Summary

Challenging one's beliefs is crucial for personal growth and achieving goals, as it allows individuals to recognize and change habits that do not align with their desired identity.

Abstract

The article emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and the power of challenging one's self-perception to foster meaningful connections and reach personal goals. The author shares a personal journey of realizing that being a disengaged parent was not an inherent trait but a habit formed during a challenging period. By recognizing this, the author began to make conscious choices to be more present and engaged with her children. The article suggests that our beliefs shape our actions and that by adopting a growth mindset, individuals can reshape their narratives and make choices that reflect who they aspire to be, rather than being confined by their past behaviors or self-imposed limitations.

Opinions

The author initially believed they were inherently a disengaged parent, which was a misconception influenced by their habits during a stressful period.
Habits, such as checking one's phone or disengaging, can be mistaken for personal identity if not examined critically.
Unchecked beliefs can hinder progress towards goals, leading to self-sabotage and a cycle of failure and guilt.
A growth mindset is essential for personal development, as it allows individuals to believe in their capacity for change and align their choices with their aspirations.
The author argues that one's identity is a result of choices, not predetermined characteristics, and that by making different choices, individuals can become who they want to be.
The article encourages readers to actively choose habits that support their desired identity and to be mindful of the stories they tell themselves, as these narratives can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why Challenging Your Beliefs Can Help You Reach Your Goals

Is it who you are or is it a habit

There are two types of people in the world. The ones who play with their kids at the park and the ones who look for a bench as soon as they get there. I’m sad to say that I’ve too often been the latter.

Don’t get me wrong. We all need space sometimes. But for a long time, I was too disengaged. There, but not. Distracted by my phone. Trying to steal away as many seconds as I could for solitude.

I’m working on being more present with my kids. But the truth is I still struggle with putting connection first as often as it deserves. My kids’ need for connection is often in conflict with my need to be alone.

But connection can’t happen from a place of disengagement. So, now what? Are my poor kids doomed to a life with a distracted mom?

Spoiler alert: No. Because I’m not a disengaged parent. But I did get into a bad habit of being one.

Is It Who You Are or Is It a Habit

I believed for a long time that I was a disengaged parent. I wasn’t one of those parents who happily sat next to my kids while they played with a toy I bought to distract them long enough for me to shower.

But, that’s a lie. Well, the part about buying the toy to distract my kids is true, but the “I’m disengaged” part isn’t. Because I’ve had many moments when I’ve been present and engaged. And those were the moments when connection happened.

The truth is — I’m not a disengaged parent. I had a habit of being disengaged.

I got in the habit of being disengaged during a period when I was drowning with work, kids, and life. I was in the habit of checking my phone first thing in the morning so I could avoid starting the day a little longer. I was in the habit of turning on a show for the kids as soon as we got home so I could have some time alone after a full day of work. Being disengaged was how I survived.

I followed my survival routine for so long it became a habit. I thought once I stepped back from work connection would just happen. But it didn’t. Because my habits — which were driven by the need to survive, not connection — hadn’t changed.

And because I had been in the habit of being disengaged for so long, I started to believe that’s who I was. I would think to myself, see those parents who play with their kids at the park? That’s not who I am.

“The story you tell yourself becomes your destiny. Change your story and you’ll change your destiny.” Dr. Jo Lichten

Being disengaged was a story I told myself. I told myself that story so many times I believed it to be true. And since my unconscious mind was listening, I acted in a way consistent with that belief. I acted disengaged. But because I didn’t want to be disengaged, I felt guilty for being that way. I would commit to being more present but soon after would mindlessly look at my phone while my kids were around. I would commit and fail. And commit again and fail again. Because I kept telling myself a story that wasn’t true.

The problem with having unchecked beliefs is we won’t make choices that get us closer to our goals if we don’t believe we can achieve those goals. We will sabotage ourselves over and over and over. And we will have no idea why. Because we really want it, right? We really do want to be more present. So why do we keep failing?

Because we tell ourselves a lie — we believe we can’t do it. We believe it’s not who we are.

You Are Who You Choose to Be

The good news is that what you believe about yourself is a choice. Your choices make up who you are. If you don’t like part of your life, make different choices. That’s why having a growth mindset and believing you can change and grow is crucial to achieving your goals.

You might believe you’re not a morning person. But what time did you go to bed last night? And how many times did you snooze this morning? If you made different choices — ones totally within your control — would you feel more like a morning person?

Are you always late or do you simply fail to leave earlier?

Are you not active or do you make choices that keep you inactive? If you want to be active, then believe you are active and make choices that align with that identity. Move more than you sit. Don’t watch six hours of Netflix in one day (guilty). If you work a desk job get up and move every hour. Park further from the store and take the stairs when you have the chance.

Ask yourself: is this who I am or is it an outcome of the choices I’ve made?

To achieve your goals you need to make choices consistent with who you want to be. But before you can do that, you have to first believe you can do it. You have to believe that you are who you set out to be.

We can change so much about our life simply through the choices we make. We don’t control everything that happens to us, but we do control our thoughts. We do control what we believe about ourselves.

So ask yourself: what are the stories you tell yourself?

If your habits and choices don’t align with the story you want to tell about yourself, then choose different habits.

I recognize now that I’m not a disengaged parent. But I did believe that’s who I was. And because of that, I was making choices to stay disengaged. Once I challenged my belief, I started making different choices. Choices that were consistent with who I wanted to be — a present and engaged mom.

We are nothing more than the series of choices we make every day. The good news is we’re in control of who we are. And every moment of every day is a new chance to be the person we want to be.