Why Are We Still Saying “Time Heals All Wounds”?
Are we not being as proactive as we should be about processing our pain when we buy into this phrase?
Do you get sick of hearing “time heals all wounds”?
It’s some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I know it’s well-intentioned, but usually, the people who make these remarks are not adequately prepared to offer real guidance. In a way, this phrase is a cop-out.
I’ve expressed how I felt about losing my ex in a breakup. The typical response from a friend or family member is: Well, Paul, it just takes time, you’ll move on, and things will get better.
Have you ever heard something like this?
This is frustrating because it invalidates your experience and regards it as something you’ll “just get over” at some point in the future.
This phrase isn’t an excuse to do nothing about your suffering
Time does not magically heal our emotional pain.
Emotionally mature adults understand that processing pain is something they must actively “do”. Though the passage of time does tend to nullify things a bit, underneath the surface, it’s still there.
When you don’t process your pain, you may fall back into the same routines and bad habits. A perfect example is a breakup:
- At first it can come as a shock
- You might be in denial of the breakup for a bit
- Then reality hits you, and every damn emotion imaginable floods in
Of course, as you experience the grieving process, it will lessen over time. However, there still tends to be lingering feelings, as if an ember is still left in the fire pit.
We shouldn’t have to dwell on something like a breakup or divorce for the rest of our lives. But some people do. Some people still get triggered by the sight or the mention of their ex(s) years later.
So in this case, how exactly is time addressing these leftover feelings? Forgetting about the past doesn’t remove the emotional charge of something like a traumatic event.
Does “time heals” give us the green light to accumulate relationship baggage?
Are we not being as proactive as we should be about processing our pain when we buy into this phrase?
If time heals, then we wouldn’t be run by trauma
What is the greatest evidence against “time heals all wounds”?
The ego.
It runs us. Our ego is the tool that we as humans use to experience the world. For good or bad, it developed as we grew up and experienced life.
It is an accumulation of everything from:
- Careers
- Relationships
- Hobbies
- Thoughts
- Beliefs
- Opinions
It is the root of how we see ourselves and the world around us. The ego can help or hinder us.
Whatever identity we have taken on could be quite toxic. It can be self-abusive, critical, judgmental, and petty.
For many people, part of the ego developed from traumatic experiences.
Those traumatic experiences are buried deep in the subconscious, out of our everyday awareness.
For example, I can be insecure at times.
I don’t think I received the best treatment as a young boy, and I can be often afraid of judgment, criticism, or rejection — especially in relationships.
If time heals, then I shouldn’t be controlled by this fear.
It’s quite rare these days for me to receive this kind of treatment as an adult, so I can’t see where else it’s originating from then in my younger days.
Occasionally, I’ll get triggered by things that remind me of my past relationship. It’ll conjure up sadness or frustration of what happened.
You could compare it to some asshole of a friend randomly reminding you of something bad you did years ago. Pain that isn’t fully processed manifests as an overreaction to a situation.
My therapist described our emotions as a glass of water. When your glass is too full, you cannot adequately help someone else. To empty it, you need to talk through it or experience the sensations of how you feel.
Or you can imagine our subconscious (where we store our emotionally charged memories) as a reservoir.
When we suppress bad things that happen to us, it goes into this reservoir.
This reservoir could sit dormant for years, but a random situation, word/phrase, or thing can act as the final drop in that reservoir. Everything might spill out.
We’ll express our emotions at the worst time, and usually in such a way as to cause us embarrassment, shame, or in some cases hurt someone else.
Realistically, if you had adequately moved on from something like a breakup or divorce, you should be able to see it in a more neutral light.
By this, the thought of your ex doesn’t send you into a pang of sadness, anger, hatred, etc…
The thought of this person would just be information. The memory wouldn’t be painted with your emotionally charged perception of them.
Though it’s easier said than done to let go. It could take many years to process the emotions.
Rather than wait around, be proactive about your suffering
Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.― Eckhart Tolle
1. Shadow work
“Shadow work” and the “shadow self” are terms derived by the Swiss founder of analytical psychology Carl Jung. The idea of shadow work is that we all have parts of ourselves that we’ve repressed or largely ignored. Those long-forgotten aspects of our personalities, the parts of our identity that we’ve come to reject, make up our shadow self. — Cleveland Clinic
For this to make sense, I’ll provide an example.
A common thing for people to experience growing up is for us to be told to “be quiet”. This behavior from adults might have conditioned you to be quieter and to repress your louder self.
This conditioning places self-imposed limitations in your mind.
However, the louder, more expressive side is contained in the shadow of our subconscious.
To do shadow work, it’s advised to work with a therapist, as the emotions evoked during this might be too much to handle alone.
However, even if you don’t intend to do shadow work, it’s important to annotate when you get triggered. It’s quite easy to write down your triggers. I’ll keep a note of something that triggers me in my phone right at that moment. I can be forgetful so this is immensely helpful for future reference.
Through this process with my therapist, I would explain certain times when I became emotionally activated, and how it felt.
Overall, shadow work is meant to bring to light some of the “blind spots” in our lives so that we are more mindful of our behavior.
2. Asking why
Limit or remove coping.
Coping is any sort of behavior such as drug use, alcohol consumption, entertainment, food, or sex as a replacement for addressing our feelings.
Without addressing them, you’ll probably end up in a similar situation that caused you pain in the first place.
For myself, I can be a bit obsessive over finding out the answers to things. I tend to ruminate and analyze situations — sometimes it consumes a lot of my time.
However, it’s a great trait to have when processing emotional pain. Instead of saying I don’t know why I feel this way or blaming someone else, I will ask why…xyz.
- Why is this bothering me so much?
- Why do I miss any particular situation?
- Why do I keep replaying the scenario over and over again?
The intent behind why is to get to the point where you feel an emotion. Whatever it is, the response you get from yourself is the real reason why you’re stuck on a certain thing.
That response is what you should let go of — the emotions that need their opportunity to move on.
3. Let go.
Don’t resist how you’re feeling.
Tap into that sadness or anxiety. Sink into it and experience it completely.
There might be a lot of resistance to your feelings. This is okay as it means you’re on track to letting go.
You must fully accept your physical sensations and let them pass. I don’t know what else to tell you other than you have to do that, even if it means you haven’t cried in a decade. — Paul Trood, The Real Reason We Avoid Problems Even Though It’s The Path to Happiness
One of the things that we unknowingly believe is that if we sink into our feelings and accept them for what they are, we will manifest more of them. It’s not the case, because resisting our emotions only does one thing. It prolongs our suffering.
Time does not heal all of your emotional wounds. It takes effort to move on from prior trauma. The loss of something such as a significant relationship isn’t something you casually get past after a certain amount of time has elapsed.
When someone tells you this, just smile and nod your head. Be appreciative of their intentions to help you, but don’t take them too seriously.
If you liked this story and wish to grow personally, consider subscribing to my weekly newsletter.