though it needn’t be what perpetually consumes your mind.

Life isn’t fair. But the more time spent complaining about that we risk acting out of pity and vertical thinking. We risk becoming hysteric about trying to force absolute equality. Though didn’t we learn something from history and previous ideological experiments how tremendously destructive that was?

“Human beings are born with different capacities. If they are free, they are not equal. And if they are equal, they are not free.” — Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

What then?

What makes life worthwhile is gratitude, isn’t it? Not depending on, but despite the circumstances and injustice. In the era of material wealth—when most of us are offered comforts our ancestors couldn’t dream about—gratitude has become a scarcity.

On the other hand, we might be more lacking in community and close relationships. Though feeling sorry for ourselves rarely helps us build healthy bonds with one another. However, self-compassion helps us understand we’re not alone in our suffering.

People in difficult and even terrible situations across time have managed to rise stronger. From their experiences, they’ve learned and striven to make life *better for themselves, their kids, as well as others who are in similar situations. There are countless examples.

(*What I now refer to as “better” isn’t a great external and “flashy” success, rather a good and purposeful life. Where we have the possibility to actually live and experience our days and share with one another IRL. Not let the days pass by chasing something ever greater.)

We all carry different fortunes and misfortunes. It doesn’t make things better, nor solve anything, to compare; it makes things worse. We need to not regard others as either below or above us, but show them compassion for their unique situation. Show them we believe in them and offer a guiding hand if needed and possible. Oftentimes we just need to give each other more genuine attention. Become better at listening to what others say, not just hearing their words and offer them a solution. To listen with your heart is empathy; to hear with your intellect is sympathy.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” — Simone Weil

The best way to make the world better is to become the better you and set an example in everyday life and the perpetual challenges we’re all confronted with. (Clean your room before you go out and try to set the world straight, as the [in-] famous Canadian psychologist said.) Making mistakes is a necessary evil; admitting and learning from them — or not — shows the character’s strength.

Don’t rationalize your behavior; scrutinize it. Demand more of yourself. If you must compare, compare with yourself, and strive to become better.

Be inspired by the wiser and more prudent ones. Observe when you talk down to yourself and change your destructive thinking pattern. Practice self-compassion. Don’t berate yourself for your mistakes, see them as lessons to learn from. Easier said than done!

(I tell this to myself, just as much as to any other. Actually, much more. I’m a slow learner!)

Life isn’t easy. I’m not perfect myself; I still compare and judge. The difference is now that I try to make myself aware of it when it happens. Awareness is power. As I become aware of my judgmental thoughts, like envy or pity or whatnot, I can see them for what they are (my own insecurity and confusion) and let them go. Then I can see others with fresh eyes again.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” — Wayne Dyer

Conclusion

• Comparing makes us miserable. Try to let go of comparing and complaining by being mindful of your thoughts. Notice when you judge and compare and allow those thoughts to be released. Then take another look with fresh eyes.
• Start practicing gratitude for the little and for the great you have and experience in your life. (That morning coffee can be pretty luscious if you remember to appreciate the taste. And what a luxurious thing coffee is, how many could indulge in that every morning a few centuries ago?)
• Learn the difference between pity and compassion, and aim for the latter. (This is not an intellectual challenge!)
• Try to see others beyond their apparent labels.
• Try to step aside from people playing deceptive games. Only take on the battles that are necessary. Accepts the things that are out of your hands, let them go. Don’t let them wear you down and fill you up with resentments.
• Just like nature is more about cooperation than competition, so need we to be.

And “a little less conversation, a little more action please.” (Reminder to self.)

Thanks for reading