Why Are We So Damn Hard On Ourselves?

Unrealistic expectations are destroying our self-esteem.

What do you expect from yourself? What are the standards you set for yourself, and are they realistic?

When you don’t reach your ambitions, how do you speak to yourself? Are your words kind and caring?

We often demand a great deal from ourselves. We usually set extremely high and unachievable standards. When we fall short, we criticize ourselves, believing we aren’t good enough. This can harm our self-esteem and affect how we perceive ourselves.

At the end of this post, you’ll find some practices that can help you be kinder, more compassionate, and more loving towards yourself. These practices are also beneficial for boosting self-esteem.

Internal and External Pressure of Unrealistic Expectations

When I was young, people said I was talented and smart. I thought I was special and could achieve great things. But as I grew up, I realized everyone is talented and intelligent.

Still, I’ve often felt like I was falling short in life. For a long time, I believed I wasn’t reaching my full potential.

It turns out I’m not the only one. A 20-year-old student recently shared his disappointment, feeling like he hasn’t reached where he should be in life. He’s also constantly feeling that he should have accomplished more.

Why do we place such heavy burdens on ourselves?

The weight of unrealistically high expectations can be crushing, especially when fueled by the comparison to others. We often internalize the idea that success has a specific timeline, and if we deviate from it, we’re somehow falling short.

Reflecting on my own journey, I’ve come to understand that life doesn’t adhere to a predetermined script. As I navigated adulthood, I encountered challenges and detours that reshaped my perspective. It became evident that the path to success is rarely linear.

In a world where we’re bombarded with achievements on social media and success stories, it’s easy to feel inadequate. The truth is, each person’s journey is unique, with its own set of triumphs and tribulations.

Perhaps it’s time for us to redefine success not as a destination but as a continuous, evolving process. Embracing the twists and turns, celebrating small victories, and showing ourselves compassion when we falter can lead to a healthier self-perception. Let’s challenge the notion of predefined timelines and embrace the beauty of individual growth.

High Standards Can Motivate but Also Harm Self-Esteem.

Setting high standards can be a double-edged sword when it comes to self-esteem.

On one hand, it can motivate us to strive for excellence and achieve our goals. However, when these expectations become unattainable or unrealistic, they can harm our self-esteem.

It’s a common human tendency to hold ourselves to high standards, often ones that are hard to meet. These expectations can be like unreachable peaks, leaving us feeling inadequate when we can’t reach them. The way we talk to ourselves in these moments matters greatly.

If our internal dialogue is harsh and unforgiving, it can erode our self-esteem.

It’s crucial to be mindful of the language we use internally and to cultivate self-compassion. Instead of being overly critical, let’s strive to be kind and understanding with ourselves.

Recognizing that we are works in progress and that setbacks are part of the journey can help in building a healthier relationship with our own expectations and, in turn, with our self-esteem.

The pressure to meet lofty and unrealistic expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and even anxiety or depression. We may find ourselves constantly comparing ourselves to others who appear to effortlessly meet these standards, further exacerbating negative emotions.

Talk to Yourself With Kindness.

When faced with the disappointment of not achieving our ambitions, it is crucial to consider how we talk to ourselves. The words we choose in these moments can greatly impact our emotional well-being and self-esteem.

It is important to approach ourselves with gentleness and care, offering understanding and compassion.

Instead of berating ourselves for falling short, we should acknowledge our efforts and recognize that setbacks are a natural part of the journey towards success.

By choosing kind and supportive words, we can foster a positive mindset that encourages resilience and growth. Self-compassion allows us to learn from our failures, adjust our strategies, and continue moving forward towards our goals.

It is important to remember that the way we talk to ourselves during times of disappointment can either hinder or empower us. Choose your words wisely and cultivate a nurturing inner dialogue that promotes self-belief and motivation.

Practices for Self-Compassion.

If you’re struggling with unrealistic expectations and self-judgment, try these two practices that can boost your self-compassion. They are also helpful for improving self-esteem.

1. H’opononpono Meditation:

Ho’oponopono is a simple, yet powerful meditation practice that can help us heal our relationships with ourselves. It enables us to direct love, kindness and compassion towards ourselves when we most need it.

Practising Ho’oponopono:

This is a meditation, and, like all meditations, you need to prepare yourself to practice it. Once you’ve set aside time in a quiet place, sit comfortably and relax. Inhale deeply through your nose, then exhale slowly, making long and complete breaths through your mouth.

Then repeat these words to yourself:

• I’m sorry.
• Please forgive me.
• Thank you.
• I love you.

2. Metta/ Loving-Kindness Meditation:

Metta or loving-kindness meditation is a practice where we focus on sending benevolent wishes out into the world, and we imagine that everyone is touched by our goodwill.

Practising Metta:

Sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths through the nose, and slow, long and complete exhalations through the mouth.

Start by bringing someone you love to mind and then directing the following words to them:

• “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. And may all of your dreams come true.”

Then bring to mind a person you know who is struggling and repeat the same words:

• “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. And may all of your dreams come true.”

Now Directing these words towards yourself:

• “May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. And may all of my dreams come true”

3. Bonus

The above practices work even better when done together with the somatic experience hug.

The somatic experience hug is a self-soothing technique developed by Peter Levine, the creator of Somatic Experiencing (SE). SE is a body-oriented therapy that helps people heal from trauma and stress by releasing trapped emotions and tension from the body.

The somatic experience hug is a way to use physical touch to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the “rest and digest” response. This can help to calm the body and mind and reduce feelings of anxiety, stress, and overwhelm.

To do a somatic experience hug, simply cross your arms over your chest and give yourself a hug. Place your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. Apply gentle pressure and hold the hug for as long as you need.

As you hug yourself, pay attention to your body sensations. Notice any areas of tension or tightness. Breathe deeply and allow yourself to relax into the hug.

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, you can release the hug at any time. There is no right or wrong way to do a somatic experience hug. The important thing is to find what feels good for you.

****Disclaimer: I am not a licenced Somatic Experiencing (SE) practitioner. I found the above exercise on the internet and have found it beneficial to my well-being. Please check out the work of Dr Peter Levine here****