Why Are We Obsessed With Being Right?

This idea of “rightness” is holding us back

As a mixed-race, black and white, female I meet many people who do not share my experiences or perspective. I often encounter behaviors and conversations that are downright offensive to me, my family, or my community. Especially in light of the current battle for equality and fair treatment, I would love nothing more than to help people break down some of their deeply ingrained stereotypes and to treat others with the respect they deserve. I am a vigilante for equality and tolerance.

But I have a problem.

I always need to be right.

I enter a simple conversation, and it turns into a bloodbath that I do not give up on until the other person is so tired they simply back down. At that moment, I feel right. But was this conversation effective? Did I influence their perspective? Did I learn anything?

Probably not. The reality is that so many people (including me) are obsessed with just being right. Serious topics like religion, politics, and ethics quickly become heated. We are so focused on being right that we lose sight of the truth.

So, why are we so utterly obsessed with being right instead of figuring out the best ideas and really building a better society? Even more importantly, how can we shift our approach from debates to a growth mindset?

Why Do We Need to Be Right?

One of the biggest reasons why we need to be right is because we actually think we are right. A lot of us talk to, follow, read, and watch like-minded people. Only consuming content aligned with your beliefs puts you in an “echo chamber,” which only polarizes our beliefs and causes us to view those who disagree as stupid or malicious.

Modern politics sets the precedence that only one side can be “right” and that side must focus on discrediting the other side. Candidates do not focus on resolving issues and how they can help, they focus on putting down the opponent. Many of us mirror this strategy when approaching a conversation. We enter the conversation with the sole purpose of demonstrating our own “rightness.” This makes us feel intellectually superior and helps preserve our world views.

Simply put, it’s comfortable to be right, it is challenging to closely evaluate our own perspective and truly listen to someone else’s.

Growth-Minded Conversation

To stop focusing on just being right and to have effective conversations about controversial topics, we have to approach things differently. Here’s how:

• LISTEN. A major issue is that we formulate a response as someone is speaking, only thinking of a rebuttal and way to shut them down. Listen to their words, even if you do not agree with them. Listen carefully, ask questions, try to understand their point of view before churning out a response.
• Diversify. If you only talk to people who wholeheartedly agree with you, then you are doing yourself a disservice. Talk to the person whose Facebook posts make you cringe and learn about their perspective. Read news from multiple sources. Get your information from more than one place.
• Evaluate your own biases. It’s really easy to point out flawed thinking in someone else, but how closely have you evaluated your own opinions? Take a critical look at what you think and why you think that way.
• Be compassionate and empathetic. Every person is human, no matter how much you may disagree with them. The need to be right puts on a guard, it makes the other your adversary. But they are a person, just like you.

What I Learned From the Black Man Who Befriended KKK Members

I’ve read those tips about having more open and productive conversations before. Every time I’m confronted with racism or discrimination right to my face, they all go out the window. Until recently.

I’m unable to find the original source, but as a now social-media famous anonymous said, “the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility.” There’s no way you can ever change someone’s thinking if they are hateful, close-minded, and view you as genetically inferior, right?

Daryl Davis proved otherwise. When I first heard this story, I thought there was NO WAY this worked, and NO WAY I would ever do it.

Daryl Davis is a black man who eventually befriended members of the KKK. He attended their meetings and had endless conversations with the sole purpose of understanding. He never tried to convince them of anything, he just listened. He wanted to understand how someone could hate him so much who has never met him. But by just learning about them, Davis earned their respect. After years of talking instead of fighting, Davis’ friend left the Klan.

A black man voluntarily interacting with KKK members sounds unbelievable, crazy, and even dangerous. Believe it. You can watch the full TED Talk HERE.

Davis is an extreme example of opening your mind to other perspectives. He did not argue back with hate or anger when they were telling him he had a smaller brain and was simply inferior. He listened, he provided examples using the same logic in a calm manner. Most of us do not have that level of patience and openness yet, and we do not have to accept intolerance. But what we can learn from Davis is that conversations do not always need a winner and a loser. It takes a conscious, consistent effort to create a better world. Was Davis responsible for breaking down their unfair biases? No. But he did.

Originally published at https://contentcucumber.com on July 1, 2020.