Why Black Millennials Aren’t Getting Married As Early As Generations Before Us
In a recent survey, I asked participants a few questions related to marriage. My goal was to better understand Black millennials’ take on the topic since theories in recent years suggest that we are apart of a generation that doesn’t believe in marriage anymore. Are we a generation that doesn’t believe in marriage, or is there something else happening? Over 130 respondents participated in the surveys, and others expounded on their ideas. Below were the three questions asked.
- Is marriage a goal in life for you?
- Do you feel any societal pressure to get married?
- Do you think there is an age-associated with when you should be married?
Here are the quick stats of responses before we move forward:
Is marriage a goal in life for you? 103 yes 35 no (two of these respondents were already married)
Do you feel any societal pressure to get married? 74 yes 72 no
Do you think there is an age-associated with when you should be married? 52 yes 59 no
Is Marriage A Goal In Life For You
The majority of respondents said marriage was a life goal for them. It was surprising because I assumed the numbers would split evenly. Nonetheless, over 100 people said they did want to get married, and it was a life goal. I also thought that more men would say no than women. That was untrue.
Out of the 35 respondents who said marriage wasn’t a goal in their lives, only two men gave that answer (one of which is already married). It’s fair to assume, based on this information, that Black millennials’ take on marriage may be different than the overall assumption that our generation doesn’t want to do it. It’s also fair to assume that maybe many more men want to get married than our community may think.
I decided to ask to follow questions of those that said yes and no, including men and women, to get more insight into their answers. The responses were heartwarming on both sides.
When asked why marriage is a goal for them:
“The biggest factor is probably the fact that my parents have been married for the past 30 years. I can reach my full potential as a married person, and I think life is more fruitful that way. I want to experience true love, build a family, and experience life with an equal other half.”
Man, 24 years old
“Marriage has been a goal for me because growing up, and it was shown as a lifetime partnership. Going through life’s hardships and good times with a person that’s down for the ride. People often say marriage is just a piece of paper or a business deal, well in my eyes, just like we value money (a piece of paper), it contributes to providing a better lifestyle for myself.”
Woman, 25 years old
“I was raised in a two-parent family that was mostly healthy. I see what my parents have, and I want it. I would like to know there’s one person that’s going to ride with me through everything and that I can create a family with. I have 0 desire to co-parent or have kids with someone I hate.”
Woman, 26 years old
“Marriage is a goal of mine because I ultimately want to be with one person and build a family. Marriage provides a seal for lifelong commitment between both people involved. That’s not to say you can’t have a union without marriage, but for me, it makes it more official.”
Man, 27 years old
“I kinda thought marriage was the goal for everyone. I want to have kids on purpose one day.”
Man, 25 years old
“I think marriage is the best path to happiness for me. I’m not convinced being single or in a non-monogamous relationship would work for me in the long term.”
Man, 28 years old
Surprisingly, the answers to why people didn’t have marriage as a goal didn’t veer far from respondents that did. Everyone, every person who gave more insight to their answer, said they wanted a lifelong commitment to another person. No one said they wanted to date around or be alone. Perhaps, it’s not that Black millennials don’t believe in the promise to be with someone long-term but instead are more intentional about what our partnerships look like than any generation before us.
When Asked Why Marriage Isn’t a Goal In Life For Them
“ My real goal is to be loved and find a partner that is open-minded and wants to build, learn and grow. I don’t need marriage for that.”
- Woman, 26 years old
“I don’t like the goal part, but I would like to have a wedding and be in a long term partnership.”
- Woman, 26 years old
“Marriage just was never on the forefront of my mind. I’ve dreamed about kids and other milestones but never the dream wedding or marriage. I also come from a 2-parent home and see the other side of marriage that doesn’t seem that appealing. I would be fine with or without it.”
- Woman, 24 years old
“I never thought of marriage as a necessity. I’ve always felt complete without someone else. I was okay if it wasn’t going to happen or if it was. It just so happened that I did get married.”
- Woman, 26 years old
“I’m completely open to marriage, but in no way is it a goal of mine. I was raised by a very independent, strong Black woman who was married yet taught me to work hard and be successful in life. She taught me that success is my ultimate goal.”
- Woman, 26 years old
Society’s View on Marriage
We can find many truths about society in the famous book-turned Netflix series, Bridgerton. When we aren’t staring at how beautiful the duke is, we can discover patriarchy woven into the story about marriage. Think about it, women’s fathers would pay their husbands to be to marry them. Men could exist within society without a wife, yet a woman would be looked down upon for doing the same thing. It was blasphemous for a woman to have a child out of wedlock, and this culture exists within our US society.
