Why Are Boundaries So Difficult?

Finding space to be our best selves

One of my exes called me today and asked me to help him figure out how to handle a problem with one of the women working as a caretaker for his mother.

She's a thief!

“She’s a thief!” he said when he got me on the phone. Then he went on to explain that she wasn’t exactly a thief. The problem is that she has been using personal care items that he gave her access to in the past — things like q-tips and flossing picks. Now the items were disappearing to the point that when he went into his medicine cabin to floss, he discovered there were none of the picks available.

He had a plan, and he wanted my opinion on it. It was a complicated plan involving setting a trap so he could be sure she was taking the items.

We already know she’s using the items. It’s not his 103-year-old mother.

Setting boundaries

I told him he needs to set a boundary and tell her not to use things without asking. He said he didn’t mind her doing it and thought of giving her access to her own supply of the items; he just didn’t like running out of them.

Perfect! I explained this would make it far easier to set the boundary. Give her supplies of her own, and set a boundary not to use his without asking.

He understood immediately and thanked me for the advice. It made sense to him and was straightforward. However, he didn’t ask what I see as the obvious question:

Why didn’t he think of it in the first place?

What do we mean by boundaries?

People often seem to have a difficult time understanding the concept of boundaries. Right now, claiming our boundaries is trendy, yet just like my friend in the story above, many people struggle with the idea.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” When referring to personal relationships, boundaries define the limit where I end and you, or the rest of the world, begins. Setting boundaries means identifying who you are and what is and is not acceptable behavior towards you. According to this article, published by the Gottman Institute, “Setting boundaries is an important aspect of establishing who you are as a person and how others are allowed to treat you.”

My friend didn’t have a thief on his hands; he had someone unclear about boundaries. By giving her a supply of her own, he eliminated one of the problems people often have with boundaries — they feel harsh.

It’s not always that simple.

Setting boundaries often feels hard.

Numerous articles on the internet tell us how to set healthy boundaries, but not as many help us understand why it’s so difficult to do so. Among writings I’ve read recently, I particularly enjoyed this one by Marissa Pomerance. The author tells us that boundaries “… are the new “shoulds” of how to create better relationships with the people we love.” She examines why it is so difficult, including that they often feel harsh, and reminds us we don’t have to use language from the internet to provide the script for setting boundaries.

Pomerance also describes how they can sometimes go too far if people use them to “disengage from conversations or honest communication” or use them as a

therapist-approved method for never doing anything we don’t want to do again because now we can “say no” and that we “don’t have the bandwidth,” allowing us to close ourselves off to our relationships, our lives, and our responsibilities.

The point of setting healthy boundaries isn’t about pushing people out of our lives; it’s about improving the relationships we have with people we love, about making space for those people and things we want in our lives.

Setting healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries means that we create space where we can come together with the people in our lives in a place of joy. By doing the work to understand our limits, we can claim our space and then make room in our lives for others in healthy ways. The same concept applies to whether we are talking about how much space we have in our closet or the space we want for relationships with friends and family.

Boundaries can and do change. What may be a need for more time and space at the beginning of a new job or school year may become of less importance as the year progresses, leading to a change in where those limits are. We might have only an hour or less a week to spend socializing with friends during a particularly time-intensive project, but then be open to spending the day at the beach or having tea and talking about your hobbies all afternoon.

By having a clear sense of purpose when setting boundaries and then keeping the purpose of those boundaries in mind, we can openly communicate our limits and be prepared to adapt to changing conditions when our lives or our needs change. Boundaries can, and should, make our lives better, improve our relationships and provide us with space to grow.