Why Are We So Uncomfortable With Reality?

4 Reasons Why We Need a Return to Realistic Coping Skills

If a pragmatic, realistic skillset isn’t the most cherished tool in your mental arsenal, I’d like you to consider reevaluating those coping mechanisms. Yeah, I’m speaking to you who prize positive thinking as your best attribute. My recent brain tumor diagnosis has provided a significant example of how human beings cope with crisis events. A sunny disposition is pleasant, but if it’s used to deflect reality, it’s not serving you. And it might be harmful, not helpful.

How counterculture of me to suggest your positivity makes you a danger to yourself and others.

Reason #1: Realism Offers Tangible Help. Positivity is Vacuous.

Our society leans very hard into positivity and denial. We unintentionally one-up others via our platitudes. You can see it in celebrity life coaches who offer empty inspirational quotes, “Believe in yourself and anything is possible!” “You can overcome any obstacle, if you just change your thinking!” But homelessness, poverty, and abusive relationships claim lives, despite how much people yearn for change. Every minute you spend reading this article, twenty-four women will suffer physical abuse by a domestic partner. Some will never escape, even with great desire and a longing for relief.

Clichés are vacuous and deny assisting and understanding other people’s difficult life situations. A host of issues cause us to be stuck in pain and suffering. Just because you could move from an unpleasant situation, does not mean others lingering in similar circumstances are weak and ineffectual. Many people just lack the resources.

To reframe that tired inspirational quote, “Believe in yourself, and with the right combination of timing, luck, hard work, education, health, community and personal resources, finances, and supportive mentors, you are more likely to make changes and rise from your situation.”

If you really want to help people, offer genuine empathy and physical support, not trite mantras. Realism helps us understand practical actions we can take to help our friends and make societal changes.

Reason #2: We all Die.

And of course, there’s our own mortality. Your positivity won’t defeat death. In the end, we all wind up there. And we’ll often experience one or more unsavory medical diagnoses on the way to visit the Grim Reaper. Alas, positivity doesn’t cure cancer or critical illnesses. If it did, every adorable, bright, and happy child would be spared such devastating things. Children are certainly positive little balls of hopeful energy.

In my case, the running theme from others as they have learned about my brain tumor, is generally summarized by, “You can beat this!” I know people mean well, but it’s unrealistic to assume an outcome. And I need to dwell deeply in reality now. Unfortunately, healthcare professionals don’t give a written warranty or ensure survival. Even with all their skills, technology, training, and years of experience, doctors do not know a patient’s end results with certainty. Gulp.

News flash — No one knows the outcome. It’s a cliffhanger. My current odds are quite good, as this is likely a benign tumor, but there can be huge plot twists. Stay tuned for the next episode. I’m not being negative in this. It’s vital honesty, because I want to consider all potential courses.

Does it overwhelm me? No. My life goes on as it has. Until we arrive at a treatment path, or unless symptoms worsen, I suspect I’ll still keep standing fast in reality and loving life as I have.

I’ve been contemplating my mortality since I had cancer as a very young woman decades ago. And while some of us are comfortable with this unpleasant thought, a vast majority of our society are not.

Death is a thing we all need to honestly plan for and discuss. Do we want to leave our loved ones struggling with how to deal with our final wishes? Do we want end of life care designated by others without our input?

Reason #3: Positivity Can be Unrealistic and Harmful.

Clinging to false hope can harm those critically ill. During that era of my ’98 cancer treatment, I held the hands of chemo buddies who had wonderful positive outlooks, and yet many still died, some while voicing hope and thoughts of healing until the very end. Positivity did not change their outcome. Quite the reverse occurred.

In some cases, false hope and toxic positivity caused devastating effects to my sick and suffering friends, because they were stunned and ran out of time to say their farewells and make peace with the world. There are no words to describe seeing that look of anguish when a terminal patient realizes it’s too late and nothing will change the outcome, no matter how positive they were through the treatment.