“There’s a push for women to be married, and that somehow is supposed to validate our womanhood or give us purpose. I disagree with that.”
- Woman, 24 years old
“In society, I think marriage is a status of how valuable women are.”
- Woman, 27 years old
When I compared these responses to the pressure questions and who it was coming from, there was an apparent trend. The majority of women said that they were pressured to get married. When they expounded upon where the pressure was coming from, most respondents said it came from family, their mothers, or themselves. The majority of respondents of if there’s a time clock to get married were women.
Why?
One respondent guessed that it’s because women have biological clocks. It’s a scientific fact that the older women get, the harder it is for us to have children. There’s even considerations that women over 30 have a higher probability to have a risky pregnancy. Since society deems having children out of wedlock or without a partner terrible, there’s pressure from older women for us to get the ball rolling. I can hear someone’s mom right now saying, “I want grandbabies”. However, women and men are pushing against the rush into a partnership to do it right. Women also are going against the societal norm that in order to be valuable or to have kids, we must be married. It’s not right, and Black millennial women know it.
There’s also this aspect that is a delay of marriage compared to generations before us. By 26, many of our parents were married, with one of us on their hip. Not us. We’re at brunch, traveling the world, working our ways up the business latter and working on ourselves mentally, spiritually, and physically. The delay of marriage for Black millennials isn’t because we don’t believe in it; we aim to get it right the first time and be healthy before we are with our partner.
When Asked If They’d Want To Be Married Now
“I think people should date around when they’re in their 20s and figure out what they like and don’t like before jumping into marriage. So many marriages end because people don’t take their time to get to know themselves and the person they’re marrying. If I had to give an age, I’d say anytime after 29, but I don’t think there’s a set age.”
- Man, 27 years old
“Yes. I think I’m ready, and of course, I could know nothing. That’s why God has me where I am, but I do think I’m ready for marriage.”
- Woman, 26 years old
“Yes, but I battle with this answer because I’m not sure where I need to be mentally. I’m an evolving human being, and I won’t have the same mindset I have now compared to 5 or 10 years from now. I know I’m becoming more sure of myself and learning to love myself more, which is very important before giving your all to someone else.”
- Woman, 26 years old
“I think someone knows when the time is right, and age doesn’t matter. I am very cautious picking my person because this is my future and nobody wants to end up going through a divorce.”
- Man, 27 years old
“Marriage isn’t something that I think I’m ready for. Everyone matures at different paces, and I’m aware that marriage takes a lot of commitment. I’m also self-aware and understand that I’m not ready for that level of responsibility at this point in my life.”
- Man, 26 years old
“I would say at this age, if marriage is what we want, we should be intentional and put in the work to grow together. We look at everything else as an investment, invest in your relationship, and find the resources to help you grow mentally with your partner. In other words, I’m a huge supporter of counseling.”
- Man, 25 years old
“I never saw a successful marriage growing up, and I would like to have a family one day to show them what a healthy one looks like. I’m emotionally and mentally not ready to bring my best self into a relationship.”
- Woman, 25 years old
“I think just like any goal, you work hard for it and accomplish it. It takes time and effort. Marriage is a privilege that should be earned between two people. Where I am in life right now, I don’t think I’m deserving of marriage yet. More growth and nourishment are needed individually and collectively, even to be worthy of such sacred vows. But as we continue to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally we will have the capacity to value the canons of marriage.”
- Woman, 25 years old
“I want to get married, but I don’t want to rush just, so it looks good on a timeline.”
- Man 28, years old
A fun fact is that rate of divorce in the US has been declining for the past decade and hit a 50-year record low in 2019. Though millennials are getting married later than our parents and generations before us, we might be getting it right. The data suggests that people now stay married longer, implying that they are happier. According to census data, the US’s average age range to get married is between 25 and 30. On average, men marry slightly later, around 29 or 30, while women vary from 25–29. And based on the Black millennial surveys, it makes sense.
Black women and men are more focused on self-development, including financial, mental, physical, and spiritual growth, rather than rushing into marriage. We are fighting against centuries of systemic oppression, white supremacy and trauma we have to heal from at the same time. We reject the idea that we have to be married to fit society’s standards. There was one point where we weren’t even accepted in this society as being fully human or deserving of our lives. Instead, we are choosing long term partnerships and marriage because we want to. And because it’s our choice, we find our partners on our own time and display it in our own way.
“Nikki Giovanni said the most revolutionary thing Black people can do is love each other. We have to love each other and fix our issues from square one. I think the home is square one.”
- Woman, 27 years old
Black Millennials are just trying to get it right from square one.
Yours Truly,
Marielle
