Why Believing in Soulmates Ruined My Life

Let go of the soulmate goal to find a happy and healthy relationship.

One email changed my life.

A random email from a stranger across the world. I could have deleted it but who sends emails out of the blue? Our universities had newly started email service and it was doubtful if strangers just emailed each other for no reason at all. She had sent me an email just to say “hello”. It was a random but happy coincidence.

Although we were living worlds apart, me in Southern California and her in Southern India, our hearts and spirits were racing north toward the skies. What we thought was an accidental meaningless email were the angels at work, bringing two strangers together. Our love story began with a lone email between two strangers that turned into lengthy emails where we were pouring our hearts out to each other.

The spirits had set in motion our own love story that would begin virtually but would find me flying to India to see her three weeks later. Cupid had taken his shot and struck us both — our international romance would unfold over the next two years.

Cupid doesn’t make mistakes, right?

We were smitten with each other. Our three-week secret rendezvous was hidden from our Indian families as I flew across the world to see her. Over the next couple of years of dating, we did share with them that we had met each other, liked each other, and wanted to marry each other. While our meeting had started with an electrifying virtual connection, we were by no means in sync with each other. As we got to know each other, we found differences in personality and values. We had different styles when it came to communicating and arguing.

We blamed our disagreements and incompatibilities on distance and not being fully able to understand each other because we were in different time zones, worlds apart. The solution to all of our problems was being together. Marrying each other and living together would make all of our petty issues recede into the ocean of disharmony and we would be dancing on the shores under the moonlight.

We had found each other after all — like finding a needle in a haystack. We were falling for each other and wanted to be with each other. Cupid doesn’t make mistakes. Soulmates are once in a lifetime and not everyone finds theirs.

We would ultimately get married, move across oceans and live blissfully ever after because we were soulmates and that’s what soulmates do. Right?

Ocean crossing and souls crashing

Our marriage only became rockier when she moved continents and moved in with me. We had been each other's first loves and neither of us had lived with another partner before. We quickly realized we were very different people. I was an introvert who enjoyed being at home and being contemplative. She was an extrovert who wanted to experience the world. I kept few friends and was more reclusive. She was social and wanted to be in crowds.

She argued loudly, me not at all. She had a lot to say when I would simply not say anything. This would irk us and cause our simple fights to turn into big ones. I wanted to end an argument immediately and talk about it later but she would want to talk about things immediately after our disagreements.

Despite our many disagreements and differences, we believed that things would get better when we achieved our professional goals. Things would get better when we moved to a bigger home. Things would get better when we had kids.

We were soulmates, so things would magically get better for us one day. We were just going through some “getting to know each other” squabbles and tension. Our marriage and relationship would get better with time. All we had to do was stay the course. The universe wouldn’t have brought us together for no reason at all.

Soulmates don’t drift apart, or do they?

When our marriage came to a sputtering halt, and we decided to live separately, it was never with the intention of divorcing. It was simply a time to take a break and re-evaluate. When we met up again after six months of separation, we had come to very different conclusions. She realized that we were not meant to be together and live together forever, so she made the wise decision to go her separate way.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t believe my ears. While I had contemplated the “d” word, I simply thought that divorce didn’t happen to soulmates. We were experiencing some temporary turbulence (that had gone on for several years now), and better days were ahead. I made a case for us to be together and once again, “try again” to right the ship and make it work.

When she firmly but politely declined and our divorce went through, I could have let go and moved on but that’s not what soulmates did. While we physically stopped talking or meeting each other, she filled my life in many ways. She was all I thought about and dreamt about. I regretted everything that had happened and decided to work on myself for the sole purpose of getting back with my soulmate. Unlike most people who believed divorce was a final and permanent end, I thought it was a small break we had to work through. Soulmates, I naively believed, can even get through divorce and reconnect.

The curse of being with a soulmate

When we met, during our marriage, and even towards the end of the relationship, we continued to stay together and fight through the termites that were gnawing away at our relationship. How could we possibly separate when we were chosen for each other, meant for each other, and were supposed to be together forever?

We were soulmates after all, and soulmates stood by each other until death did us part. Life would throw us curveballs and would shake like an airplane experiencing turbulence, but it was only supposed to be curves and a little bit of a bumpy ride. We were still going to get to our final destination in one piece. That’s how soulmates did it. They fought together through thick and thin and came out shining on the other side.

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.

Thinking of ourselves as soulmates kept us locked into an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. We were clearly not meant to be with each other or live with each other for an entire lifetime.

Thinking we were soulmates didn't mean that we lived together blissfully with a soul connection. All we were doing was sucking the soul out of each other.

The problem with believing in soulmates

If you believe in soulmates or are expecting to find one, this may be a little bit of a shock to you. You’re better off living with the reality of knowing there’s no such thing as soulmates. Believing in soulmates hurts you in these ways:

• It makes you take relationships for granted. You don’t have to do the work or put in the effort because you’re “soulmates”. You don’t do the work because you believe you’re meant to be together.
• You stay in sucky and toxic relationships because you believe that you’re “soulmates”. You’re overlooking red flags and thinking that an unhealthy relationship is normal.
• You don’t end relationships that are bad for you mentally and emotionally. You continue to believe that things will improve and will work out because after all, “you’re soulmates”.
• You have a hard time moving on from relationships and want to go back to the bad relationship you were in because…you guessed it…. “soulmates”.

You don’t have to wait for a soulmate.

You can find someone compatible, work at being a great couple, and improve your relationship daily. You can put your heart and soul into the kind of relationship that you want to build. A soulmate implies no work and effort, just a belief that the universe sets you up with the person that you’re with. It assumes that the stars created this relationship, and the relationship will be a breeze. It assumes that the problems won’t exist, and the universe will magically make all things right. It assumes you’re destined to be with someone, and you’re going to be in that relationship, no matter how good or bad things get.

• If you’re looking for someone, please don’t wait on or settle on that one person that you believe to be your “soulmate.”
• Soulmates don’t come out of the skies or thin air. Soulmates aren’t pre-destined and magical.
• What is magical is working on a relationship and making it what you want it to be.
• Effort, time, growth, healthy communication, healthy conflict is the prescription for a soulful relationship.

I’m genuinely curious about your take on soulmates, twin flames, and past lives relationships. Are they a thing or fiction? Share your comments.

Enjoyed this post? Read: