Why Casual Sex Usually Leaves Us Feeling Empty

Summary

The author reflects on the emotional complexities and potential downsides of casual sex, suggesting that while it can be enjoyable, it often leaves participants feeling empty and questioning their self-worth.

Abstract

The article delves into the personal experiences of the author with casual sex, highlighting the emotional repercussions that can follow. Despite initially desiring the freedom and pleasure associated with casual encounters, the author found that such experiences often led to feelings of depression and unfulfillment. The piece argues that casual sex can create a cycle of exploitation where both parties view each other as disposable, which can be emotionally damaging if one is not truly at peace with the nature of the encounter. It also touches on the existential impact of casual sex, such as reinforcing feelings of unlovability and questioning one's uniqueness. The author concludes by advocating for self-awareness and honesty about one's motivations for engaging in casual sex, emphasizing the importance of understanding the emotional risks involved.

Opinions

The author supports casual sex but cautions against the emotional consequences that can accompany it.
Engaging in casual sex can lead to a sense of emotional purgatory or despair if not approached with clarity about one's own values and feelings.
The article suggests that casual sex can reflect a mirrored cycle of exploitation, where both parties are equally disposable to each other.
The author believes that the joy of casual sex can be fleeting and may be followed by a heightened sense of loneliness and worthlessness.
It is posited that most people are not truly comfortable with the nature of casual sex, despite initial beliefs or desires.
The piece advocates for maintaining casual sex within the realm of friendships to mitigate emotional risks, while acknowledging that even this can lead to wanting more.
The author emphasizes the importance of self-reflection regarding the reasons for engaging in casual sex and suggests that it should be done with caution and for the right reasons.
The article concludes that being honest with oneself about not being ready for a serious relationship can make casual sex a more straightforward and less emotionally charged experience.

Casual Sex Can Include the Greatest of Joys and the Harshest of Sorrows

There are some downsides to casual sex. I’ve experienced them personally and at the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what exactly about it made me uncomfortable. I thought, and thought, and thought, and I tried and tried, but alas, I only came up with a few halfway complete theories about what bothered me about it when I was actually living the single life. It even made me completely depressed, at times, when I would engage in casual sex.

It took some time, but I finally theorized what I had been actually living for so long, often leaving my encounters with women feeling unfulfilled, even depressed or saddened by my plight of just-having-gotten-laid. Huh. Be careful what you wish for? I think so.

It should be noted here, that I’m 100% supportive of casual sex. I just don’t think we should send ourselves into some emotional purgatory or the depths of total despair in doing it. Perhaps there’s a reason why free sex can hurt.

What I’ve finally come to understand reeks of Nietzchean values and Sartrean artificial hierarchy structures, which is basically another way of saying it’s all in what we value. When we practice casual sex, we become who we have sex with. It becomes a mirrored cycle of exploitation. The image we have of them in our heads eventually becomes us, and this realization dawns on us like a comet shattering into the Earth: we are as disposable to them as they are to us.

They’re just a body for us for a night, a week, etc., but then again, so are we for them. This can seriously hurt if we’re not okay with it.

Casual sex reminds us of our place, it reminds us that we haven’t found someone to settle down with, and it sometimes brings us back to the cold, harsh feeling of complete unlovability. In casual sex, we get a temporary reprieve from our questions of self-worth, from our nagging voice that reminds us that we’re still single and likely to stay that way, and from our sexual-physical disconnect with the world, but when the temporary fix wears off, the pain usually hurts worse.

This is a hard pill for most of us to swallow, if not all of us. Nobody likes to feel completely disposable, at least not every part of them, and I think that if we dig deep enough with an honest enough view of ourselves, we’ll find that there’s at least a part of even the most independent among us that wants to be recognized as something special. One-night-stands are situations that reaffirm that we’re anything but special, we’re another body in a sea of bodies, not quite worth keeping around to someone or even anyone.

Ever get done having a one-night stand or some casual sex with an acquaintance and then instantly become overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness? Perhaps it wasn’t immediate, perhaps it took whatever length of time for that person to leave, or then for you to reflect on what had happened, and deal with the real truth of the matter: that almost all relationships are temporary, most of them will be short, and none of them have proved worth keeping together — yet, you still had sex with that person.

The thing is, I’ve never really run into anyone who was actually okay with casual sex, especially in large quantities. I’ve met many people who thought they were going to love having lots and lots of casual sex, all the way up until the point when it happened…when those fantasies of joy dissolved like a dead flower into the mud of difficult-to-navigate responsibilities, temperments, confusion, ambiguity, and so forth. Freedom has a price, and that price is uncertainty. This isn’t to say that there isn’t something awesome about some good old fashioned, no-expectations sex, especially during a dry spell, but these instances are the exception and not the norm. If the person is unbelievably good, we’ll want more, and more, yet, we can’t have that. If the person isn’t our cup of tea in the bedroom, well, that should be self-explanatory.

So, I’d like to raise the question, what do we communicate with ourselves when we practice casual sex? I think that answer could play out in a number of ways, the usual of them being that we deserve it and it’s been a while, in which case, hey, have fun and enjoy yourself, or we tend to think we’re going to have a good time, going through the motions, only to discover that our motives were a bit different than we’d initially thought. It’s almost as if we get buyers remorse after buying what we thought we needed, but it turns out we didn’t.

The fact is, casual sex can be an emotional rollercoaster, whether we want to admit it or not, and ironically, usually, it’s the most ardent denialists of this fact that are the most sensitive to its sting. As we continue on our excursions, at some point, we’re going to realize that even the greatest sex partners are just a blip in the long span of our lives, a moment of disposable, hedonistic, nihilistic joy — if it’s even that good — that joy will be gone as quickly and abruptly as it came (see what I did, there?)

Another solution, as crazy as it sounds, is to keep your casual sex with friends, people with whom you’ve established a solid connection and bond, rather than complete strangers — maybe except for the rare instances where you just need to do something completely wild. Close friends with sexual elements are often the best, but these, too, can leave us wanting more.

Ultimately, I’m still very much pro-promiscuity and think that, safety observed, we should seek to explore ourselves and our bodies, as well as the selves and bodies of others, yet, we should do so with caution and the right reasons. Asking ourselves why we’re having casual sex, really asking, and peering honestly into ourselves can provide a great deal of insight into how we operate. What is it we really want? The only answer I can give you to that question is that the answer isn’t always clear.

I’ve also found it tremendously easier if we admit to ourselves that we’re not ready for anything serious and have some work to do on ourselves, that way we can take casual sex for what it is without making it into something it’s not.