Conversely, I did encounter people who hoped for the best, but planned for the worst, accepted their outcome, and did die in beautiful peace. I laughed with some who had days to live, and I cried with them as we said our farewells. But through it all, those who understood the totality of the situation early on, and embraced their mortality, were more likely to leave this Earth with genuine harmony.

I pray when I board the train to that final destination, I can have the same courage to honestly face it. We should all be so fortunate and brave.

Reason #4: Bad things Happen to Good People.

Stop saying, “Good things happen to good people.” That is a slap in the face to people who are suffering, as if personal ethics earn us a pass from catastrophic events. Again, I realize people mean well and are striving to be kind, but it’s not really a truthful outlook when you survey life.

For some people, no matter how hard they’ve worked and kept a cheerful outlook, catastrophes occur, and they will never recover. Twenty-one families in Uvalde, Texas are burying their precious children and loved ones in the coming days. They can attest to this. Bad things absolutely DO happen to good people.

And if someone survives cancer or a critical illness, they aren’t more deserving or better than those who fell on the battlefield. Don’t praise me just because I emerge unscathed from this brain tumor.

My will to live and personal ethics aren’t any greater than anyone else. I don’t earn accolades for medical treatment that worked for me but didn’t have the same positive outcome for another person.

Congratulate people for going through a tough issue, but don’t celebrate medical survivors as if they somehow earned health through hard work or being a good person or willpower. Personally, I refrain from saying, “I’ll beat this thing.” I desperately want to. But as I said earlier, it’s out of my wheelhouse to predict future outcomes and I refuse to linger in a false reality.

The simple answer — It is either my time or it’s not. And that’s true of every person with a critical illness.

Be a Hopeful Realist

I think it’s time we embraced pragmatism and realism as our most prized attributes and sprinkled positivity in, rather than the reverse. It doesn’t make you a negative person to speak truth or to face harsh realities. Our ancestors were made of different stuff. Overall, I’d say those generations had a greater ability to function efficiently through life than we do today.

My great grandparents endured two World Wars, a devasting pandemic, and the Great Depression. Even normal life carried high infant mortality rates and shorter life expectancy rates. A simple infection could and did kill people. People faced these risks every day. Virtually every family in that era was touched by one or more of these catastrophes on a very personal level. They couldn’t evade poverty, burying a beloved child, or critical illnesses. Yet somehow our ancestors managed to have fulfilling lives. They raised families. They still laughed, created, inspired and were productive. They also knew tragedies lurked and they met those with honesty. They had contingency plans and they had empathy.

I never once heard my great grandfather say, “Good things happen to good people.” He’d endured and he understood. I still remember laughing with him and the stories he told me of his life. He wasn’t a negative person. His grasp on reality was solid and beautiful. He also didn’t lose empathy for others who weren’t as fortunate. There was always an action plan to help an impoverished neighbor or a friend who lost a family member or someone who was just “down on their luck.” Those in that generation knew that a turn of fate’s wheel could evoke similar events for them and their families.

Yeah, it’s easier to fall back on hopes and wishful thinking. Human beings don’t like to face hard things. That’s why it’s easier to avoid than confront. Trust me, I am not always in some glorious mental place. I don’t like thinking about negatives. But I must. And we all must.

An avoidant mindset does not give us personal fortitude or an explanation for tragedies or challenges that occur to good, decent people or to ourselves. When we remove those blinders of toxic positivity, we can meet those obstacles and endure better. Empathy replaces smug contempt for suffering people.

Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. And may grace cover the rest.

Be realists. And allow your friends who are enduring hardships to voice their feelings without attempting to rescue them with false hopes or positivity. Let them make their peace and rightness with the world and themselves. Let them be realistic and pragmatic. There is breathtaking freedom in being real, honest and practical as we work our way through life.

For now, I abide.

If you appreciate my work, and want to buy me a cup of coffee, or a drink to toast the day I get this Death Star removed from my head, I’ll be forever thankful! Just click the yellow guy below.