Why are we so scared to choose?
Which road do you want to run this time?
We are tightrope walkers on a world that somehow stays in balance. Sometimes I can’t believe it. The laws that govern everything are clear, but despite this, I struggle to absorb the concept that we are just complex sand floating in the universe. We are sand, souls and DNA, in a traveling world. The key to understanding the cosmos is easy to understand, they say. I’ve read many theories about the universe, but, to me, it still remains a fascinating mystery, so absurd, that I sometimes think it’s all a dream. A wonderful dream that I don’t want to wake up from. Five more minutes please.
I postpone the choices for another minute; I wish I could decide, yes, but not now. I have an aquarium inside my head that is filling up with rainwater. The choices accumulate until they overflow, drop by drop, thought after thought. Everything moves quickly and at the door of choices, I keep observing this rhythm that approaches me, handing me responsibilities in notes. One note, two notes… now choose! We all seek ways not to choose.
We want to observe the choices as they choose themselves. I asked the moon for one more night, but it wasn’t enough. The immensity of this sky covers the stars of one evening ago. It demands its space. The rhythm of nature is punctual like every morning, but it is no help to those who are poised between two choices. The choices feel right, who can define it? The Heart takes you one way and the mind another. Which road do you want to run this time?
They say we should close our eyes for a moment, calm our thoughts and view the situation from both perspectives. I did and I still find myself begging for time, I find myself conversing with the time and asking if it’s going to heal me, should I wonder what’s on the other side. I find myself silencing every voice, catching every single signal the universe is trying to send me. Every breath of signal is essential for those choices capable of changing you inside.
What choice will lead you to be a better person?
You’ve run away from many choices, but this time you’re cornered. “Why are we so scared of choosing?”
Perhaps because we know exactly that we are not destined to go back. Time slips forward and it would be impossible to reverse the direction of the hands. The sand always falls down, even if you knock over the hourglass. Some decisions stick with you for eternity, as long as your mind is able to fish thoughts and analyze them, without allowing you to participate in the conversation. In the end, if you think about it, it’s not the choice itself that scares us, but wondering how things would have been if we had chosen differently.
“What would my life have been like if I had made a different decision at the time?”
“Nobody can guarantee us certain scenarios.”
Questions dial numbers on the phone. They would like to call answers from the other side of the world, but only other questions answer. An impromptu call in one’s mind. Have you ever gotten to the point where you see two mirrors with your question in the center? I do. Standing in the center of a mirror, in the company of a question, is like walking endlessly with a dilemma. Only questions in reflection, mirrors in repetition. Unsolvable dilemmas.
“Do you answer, or do we break this endless cycle?”
I’m starting to understand that some choices affect you for life. Certain choices will change the degree of your reality and it will no longer be possible to go back to what it was. Everything will taste different, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. From certain choices you cannot simply withdraw. It doesn’t matter if you make the right choice or not, you have to understand that certain bridges will unite the past with your present, for eternity. How long will it last?
Sometimes just the tempo of a song, 2:54 minutes. In certain moments, we can find the answers in a song that doesn’t talk about anything else, except making a decision and doing it right away. We can’t delegate our fate, right? Charlie Cunningham is a friend I’ve never seen. He sings well and we met through Spotify a couple of days ago. This morning, at the airport, he reminded me, and he suggested everything true that i have heard in these nights:
“You did it yourself
To feel the things you never felt,
You need to keep that part of you safe I’d say…
…It’s a choice, at least you’ve got yourself a voice That’s more than I can say»
All he can tell me is to make a decision, that’s all. I’d like to rewrite the song, adding that the choices are personal. Choices never belong to others, you know that right? “Listen Charlie, could you add this part in your song? I really feel that something is missing in that text. You tell me we should choose, but at the same time we will never have the answers to everything, all at once. I totally agree with you, but I just want you to add this part to your song:”
«…Listen to your mind and the heart.
Listen to others but decide for yourself dear.
No one else will marry that choice.
You should be aware of it.
Are you aware of this? »
We can at least delude ourselves that we had a choice, right? I have two, so my situation is even more complicated. If God hadn’t chosen, what would we be? Maybe God never chose and we are just holograms of its thoughts. Even when we don’t choose, someone chooses for us. It is not true that certain choices remain pending. Nothing remains to float in the void. Time is a shadow that wants to make sure that everything can proceed.
How’s it going for you?
Everyone proceeds.
On the carousel of the world everything is projected forward.
I proceed
You proceed
He proceeds
We proceed
You proceed
They proceed
The present of the present is the same present of the future, with a decision made and time to keep it company. Sometimes choice is a bridge that connects two realities, two worlds. I want to travel in the choice of this present and project myself into the future with her.
I want a time together,
a new time.
The future is present,
a present future.
This text is part of a collection written four years ago and published in a book in Italian. In recent months I have translated it into English and it can be found here: Everything will be fine I promise