Just curiousCULTURE AND SELFISHNESS
Why Are You Like This? Classifying Those Who Blast Music in Public
And how to stop loud music in its tracks!
I was in an elevator last week watching someone watch a soccer game on their phone blaring full volume. My gooooooooooooal, was to get the heck out of there because it was an incredibly annoying experience.
We might be at an inflection point regarding modern selfishness. The me me me attitude has polluted our sources of water, our atmosphere, and the night sky. Now modernity is polluting our aural experiences — making it feel like all public spaces have been infiltrated with personal audio. A good cleansing rant helps me set aside my own character flaws and faults in order to focus on the faults of others.
What if I had to be more self-aware and examine my own numerous flaws? Anything but me! On to the list.
Car Rack Beach Music Blaster
This audiological deplorable can be found sitting atop her Subaru, furtively searching the sunset for a single drop of dopamine.
She listens to slow sad beachcomber-favorite songs by local singer-songwriters just before sunset. With enough residual light, you might see the streaked mascara — the relic of a tough day at the Fresh Crab Catch Grotto Fish Aqua Market & Raw Oyster Bar and a recent breakup. She planned to quit weeks ago, and chooses to burn her free time crying atop her vehicle.
There’s nothing quite like being screamed at by hangry tourists because the complimentary hush puppies were slightly cold.
Broadcasting her poor taste in music and swaying out of sync won’t bring her lover back, and it won’t get those previously frozen hush puppies to a food safe temperature. Her ex needed to free up time for medical visits anyway—he now has tinnitus from her overly-loud music.
Hiking EDM Crew
“You know what this piquant landscape needs? Avicii on full blast!”, said fucking no one ever. These people are the ones that put ketchup on steak tartare and declare the chicken Caesar salad at Costco is gourmand.
Enjoying nature without disturbing it is for Boomers.
The inventors of portable Bluetooth speakers, and the Bluetooth backpack specifically, should be brought before an international war crimes tribunal because it enables horrible life choices. Most hiking EDM crews have probably been put on a kill list by Audubon International.
Gymnastics Class Mumble Rap Enthusiast
Nothing says entitlement like subjecting everyone to Fetty Wap’s music video catalog during your kid’s tumbling class. Not even Fetty himself would approve of forcing everyone to listen to his music during the one weekly structured ‘break’ a parent might get. With a monthly membership fee of $128, the gymnastics mumble rap enthusiast can afford to buy a pair of earbuds. He just doesn’t give a crap.
What To Do
These people are clearly beyond saving. There’s nothing to do. I take that back — crap is the answer. Feces. Poopie doopie. Let’s hope that Spider Jerusalem’s bowel disruptor gets invented in the next couple of years. I can think of a few categories of people I’d like to use the “shat into unconsciousness” setting on. They don’t give a crap, so let’s make them crap. Be well.
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